Originally posted by: PeeluckyDuckee
I'm using this forum as a medium to express my feelings, frustration and depression, and to hear what you guys have to say. I guess mostly I just need someone to listen to me. On the internet I don't know you, you don't know me and I feel I can speak freely in this regards.
I don't know if what's happening to me is similar to others who have parents and are of chinese origins. Parents in general are protective of their children. I can understand that...to a certain extent.
I've reasoned and argued with parents more times than I can count expressing that the things they do and say to people about me does hurt me emotionally and are wrong.
I'm 25, single, hold down two jobs and have my own share of responsibilities. I can be independent if I so wish to be, but due to family and personal financial situation it would be best for all of us if I remained a stay at home child. If I move out on my own there'd be financial stress on everybody. I've had a say in a family decision (family car purchase) and it's my obligation to help out financially since I put them in the situation they are in. Reason two is I'm chinese and been brought up to care for your elderly.
The root problem is the fact that my parents put no faith in me at all as an adult individual. And to a lesser extent, as their child. My father, in front of my peer friends and their parents that, and I paraphrase, "if they don't come back by (time) then I yell at them like a dog and their heads are down". Translate that into chinese and it sounds even worse. Everybody who heard it at the other room was shocked and I was furious mad. He'd demand to tell me when to sleep. A curfew for a 25yr old?? Rediculous to say the least if you ask me. But I hear those who'd reply by saying "his house his rules" or "he pays the bills". Brother is 26 and even gets yelled at if he stays out past 10:30.
Mother is worse. Way worse. Things that father does is at the forefront. Things that she does is very sneaky and behind the scenes.
I feel as if I'm a playdol being tied to a string...helpless. My aunts/uncles and cousin listens to her. Mother thinks I cannot care for myself or stand up for myself. Better yet, I can't think for myself as far as she's concerned.
- She'd drive up to my cousin's house to see if my car is parked there. If it is she'd ring the doorbell and pretend she'd be visiting. An uninvited guest is very rude to say the least.
- She'd go to the restaurant and ask the waiters/waitresses there if they saw me with certain individuals dining at that restaurant.
- She'd open my bills to check and see where I went and what I did.
- She'd go to the bank and update my bankbook (got that fixed thru bank ombudsman)
- She'd call my aunts/uncles discussing about my financial situation (none of their business)
- She'd call my cousin and friend to suggest things like not to take advantage of me and that every time I pay I charge my visa and in debt up the ying yang.
- She'd tell my cousins not to hang out with me anymore cause she's afraid I might hook up with another 16yr old friend (I'm 25!! What an insult to both of us)
- She'd then tell my cousin and friends to hang out with me again or try to hook me up with a g/f cause it's better than me doing so and so. (conflicts herself and manipulative)
- She'd tell me to hang out with the said friend and cousin cause he hooked me up with a job (earlier in the years)
- She'd always want to know where I've been
- She'd tell my cousins and aunts/uncles before I visited them to keep me busy and not to take me to certain places (I got fed up and rented my own car and did my own thing)
- She'd make prank calls to my cousins at odd hours (1am, 6am). They put a phone trace and determined it was her. I brought it up to her, she denied it. She still does it to this day.
- She'd try to choke up an answer by asking my cousins questions certain ways. If they answered a certain way she'd know and get the answer she's looking for.
- She'd put the blame on others for my actions (going to certain places or getting into certain habits).
- She'd tell EVERYBODY to hide information as to when my cousin and friend's marriage is so I can't join them on their marriage trip (where it hurts me is the said cousin and friend LISTENED to her and declined my participation - what else do I have to say)
- She thinks when I go out I pay for everything and that other people don't contribute. So she feels she has to share my financial situation with everyone.
- She skews the facts 180* degrees and spreads them to all the relatives down in the US. Other than myself, a couple other elderly cousins (40 and 32) are blamed for my actions. They are seen as bad peers and their relationships with their aunts/uncles are really no better than mine.
- She sees me gambling with my cousin and blames her for bringing me there, lol. (we met there) Funny thing is she was the one who went gambling behind father's back and asked us to give her rides months ago. If anybody she should blame herself then, lol.
- She'd blame the cousins for I rented a vehicle ON MY OWN and offered them rides, and them not paying a share of the rental costs. lol.
- She'd call my cell by blocking private so I won't know it's her. When I pick up she won't say a thing and hang up. Just to see who I'm with.
- She'd call my friends at late nights asking where I am (when I'm not with them)
There's more, but lets leave it at that. Most of the things she does father does not know about. My cousins down in the US were instructed to babysit me by my mom when I went there. How sad is that? They being the younger generation, out of respect I guess??, did as she instructed. Everybody sees me and the cousins as bad people now. The one cousin who's getting married doesn't want the relationship to go down south any further and we've mutually cut off contact to minimize all this BS that goes on. We've been frank to each other.
The relationship between the local cousin/friend and I have deteriorated and we've became further and further apart. I'm cool with the cousin's b/f and we get along quite well. If not for mother we would have a really good connection.
One thing I'd like to say here that's in my mind but I haven't said to my cousin and her b/f is why is my cousin going along with what she instructs and to avoid contact with me? I don't know how to say it, but I feel they too are also hurting me by not respecting me enough to allow me to make my own decisions. In a way, my cousin is allowing her to play me lke a doll and pull me left, right, and center. In the end it's their marriage and if they don't wish for my participation then so be it. I understand their concern and where they're coming from as well. I just feel hurt. And depressed. Very.
I do feel sorry for my cousin's b/f' though. He's chinese and her mother is another crazy jack in a box. They're 9yrs in age difference. He's worry whether to invite her to the marriage. His situation is even more fcuked up
than mine!!
As for my parents, I've tried to reason with them many times and went thru many arguments. Their mindset won't change. I'm planning on moving out as soon as I get my ducks in a row.
Life's interesting, ain't it? Thanks for listening.
Cliff's note: Crazy asian parents
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