................... Fianlly, I am an adult......

[thatsright]

At the crossroads in life, and could use some advice. All of the advice so far given is biased w/ those of their own agenda that I have talked to in the family.

Let?s break it down easy. This is about my mom. We were living together. She is 59, I 30. In the last year she has:

-quit job
-got into severe auto accident
-after accident, diagnosed with chronic pulmonary distress (think shot lungs, requiring her to use oxygen tank)
-she smokes
-severe depression/anxiety
-AND a month ago she was smoking, fell asleep and burned the house. Everyone had to vacate in the other apartments and it is uninhabitable for months.

Sooo.......now she is in a nursing home nearby because after fire I/we had no home to return to.. She is the most 'with it' person there. Sharp mentaly and physically doing 'ok.' But she is mentally deteriorating there. No public housing will take her in because of the fire. So while she does not belong at the nursing home, she has no 'good' options. I was thinking about taking her in.

BUT, there are lots of reasons why it would be a bad idea. She is still smoking, and worried she would burn me out again. My job paid for my new place (apt.) and they would most certainly not do the same again. There has been so much drama in the last year, all relating to my mom and the events surrounding her. I have taken much time off work, which I have only been at 8 months, to help mom out.

I love my mom. My sister is willing to take her in Georgia, but that has many problems as well. The only options for her to go to are me or my sister, nothing else.

What would you do, would you give her a second chance and take her in? I would like to, but I don't want to live her life for her. I have my own life, and this would kill any romantic interests I might have.

Am I just being a selfish bastard? What would you do?

 

[SonnyDaze]

Always remember.....she brought you into this world, whether she wanted to or not.

 

[her209]

Putting your parents in a nursing home is the fastest way to sending them to the grave.

 

[waggy]

Originally posted by: her209
Putting your parents in a nursing home is the fastest way to sending them to the grave.

yeah. but sadly sometimes it is what needs to be done.

 

[SmoochyTX]

I had to make a decision similar to this 5-6 years ago - I was 28-29 years old at the time. My father was/is an alcoholic and my stepmom kicked him out and he wanted to come live with me. I had to tell him no. It was one of the hardest decisions that I've ever had to make in my life but it was the right one.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[bignateyk]

hmm... maybe if you could get her to quit smoking.. otherwise i wouldnt do it. Tell her its either cigarettes or your hospitality. She might be pissed at first, but I think she would realize quitting would be the right thing to do in the long run.

 

[chrisms]

That is your family. Not just family but your mother. She's obviously had a bad year, and as her son it is your responsibility to be there for her.

I know all families are different but you didn't mention any past abuse or arguements so I'll just assume you have a fairly normal relationship with her.

 

[thatsright]

Originally posted by: chrisms
That is your family. Not just family but your mother. She's obviously had a bad year, and as her son it is your responsibility to be there for her.

I know all families are different but you didn't mention any past abuse or arguements so I'll just assume you have a fairly normal relationship with her.

We have a great relationship. I am just worried safety wise, she is still smoking and this could happen all over again. She is absolutely 100% addicted to cigs...while its possible she could quit for good, I just don't trust her. She is smoking even now in the nursing home!

 

[RapidSnail]

Possibly learn how to spell "finally"?

 

[Bryophyte]

It's your sister's turn to take care of her. How long did she live with you?

 

[bignateyk]

i've never understood why people keep smoking even after getting diagnosed with lung problems, and given oxygen tanks.

My aunt has smoked her whole life, and can barely breathe, has emphysema (sp?), and uses an oxygen tank. Yet she keeps smoking.

Tell her about the safety issue with cigs, and bring up the fact that she is killing herself even more now that she has a lung condition. Tell her she has to choose between cigs and your hospitality.

 

[thatsright]

Originally posted by: Bryophyte
It's your sister's turn to take care of her. How long did she live with you?

Well, I moved back in after college, and never quite moved out. Though I paid all the bills, not sure if this matters.........?

 

[chrisms]

Originally posted by: thatsright

Originally posted by: chrisms
That is your family. Not just family but your mother. She's obviously had a bad year, and as her son it is your responsibility to be there for her.

I know all families are different but you didn't mention any past abuse or arguements so I'll just assume you have a fairly normal relationship with her.

We have a great relationship. I am just worried safety wise, she is still smoking and this could happen all over again. She is absolutely 100% addicted to cigs...while its possible she could quit for good, I just don't trust her. She is smoking even now in the nursing home!

Is she mobile enough to go outside to smoke? If you have or porch or just make her go to the parking lot if that is possible.

 

[funboy6942]

Since you saying your an adult go to you mom and lay the law down. Tell her the options she has and whats to come. If she wants to klive with you, FINE, she will have to quit smoking and put smoke detectors out of her reach all over the house. Treat her like a child since she has been diag'd with a breathing condition and refuses to quit the sticks. Tell her that or she lives with your sister, sounds to me she needs a good wake up call in whats going on with her life and you need to confront her about where she is going with it if it keeps going the way it is.

Sounds like though the main problem is the smoking and fear of buring the house down, she has done it already, she shouldnt have a problem and understand your concern if you take her in that you dont want it to happen again. If not sorry to say let her move in with your sister and hopefully she will wake up and see the errors of her ways and come around.

 

[SarcasticDwarf]

Originally posted by: thatsright

Originally posted by: chrisms
That is your family. Not just family but your mother. She's obviously had a bad year, and as her son it is your responsibility to be there for her.

I know all families are different but you didn't mention any past abuse or arguements so I'll just assume you have a fairly normal relationship with her.

We have a great relationship. I am just worried safety wise, she is still smoking and this could happen all over again. She is absolutely 100% addicted to cigs...while its possible she could quit for good, I just don't trust her. She is smoking even now in the nursing home!

Personally, I would not take her in. Clearly, she has no control over her own actions and lacks responsibility-therefore she SHOULD be getting 24/7 care. While she IS your mother, she also has to live with her own decisions.

 

[thatsright]

Anyone else?

 

[I Saw OJ]

Shes still smoking even after having to be on an oxygen tank? Tell her she can live with you as long as she quits smoking. Doesnt seem too tall of a task.

 

[us3rnotfound]

I am thankful for parents that won't need to attend a nursing home, but I feel your pain.

 

[Nutdotnet]

I'd tell her to get her ****** together and figure her own damn self out.

She's 50...that's not old and is no excuse to need to be "looked for". She can handle her self.

 

[Shawn]

i would learn to spell

 

[BigJ]

Originally posted by: Shawn
i would learn to spell

Nice. Guy has an actual crucial life decision to make, and you're telling him he should learn how to spell. Maybe you should learn some tact?

 

[0]

stop posting here.

 

[DainBramaged]

Personally, I'd let her move in with me, limit the smoking to outside *only* (which is what I enforce for myself), and suck it up for a while regarding the relationship thing. If you really find the right one, she'd understand and probably even appreciate what you are doing.

 

[huberm]

in all honesty she may be getting the best care possible where she is now (in nursing home). If she has severe anxiety and depression she needs to be surrounded by professional caregivers to help her.

 

[AlienCraft]

Originally posted by: bignateyk
hmm... maybe if you could get her to quit smoking.. otherwise i wouldnt do it. Tell her its either cigarettes or your hospitality. She might be pissed at first, but I think she would realize quitting would be the right thing to do in the long run.

I concur.

Cig's will kill.