Some friends and I were at a party year ago drinking and needed to go on a beer run. I used the bathroom before we left and noticed some ex-lax gum on the counter. I took a packet from the box and shoved it in my pocket.
Four of us piled into the car and halfway to the store, a friend wants to know if anyone has any gum (to cover up the beer breath, yay that always works
) I almost say no when I remember the ex-lax in my pocket. I take it out and break one out the foil wrapper and hand it to him.
A couple of minutes later he wants another piece. I ask him what he did with the piece I gave him. He says it lost its flavor so he swallowed it. Not thinking much of it I hand him another piece. This goes on about six times until all the ex-lax is gone.
We stayed up till morning drinking and decided to go fishing. So the four of us walk out to the lake and jump into a rowboat. We get out the middle of the lake and all of sudden the guy that ate all the ex-lax starts squirming around holding his stomach. He starts moaning about taking him back to shore. We ask why and he says he has to take a crap. We tell him to squeeze his but cheeks together and hold it in.
In a few minutes the moans turn into pleading. He is slouched forward and rotating his ass in a circle. He is screaming at this point to take him back to shore before he craps his pants. We soon notice that his yelling is attracting unwanted attention by the number of lights coming inside of the houses that are on the lake.
By this point he is laying on the bottom of boat with both hands grabbing his ass. We all think he is dying until I remember the "gum" I had given only a short before. I tell him he is okay thru my laughter that the gum he swallowed was in fact ex-lax. Now everyone but him in the boat is laughing so hard that we are longer rowing towards shore. I could tell he found the situation less then humorous by the string of cuss words and dirty names he was calling me.
Somehow he managed to wrestle the boat oar from another guy, picked it up and swatted me along side my head so hard I fell into the lake. This sudden turn of events elicited even more howls from us and more lights from the houses.
With that he dove into the water yelling "Oh my God I'm going sh!t my pants". He got a few feet of shore when we saw him bend forward and fall to his knees. He yelled "Ohhh Nooo? yanked his pants down to his knees and then we heard something that sounded
alot like this
This whole series of events just pissed him and he yells back to us that he is going to call the cops. We thought nothing of it, toss out our fishing lines and open some more beers. A few minutes later the early morning silence and our unsuccessful fishing attempts were broking by the mad wail of sirens. We look off into the distance where all the noise was coming from when one of us remarked about what sort of activity some asshole or assholes would be doing at this time of the morning to bring about this commotion. While watching all the pretty red yellow blue and other assorted petty colored lights getting closer we noticed the lights along with wailing of sirens were heading for the quiet adobe we had left. After some discussion and a few beers later we decided to row back to house to find out who had killed who. Thinking the best route back to the house was to row around the lake to give us a chance to sober up lest we be asked any questions like did we hear any gunshots or see any cars speeding off and be carted off by the police for public drunkenness.
Imagine our drunken stupor surprise when we finally arrived at the house, no more the sober but much more tired as we could not remember exactly how many times we rowed around the lake so we just keep going until one of us screamed to end this madness and just head for shore, to see three ambulances, five cop cars and a fire truck.
Unknown to us our smelly intoxicated but quite slimmer friend had indeed called the police saying he poisoned, dragged out to the middle of the lake and left for dead. He was only able to get free by wrestling one of the boat oars from his assailants and beating them all senseless.
When he was approached by the long of the law, one of our towns finest had wondered out loud what house had the septic tank problem. As he walked closer to our inebriated victim he noticed the stench was actual getting stronger. He asked and I quote "Where in thee hell is that gawd awful smell coming from? Is that you boy? Did you shet your in pants?" our less then daisy fresh friend exclaimed "Yes it was him and he was poisoned with ex-lax" Now while we were running up to the police officer we could not tell if he was laughing at from what he was told or gagging from the stench. But within in a few seconds his sense of smell would be assaulted like Custard at his final stand.
As the three, beer smelling sweat drenched from rowing around the lake God knows how many times, of us came upon the man in blue his eyes grew big as saucers and he put his hand to his mouth to hold back whatever early morning breakfast wanted to launch its escape.
By now the Police Chief of our fair but quite awake in the early morn burg had been summoned by the numerous phone calls from some concerned but mostly annoyed neighbors wanting to know when the circus was leaving town. Not having time for his morning pot of coffee, he was more awake then he had ever been by all the colorful lights blaring sirens and the assorted smells that he would later say literally came from the BOWELS of Hell.
After donning a breathing apparatus from the friendly firemen, the chief with two of his six senses on permanent vacation wanted to know "WHAT IN THEE HELL IS GOING ON AT THIS GAWD AWFUL HOUR IN THE MORNING".
By time we had explained the previous night?s exploits the sun was up revealing a wondrous blue sky with some of the neighbors passing out coffee and donuts. The chief was laughing so hard that he had taking off his artificial air and was snorting like pig. Upon hearing the full story he told us he would not arrest us because neither he nor anyone else had seen the night?s events other then us four clueless drunks. Also he would was afraid that his soul would burn Hell for arresting four complete idiots and no judge would ever believe the previous nights antics.
As punishment we were told to group hug and say we were sorry to all the neighbors, who by now were also doubled over with laughter, and go to bed. As the three of us approached our mountain fresh smelling challenged friend and wrapped our arms around each other to expedite this inhuman punishment our sense of smell and stomachs were overwhelmed by the pungent smell of what seemed to be dead fish in a locked car roasting in the sun. Our stomachs in turn revolted against the smell in mid hug and covered us in yet another unpleasant smelling and looking odor.
Resolved to put an end to this before more joined in on the unpleasant odor and visual fest. The chief quickly made his way over to the firemen who were smart enough to keep their distance. After quick but heated discussion the fireman promptly went over to their fire truck grabbed every hose on the truck and hooked them to every hydrant in sight and proceeded to give us a high powered 1/2 hour shower.
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