Evolutionists flock to Darwin-shaped wall stain

[jonks]

You can't make this stuff up. Well, I can't. They can.

http://www.theonion.com/conten...onists_flock_to_darwin

DAYTON, TN?A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin?author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement?made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.

"I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed "Scopes Monkey Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's holiest sites. "Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."

Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"

Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking?which appears to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large beard?this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley's paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin's works, and otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.

Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors have sprung up across Dayton, selling evolutionary relics and artwork to the thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse of the image. Available for sale are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be fragments of the "One True Beagle"?the research vessel on which Darwin made his legendary voyage to the Galapagos Islands?to lecture notes purportedly touched by English evolutionist Alfred Russel Wallace.

"I have never felt closer to Darwin's ideas," said zoologist Fred Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. "May his name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the halls of naturalistic observation forever."

Despite the enthusiasm the so-called "Darwin Smudge" has generated among the evolutionary faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin. Some believe the image is actually closer to the visage of Stephen Jay Gould, longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and originator of the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is therefore proof of rapid cladogenesis. A smaller minority contend it is the face of Carl Sagan, and should be viewed as a warning to those nonbelievers who have not yet seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

Still others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely, claiming that there are several alternate explanations for the appearance of the unexplained discoloration.

"It's a stain on a wall, and nothing more," said the Rev. Clement McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of evolutionary theory. "Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God smites them all in His vengeance."

But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast in their belief that natural selection?a process by which certain genes are favored over others less conducive to survival?is the one and only creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they have been waiting for.

"To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a branching evolutionary tree of increasing biodiversity amid changing ecosystems, we say, 'Look upon the face of Darwin!'" said Jeanette Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has maintained a candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.

"Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of one species of slime mold adapted to this particular concrete wall, in order to one day form this stain, and thus make manifest this vision of Darwin's glorious countenance," Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.

"It's a miracle," she added.

How can you not love the onion?

 

[Ns1]

lol

 

[effowe]

Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

 

[SSSnail]

So many layers...

 

[jonks]

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

 

[Jeff7181]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

It certainly does.

*EDIT* Someone should spraypaint a landing strip...

 

[Xavier434]

5 star :thumbsup:

 

[Juddog]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

ROFL! That was literally the first thing I thought of too! Then the flowers, laid around the vagina, it all made sense.

 

[ElFenix]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

it could be a cialis commercial

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

The Virgin Mary... what a c*nt.

 

[Jeff7]

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

I feel like laughing and crying at the same time.

Why that sort of thing isn't considered a mental illness is just beyond me.


"OMG, a bunny in the clouds! I must devote my life to veterinary medicine.......oh wait, now it's a helicopter. I'll sign up with the air force!
Hang on, now it looks like a noose. Ok, I'll kill myself! And now the sky is clearing up. That is surely an omen of the nothingness that death brings. Killing myself must be what I'm supposed to do!"

That's considered crazy, but worshiping a random blotch on a wall is sane. Ok then.

 

[Platypus]

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

I pass by this all the time and you're right.. I always see large groups of people near it.

 

[Jeff7181]

Originally posted by: Jeff7

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

I feel like laughing and crying at the same time.

Why that sort of thing isn't considered a mental illness is just beyond me.


"OMG, a bunny in the clouds! I must devote my life to veterinary medicine.......oh wait, now it's a helicopter. I'll sign up with the air force!
Hang on, now it looks like a noose. Ok, I'll kill myself! And now the sky is clearing up. That is surely an omen of the nothingness that death brings. Killing myself must be what I'm supposed to do!"

That's considered crazy, but worshiping a random blotch on a wall is sane. Ok then.

It's not a random blotch, it's a vagina.

 

[Dumac]

Oh my, I thought this was real at first.

 

[Jeff7]

Originally posted by: Jeff7181
It's not a random blotch, it's a vagina.

That's almost a walk-in vagina though. And if a clitoris is more than a mouthful, well, that's just very wrong.

 

[jonks]

Originally posted by: Dumac
Oh my, I thought this was real at first.

Is the fake story about the stain in the OP any more ridiculous than the "real" stain of mary/vagina?

 

[JulesMaximus]

:thumbsup::laugh: Gotta love the Onion.

 

[Dumac]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: Dumac
Oh my, I thought this was real at first.

Is the fake story about the stain in the OP any more ridiculous than the "real" stain of mary/vagina?

Good question.

Part of me wants to say yes, but then I have to ask myself why that is.

I suppose it's due to the fact that I am used to religious people giving up any ties to logic and thought in their acceptance of faith.

While those who believe in evolution used to do so out of careful thought and decision, this is on the decline. More and more people are accepting evolution simply because they were told to, whether by friends, teachers, etc. I don't see how blindly believing in evolution is any better than blindly believing in a god.

 

[Atomic Playboy]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: Dumac
Oh my, I thought this was real at first.

Is the fake story about the stain in the OP any more ridiculous than the "real" stain of mary/vagina?

Of course it is. Darwin's theory of evolution was based around the scientific method. Say what you will about science and religion, at the end of the day the scientific method is based around testable hypotheses and observational data. Presumably, people would test the wall, find that the stain was a result of purely random coincidence owing to a leaky pipe or whatever and move on.

Religion, on the other hand, is based around faith in an unknowable metaphysical force or being. It is completely plausible, within the realm of faith, that this metaphysical force or being could project an image through the basic shape of a stain on a wall. Those who have faith could recognize it as a sign from a higher power (which is not specifically discussed in the theory of evolution).

That said, I would be much more likely to visit the Darwin stain than Mary's wall pussy.

 

[Jeff7181]

Mary's wall... :laugh:

 

[ConstipatedVigilante]

As soon as I saw the title I thought "this must be the onion."

 

[preslove]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: Dumac
Oh my, I thought this was real at first.

Is the fake story about the stain in the OP any more ridiculous than the "real" stain of mary/vagina?

One's satire and the other is sincere. The sincere one is 1000X more ridiculous because the people actually believe it. The Onion is satirizing the idiots who believe in stuff like this.

 

[nanette1985]

Thanks for posting - good one!

I also laughed at another story from the onion, pedophile nervous for first day of school. So wrong, but so funny.

 

[CallMeJoe]

I wonder why it's always Jesus' face on the toast; doesn't it also look kind of like Charlie Manson in the right light?

 

[SagaLore]

Originally posted by: jonks

Originally posted by: effowe
Onion is always classic, but getting to people that actually do this sort of crap. There was this stain under the overpass that I used to take home to the suburbs all the time. It had a vague outline of a body on the wall and people came and seriously fucked up traffic when I was trying to get home. I'm pretty sure people still lay flowers in front of it to this day, and that was 5 something years ago.

Edit:

Here it is

huh. looks like a vagina to me.

Yea, it needs deflowered.