Foster Care with intent to Adopt

[thestrangebrew1]

Long story short, wife's cousin who's in & out of jail for drug charges among other things had a baby with his gf about 2 wks ago. After the baby was born, apparently hopsital officials wanted to talk to them and they ended up bolting and haven't been heard from since, effectively giving up parental rights.

While my wife and I are perfectly capable of producing our own children (we have a 2.5 r old now) & plan having another child in the near future, no one else can take this baby in. We don't have any clue what the baby's med. cond. is in, the social worker won't tell us anything unless we are the foster parents & the baby is already in foster care with another random household. I'm not too concerned about the process. I work for a social services agency in CA so whatever steps we need to take I can learn at work to make this happen.

I guess my question is this though: My mind and my heart tell me this is the right thing to do. This child has many siblings already in the system, and based on what I've seen first hand at work, this baby has slim to no chance of becoming successful in RL. But my gut is telling me not to. The dynamics of it all just seems to be a little awkward. My wife's aunt will no longer be the grandmother, which she's ok with, but who's to say later down the road anyone in the baby's immediate blood family wants the baby back? My wife is all for it and seems to think that the family dynamic situation is not a concern of hers. Just looking for some input on this.

 

[ichy]

Might want to talk to a lawyer re: the shithead cousin trying to get the kid back. That would be a big worry of mine, along with possible fetal alcohol issues or drug exposure.

 

[kranky]

My understanding is even if you become the adoptive parents, if the bio-parents want to be in the picture some day you couldn't necessarily prevent it.

I would ask the social worker or agency staff to put you in touch with adoptive parents who adopted from close family so you can get first-hand stories. I imagine it is a very different dynamic than the typical adoption.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

My understanding is even if you become the adoptive parents, if the bio-parents want to be in the picture some day you couldn't necessarily prevent it.

I would ask the social worker or agency staff to put you in touch with adoptive parents who adopted from close family so you can get first-hand stories. I imagine it is a very different dynamic than the typical adoption.

This is the main concern. It would be devastating to raise a child as your own for so long then all of a sudden because the idiotic parents have a change of heart or has been clean, they can all of a sudden have contact or worse yet be given rights to the child again.

On another level, it'd also be an uncomfortable situation that if this cousin ever were to show up to some family event, I'm not sure how I would handle myself. It has been discussed that this cousin would not know we have adopted his child, but how can I realistically expect this cousin's siblings or mother not say where this child is or who has taken in this child?

 

[kranky]

It's impractical to think everyone who knows will keep it a secret. Not going to happen, you can be sure of that.

 

[nanette1985]

If you're not sure, don't do it. This isn't a decision that should be made casually. Poor baby.

Don't know where you are, but in NJ you can't adopt without the permission & approval of both parents. And they can also change their mind later. I'm sure this is different in other states.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

It's impractical to think everyone who knows will keep it a secret. Not going to happen, you can be sure of that.

My mindset as well.

Don't know where you are, but in NJ you can't adopt without the permission & approval of both parents. And they can also change their mind later. I'm sure this is different in other states.

I'm in CA. I think in this case it might be different as there is no permission to be given because the parents abondoned the baby at the hospital. I'm not 100% and it's def. a question I'll be asking the social worker when we're contacted.

 

[EagleKeeper]

Ping waggy - he has some experience in this

 

[thestrangebrew1]

Ping waggy - he has some experience in this

How do I Ping someone?

 

[Juddog]

How do I Ping someone?

Start --> Run --> CMD, click ok. In the black box, type in "ping [domain]" (without the quotes) and hit enter.

 

[Harrod]

My brother and his wife were involved in the foster care program and ended up adopting 3 of their kids through the program. They had to get parental rights terminated on the kids before they were able to adopt them.

 

[waggy]

How do I Ping someone?

no need to ping me. btw he means send a message he is just old and uses old terms.

Me and my wife have custody of her sister. so yeah i been through it.

a) get a lawyer and let him handle it. it will cost though.

B) you CAN'T keep this a secrete. IF the mom wants to come back in the picture in 10 years well..that is something to face then. but the 10 years will be a positive time for the child.

it's not a easy fight. but if you feel its worth it go for it.

the lawyer will know what to do. if the mother is as fucked up as you say and bailed on the baby once it shouldn't be hard (not to mention you say it has siblings in foster care already) to get custody.


edit: though if the child goes into Foster care they usually call family first. Then if you say you want the child they will fight for you if they think its in the best interest of the child.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

no need to ping me. btw he means send a message he is just old and uses old terms.

Me and my wife have custody of her sister. so yeah i been through it.

a) get a lawyer and let him handle it. it will cost though.

B) you CAN'T keep this a secrete. IF the mom wants to come back in the picture in 10 years well..that is something to face then. but the 10 years will be a positive time for the child.

it's not a easy fight. but if you feel its worth it go for it.

the lawyer will know what to do. if the mother is as fucked up as you say and bailed on the baby once it shouldn't be hard (not to mention you say it has siblings in foster care already) to get custody.


edit: though if the child goes into Foster care they usually call family first. Then if you say you want the child they will fight for you if they think its in the best interest of the child.

Did you adopt her when she was an infant? How is the family dynamic as far as relatives? I'm assuming they all know she's been adopted so is/was it awkward etc? It's a little different situation that yours but I imagine the thoughts and concerns I have still apply adopting someone from within the family vs an outside adoption of a stranger's child.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

Just for further info, I'm expecting to talk with the baby's SW sometime this week to get a ton of questions answered. I'm just looking for opinions and experiences.

 

[waggy]

Did you adopt her when she was an infant? How is the family dynamic as far as relatives? I'm assuming they all know she's been adopted so is/was it awkward etc? It's a little different situation that yours but I imagine the thoughts and concerns I have still apply adopting someone from within the family vs an outside adoption of a stranger's child.

we have had her her since she was like 6. we pretty much raised her and paid for everything. finally at 14 her mother went nuts and we figured it was time to get her out of there.

It took a while for my wife and her mother to speak. but they are fine now (her sister is 20 and in college now). Everyone knows she is adopted and its not that weird. worst part is when she takes my other 2 kids (5 and 10) people assume they are hers hehe.

Its rough. It is going to change teh family situation. but it sure sounds like its for the best.

hell the parents might even be up for signing away the rights. it don't sound like they really want the kids.

 

[blackdogdeek]

op, i commend you for considering taking this on.

that being said, it sounds like you're weighing the immediate benefit to the child against the POTENTIAL issues in the future. yes, it would most definitely be catastrophic to have the child taken away at some point in the future after raising him/her yourselves, but if you're really interested in the child's well-being, isn't that better for the child than the alternative?

 

[thestrangebrew1]

op, i commend you for considering taking this on.

that being said, it sounds like you're weighing the immediate benefit to the child against the POTENTIAL issues in the future. yes, it would most definitely be catastrophic to have the child taken away at some point in the future after raising him/her yourselves, but if you're really interested in the child's well-being, isn't that better for the child than the alternative?

This is a very good point that I hadn't really thought about. Thank you.

 

[MrColin]

How do I Ping someone?

Pretty sure he's referring to Private Message (upper right corner) similar to email.

It could be pretty heartbreaking if they come around with a legal claim on the child (I don't know the law on this) solely for the purpose of increasing their welfare benefits or possibly a natural drive to be the best shitty parent they can be. To my mind it should be possible for them to never know the fate of the child since they abandoned it. You might be able to get the family to keep the adoption hush hush, or let them think it is a different child. If they are serious druggies you could probably buy them off pretty cheap.

I've heard of some pretty messed up crack babies/FAS victims and I don't think I would want to take that on myself.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

I've heard of some pretty messed up crack babies/FAS victims and I don't think I would want to take that on myself.

Yea this is a big worry. Not being to know ahead of some of the problems this child can have both mentally & physically.

 

[monkey333]

Wife and I adopted from Korea, so there's no question of origin, in fact we encourage his now ledge of how our family came together. Who cares for the situation, if they know they love you, then nothing else matters. To add to this, we are going back to Korea very soon and are going to try and get his foster family of 10 months meet him. He's 4 years old now.

 

[Jadow]

good sentiment by you. If it were me, I'd stay away. Would rather spend resources on my own kids.

Also, it's a cousin's kid, not a sibling's kid. If I was the uncle I might feel differently, but for a wife's cousin's kid, I would stay away.

 

[thestrangebrew1]

Well we're definitely going to be asking the SW a bunch of questions before we make any commitments. In the line of work I do, I see these types of situations on a daily basis, dealing with Foster Care kids or parents, homeless families and teens as well as teens dealing with pregnancy. As such, I don't see this baby having a chance going through the system, so if we can take this child in so much the better. I'm not too worried about resources, by no means do we make a lot of money, but there is assitance from the state in terms of daycare and basic needs for the child, and we would manage even without that.

 

[lupi]

Never gone through it, but thinking you'd want to get a lawyer to go through the process if your intention is to permanently adopt either from bad parents or unresponsive parents.

 

[waggy]

Yea this is a big worry. Not being to know ahead of some of the problems this child can have both mentally & physically.

true. but then its even a bigger danger to the kid staying where they are.

 

[todpod]

At our agency in PA, if we have a child in our custody I haven't seen a parent have their own lawyer. This is both kinship (what you would be) and traditional foster care. There is going to be some hoops to jump through but it is do able. It been my experience the child is going to grow up know you are the mom and dad whether its biological or adoptive.

In PA for general reference there are 2 types of parental rights termination both involve the court. Voluntary which the parents basically sign over there rights and the court approves. And involuntary in which a case is presented to the court that the parents haven't fulfilled the duties of a parent. PA if I remember correct has 10 separate grounds for termination any one is enough to terminate.

Bio parent involvement after termination is a very state specific as to what is allowed and enforceable.

I am sure CA laws are somewhat similar but with some major differences. The Social Worker should be able fill in some gaps here. The feds are pushing Kinship placements and are pushing $$ for that to happen, can't believe CA would pass that up.