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Forever Down These Lonely Streams

B

bothered

Banned
Entranced in deep and wanting dreams
my heart is wafting melodies
forever down these lonely streams.

And wading down, and splashing rings
all round my chest and arms, I sleep
entranced in deep and wanting dreams.

Inside my mouth the water gleams
with darker hues of red, escaping
forever down these lonely streams.

My lungs begin to soak in beams
of drenching life ? I?m sinking, further
entranced in deep and wanting dreams.

Exploding ?gainst the rippling reams
of clouds above, my heart is drowning
forever down these lonley streams.

And always sinking downward more,
my heart is singing redder hues
entranced in deep and wanting dreams
forever down these lonely streams.
 
Nice poem. I find this stanza slightly awkward:

Inside my mouth the water gleams
with darker hues of red escaping
forever down these lonely streams

"with darker hues of red escaping" does not flow as nicely as the others. Very good work though. I don't know if you were looking for a critique, but I decided to give my two cents anyway. 🙂 Keep up the writing!
 
Originally posted by: Tinkerhell
Nice poem. I find this stanza slightly awkward:

Inside my mouth the water gleams
with darker hues of red escaping
forever down these lonely streams

"with darker hues of red escaping" does not flow as nicely as the others. Very good work though. I don't know if you were looking for a critique, but I decided to give my two cents anyway. 🙂 Keep up the writing!
Click to expand...
thanks for the feedback Tinkerhell! Does it help if I add a comma in like so --

Inside my mouth the water gleams
with darker hues of red, escaping
forever down these lonely streams.

What do you think?
 
Yes I think that makes more sense, if that's the idea you're trying to communicate. It flows much nicer. By letting "escaping" stand alone you brought the flow back, which was so evident in your other stanzas. Good job!
 
Originally posted by: Tinkerhell
Yes I think that makes more sense, if that's the idea you're trying to communicate. It flows much nicer. By letting "escaping" stand alone you brought the flow back, which was so evident in your other stanzas. Good job!
Click to expand...
thanks
 
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