For those of you with parents

mundania

Senior member
Jun 17, 2000
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Yes, I guess that means everyone, but I'm referring specifically to you with parents who've decided to stake their confidence, pride,and family honor upon the success of their children. I've been tempted to label this as an Asian parent syndrome, but I'm sure this situation is quite universal.

My question is this: why?

Why do they have to do this? My parents are of average intelligence but well-to-do thanks to the business acumen of my grandfather. My academic accomplishments in high school have led them to believe that I'm of above average intelligence, and so they've decided that I will be the one that will do wonderful and great things, or at least someone that they can brag to 'friends' about, and at family/clan gatherings. So due to my performance in high school, I've given them that for four plus years.

Too bad they didn't realize that I had all these self-esteem issues and confidence problems that were obscured by academic success. So when I hit the roughest academic bump (tremendous underexaggeration) in my life as yet, all hell breaks loose. My parents become hush-hush about me. I'm not allowed to answer the phone for fear that their 'friends' will ask about me. They don't go out to social functions. But the worst is that deep, searing, pervasive shame that they have of me.

Yes, they haven't disowned me, but that Chinese parent/children bond is more than permanent if that's possible. Yet I feel unbelievably saddened by the fact that, when all is well and life is good, they stand by me, but when the going gets REALLY tough, they leave me out to dry emotionally.

In the end, I'm still alive, my parents are still alive and they have their health, I'm still relatively young, and I'm positive that I have the ability to change things in the future, but this rut is very difficult to handle.

Yes, this is simply a rant, and yes, I did grow up spoiled, but yes, I'm working on 'despoilation'.

I don't expect anyone to solve this for me, but I would really like to hear about people's similar, or even dissimilar experiences with their parents. In fact, I'd like to hear from you parents out there, and how you dealt with spoiled brats like me who've painfully started to come of age.
 

Grminalac

Golden Member
Aug 25, 2000
1,149
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You have dishonored your family, no other option now than to commit seppuku.

But really, its crazy how many parents treat their kids. From the sports nuts who make a game of little league a living hell for their son to those people who pressure their child into hating school because all they do is study its really sad. Too bad parents don't realize kids are people with feelings. You should do something really bad like tell your parents you are addicted to cocaine. then when you get staright c's in school they'll be happy cause your not sniffing coke.
 

linuxboy

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
2,577
6
76
first of all, we discussed this issue at some length awhile back. Let me see how I can answer your inquiry.

Yes, I guess that means everyone, but I'm referring specifically to you with parents who've decided to stake their confidence, pride,and family honor upon the success of their children. I've been tempted to label this as an Asian parent syndrome, but I'm sure this situation is quite universal.

My question is this: why?


Well, humans are rather complex creatures. You see, there's often no real point to what they do. If you ask them, they will likely not know the answer and about the only utterance I can sometimes evoke is "that's cause that's the way it is". In this case, the point to remember is that there is usually first a biological drive for the preservation of one's offspring. I say that abstractly but you have no idea how it feels to see your child in pain. One wants to die just to see the child stop suffering. It's quite excrutiating. With Asian culture (I know I am generalizing, but I think it to be pretty close), there is a constant comparison due to an emphasis on a collective of a social group. The benefit of such a social group is that it can absorb shocks but the downside is that it can lead to stupid and senseless competition to assume social status and thus wield power (which is not that easy to achieve in a complex network). It tends to come down to a combination of those two things.


Why do they have to do this? My parents are of average intelligence but well-to-do thanks to the business acumen of my grandfather. My academic accomplishments in high school have led them to believe that I'm of above average intelligence, and so they've decided that I will be the one that will do wonderful and great things, or at least someone that they can brag to 'friends' about, and at family/clan gatherings. So due to my performance in high school, I've given them that for four plus years.


Right. The security and self-importance gained by even a temporary elevation in social status is thrilling. Why someone like Hobbes would even claim that this was power itself.

Too bad they didn't realize that I had all these self-esteem issues and confidence problems that were obscured by academic success. So when I hit the roughest academic bump (tremendous underexaggeration) in my life as yet, all hell breaks loose. My parents become hush-hush about me. I'm not allowed to answer the phone for fear that their 'friends' will ask about me. They don't go out to social functions. But the worst is that deep, searing, pervasive shame that they have of me.


Yep. That's about right. With a great potential in a cohesive social network comes a greater malice and potential for misuse. It's unfortunate since so much good can be accomplished in this societal structure.


Yes, they haven't disowned me, but that Chinese parent/children bond is more than permanent if that's possible. Yet I feel unbelievably saddened by the fact that, when all is well and life is good, they stand by me, but when the going gets REALLY tough, they leave me out to dry emotionally.


It's a side effect of their own shortcomings. People often amplify their survival strategies thinking that this is the way it has to be because it works. In effect, they think they are "toughening you up" for "the real world". Happens pretty frequently. The way to fix it is something I suggested to Hoeboy some 4 months ago. Search for my response, it was a rather good thread.

In the end, I'm still alive, my parents are still alive and they have their health, I'm still relatively young, and I'm positive that I have the ability to change things in the future, but this rut is very difficult to handle.


The thing is that your fallback mechanism is to also rely on your social network. Without that, you are left to feel shame and all that stuff. It really serves as a decent motivator if you think about it. People do almost anything to get rid of that shame, much of it taking form as conformity.

Yes, this is simply a rant, and yes, I did grow up spoiled, but yes, I'm working on 'despoilation'.

I don't expect anyone to solve this for me, but I would really like to hear about people's similar, or even dissimilar experiences with their parents. In fact, I'd like to hear from you parents out there, and how you dealt with spoiled brats like me who've painfully started to come of age.


Well I gave it a shot since this isn't that difficult of a problem, I think. The coming to age is a very specialized and often traumatizing process. Hopefully, there are those who support you while you sort out your emotions and worldviews and perhaps recognize you you were are and should be. The thing to remember as you experience all of it is that the process is very awesome and powerful and that you should enjoy the forces at work. Of course, easier said than done, eh. That reality sure gets in the way sometimes.

well cheers ! post if you'd like clarification.

Cheers ! :)
 

linuxboy

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
2,577
6
76
You should do something really bad like tell your parents you are addicted to cocaine. then when you get staright c's in school they'll be happy cause your not sniffing coke.

No, that is not a solution. It exacerbates underlying trust and security issues. It sounds like something a young person would tell another young person as they converse and attempt to improve their lives. It may sound really great but this won't work well in the end. At least I think so.

Cheers ! :)
 

db

Lifer
Dec 6, 1999
10,575
292
126
If this is not something one can resolve with their parents, then counciling is the only alternative.
And that doesn't mean the parents will change, but at least YOU have tried and can then cast off the "obligation".

And BTW, this is not just an Asian thing!
 

freebee

Diamond Member
Dec 30, 2000
4,043
0
0
Its much worse when you have siblings who are better than you. MUCH, MUCH worse. All those things get magnified and you are compared to them in every way.
 

Dragnov

Diamond Member
Apr 24, 2001
6,878
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<< Its much worse when you have siblings who are better than you. MUCH, MUCH worse. All those things get magnified and you are compared to them in every way. >>



Yup. Brother = Saludatorian of High School. Me = Just Honor Roll.

And for some unfair reason he finally gets a job as a Junior in College now, and I as a sophomore in college I'm pressured to get one already. I'm like WTF? You didn't bother him last year... So basically I have to match him or do better although I'm a almost 2 years younger. Ah well, I'm partially "disowned" But once my grades get higher, I get job, etc etc. I'll be owned again. :p
 

bigalt

Golden Member
Oct 12, 2000
1,525
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I would most certainly call it Asian parent syndrome. I grew up with lots of Chinese friends/girlfriends and every one of the exhibited the same thing.

I have one friend who had it especially bad. His parents wanted him to be an incredible violin player (original, huh?). He wasn't naturally gifted, and he hated it-> he didn't get any good-> his parents make him try harder (beating, etc.)-> he resents violin, hates it more-> etc. etc. After being disowned for several things, like smoking and having girlfriends, his parents and him have come to terms. Unfortunately they're still sort of embarassed about him amongst the chinese crowd, but even that's a blessing-- he doesn't have to attend those big China parties (as we call them) where all the families get together and brag about the kids' accomplishments and how stupid white people are.

I on the other hand have had a very dissimilar experience. But this post is long enough as it is. There are many paths through life, and by reading your post I'd say you're doing pretty well all round, you're in touch with your feelings and you know how to express yourself. I don't know if that's something that's necessarily of help within the family (have you considered/tried talking to them about it?), but once you get through this rut I suspect you'll do okay.

I wish you the best!
 

CSoup

Senior member
Jan 9, 2002
565
0
0
you've got to live with your parents. be glad that they are not already planning to kick you out. got few days left here. anyways, they will eventually accept you again. They will start missing you. At least that is what I hope will happen. Seen same results from other people once they started failing to be good enough for the parents to brag about.