Up until about last January, I was severely depressed for about 5 years previous, and dealing with mucho personal shit for 2 years before that (I'm 21, for reference). Pretty much fucked up my entire adolescence. Basically a combination of family shit (think 4 hour shouting matches every other day if not every day, with the occasional physical confrontation) that's been around for the last 7 years, and social insecurity that I'd had since day one. Everyone else I knew was living, I was busy surviving.
Now, after almost one year of being free of it all, I have no idea WTF I'm doing. I'm a year behind in college due to taking 2 semesters off for my one year of psychological treatment (Took a while to recognize I was depressed in the first place. Parents didn't exactly help, and you get used to it after a few years). Never had a girlfriend, didn't drink alcohol until a month ago, my GPA is a 1.7 and my social life is shit. I don't have a problem starting the latter up, and I don't have any enemies or anything, it's maintaining it that I suck at. I didn't have many friends in HS, and even then I didn't confide in any of them. I endured everything thrown at me alone, with the exception of my sister, but she's 2 years older and headed for college before me. That's 2 extra years I endured without her. Point being I'm used to eating, sleeping, and dreaming with one eye open, and analyzing people's actions in ways that would make any sane person's head explode (even the most innocent act can snowball into a nuclear war in my family). Nevermind building up the emotional numbness/strength to take the heat of constant conflict.
As a result I'm naturally suspicious and critical. My edict for the last several years was that my parents were wrong until proven right (if I provided more details, you'd understand where this comes from). Unfortunately that became second nature, and now I have to catch myself. According to what I've read/been told, since this occured during adolescence when my brain was still developing, some of it's semi-hard-wired into my brain, like firmware. Beautiful. :roll:
It's not all bad though. I'm better off now than at any point in the last several years. I just have no idea what to do with myself, and I've got mucho shit on my plate as it is (GPA, family and whatnot). On top of it all, I just feel naive. Like I'm behind on life by comparison to literally everyone of my peers. I've missed out on so much.
Kind of ironic. I recovered from the worst of my depression in the same environment that spawned it; and name any form of purely psychological torture you can think of, I've probably endured a variation of it. Yet I'm scared shitless when it comes to being social. Just afraid I'll slip up and fuck something up. I've already done it a couple of times. I come off as being critical, when in reality my brain's just doing what it does naturally, and when called out on it I can't exactly expalin it on the spot, so then I come off as insecure. I can compensate, but I need a hell of a lot of sleep, food, and just energy to do so. Change is a bitch.
Cliffs: Most people figure out who they are in adolescence/early adulthood and then learn their limits later. I feel like I'm doing the opposite, and I'm out of sync.
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