{formatted from another list posting I did, excuse the many typo's more emotion than thought in this post}
I'm trying to undergo some self improvement right now, and need some
input or help, or maybe I just need to vent and voice. I would very
much like to be able to live each day to it's fullest. I'd love to
savor every good thing for all it's wonderous flavors, and seperate
it from the bad things which I wish to deal with on their own so
they don't contaminate the good. Somehow, I'm not able to do this.
I've always been a SEVERE pessimist in my life. In part it comes
from overthinking everything. In part it comes from having lost so
much trust in others, especially in systems and organizations.
Every time I begin to get truly happy and see things for their
possibilities, something has happened to utterly crush me. It isn't
always something that ruins the good thing either, but because I get
stressed out and upset over it I ruin the good stuff myself, or can
no longer bring myself to have a positive outlook. I used to be
able to just accept that this was how I was...but now I have need to
change.
As the long timers on this list know, I've had two main themes in my
life for the last decade or so. First, my ex-wife is satan on earth
and consistantly strives to destroy me...most often by corrupting
our daughter or trying to prevent me from being a part of her life.
Secondly, I've been madly in love with my best friend for close to
ten years but we've never gotten together, and in fact I got to
watch her marry another man who has the same name as me only to
watch the relationship spiral out of control and crash, ending in a
messy divorce just a month or so ago.
Anyway, last year my ex-satan decided she would be moving herself
and our daughter 3000 miles away to New Jersey after she lost a
contempt battle to me in court. I retained a lawyer and carefully
plotted our strategy and for the first time since my marriage had a
truly positive outlook. I knew it would be ok. For about 6 months
nothing changed and I was totally at peace.
During that time I also found out about my best friends marriage
failing. This caused me massive anxiety...first because I was
hurting for her, second because I felt guilty that I should have
warned her before she married him about what we all saw in him, and
lastly because it reoppened my feelings for her 10 fold. However,
even knowing (perhaps pessimistically) I'd never be with her did
little to darken my mood. I maintained my optimism about my
daughter, and could deal with my unrequited love in it's own little
box, and I was still happy.
A few weeks ago the holder of my affection and I had a long talk
about all sorts of things. I apologized for not being a good friend
to her, for leaving town when she got with her man just because I
was jealous and hurt...I apologized for not having the courage to
tell her what I thought about him. I also came clean and told her
just how much she has always meant to me, and how deeply I'd loved
her for so long. She shared a lot with me as well. In the end, our
friendship felt stronger than ever, a weight had been lifted from
me, and life continued. In fact, I still loved her, maybe even
more, but still felt there was no hope of us ever being
together...but I was ok with that. It didn't change a thing in my
new found optimism.
Then it happened. The wonderful woman whom I had accepted would
only ever be just a friend told me that she hoped we had a future
together, and that after things were healed and fresh she wanted to
find out if I kissed as good in life as I did in her dreams. Not to
be overdramatic, but it was like I'd just crested the top of the
roller coaster and saw the ride coming. For the next month I felt
so confused, so unsure of everything that I wondered in a complete
haze. I wasn't growing pessimistic yet, but then again I wasn't
anything...just dazed.
So we went to the beach this last weekend. It was one of the best
trips ever with friends. We palyed games, played with the
kids...everything was awesome. Due to shortage of beds we also had
to share one, but had seperate sleeping bags so everything was
kosher. Saturday evening, after the kids were in bed, us and a
couple of our friends had some drinks and played games (we actually
invented a drinking game version of chutes and ladders...pretty
fun), we listened to music, laughed ourselves sick...it was
wonderful.
After tiring of games we sat and listened to softer music. The
lights were very low, the air was filled with sounds of crashing
surf in the distance...starlight streamed in every window. The
cabin smelled like comfort...I know of no other way to describe it,
but it's the smell of a place where you grew up, where you felt safe
and knew every inch of the building...it was childhood and family
and all good things under a roof. Over that smell, drifting on
gentle currents, was a subtle combination of nag champa incense from
the night before and the delicate scents of her soap and shampoo,
and of her lip balm - vanilla I believe.
I gave her a massage on the couch. The sensual meditteranean
rhythms of Loreena Mckennit set the pace while my hands danced
across her skin, half curative and half caress. After a fairly
complete seated massage I began to massage her face and scalp.
Within moments I left all thoughts of useful massage and began to
merely play in her hair. I have always loved it, crimson fire in my
hands that burns the heart instead of the flesh. I have no idea how
long I ran my fingers through it, inhaling her essence as each
strand fell back into place. It was surely far more intoxicating
than the liquor we had imbibed.
Finally I slid down beside her and she rested back onto me. I held
her there silently for some time, without a thought in my
mind...conscious only of the surf, and of the rhythms of the song,
and the rhythms of her breathing. She slowly turned to face me.
Time yielded to a decade of emotional build-up and slowed around
us. She gently placed her fingertips on the back of my neck and
pulled my mouth to hers.
Now, I consider myself something of an expert when it comes to all
physical activity between a man and woman. I have had nothing but
compliments for 15 years about technique, passion, etc. In every
instance I carefully control all contact to provide the maximum
effect. But not this time.
I had no mind, no control, no will. I know our lips touched, I felt
the pressure, can still feel it. I tasted her lip balm immediately,
but it was in way distracting...only enhancing. I know we didn't
kiss long...though I'm not sure how I know. A few seconds maybe of
real time. But all praise Einstein I now comprehend how time curves
around us and bends to extremes. In those few scant seconds I lived
a lifetime. I felt every hug we'd ever shared, saw every smile on
her lips, felt every tear across her cheek. I saw compiled within
my sould the accumulation of 31 years of loneliness and lies laid
bare before me. It was earth shattering. My masks and walls were
laid to waste as surely as a writer can crumple the life of his
character by merely pulling the paper from the typewriter and
tossing it into the waste basket. I had no more power or control
than that.
A few minutes later we retired for the evening, only a few words
spoken. She fell asleep quickly, or seemed to. I laid awake for
hour after hour still trapped in that kiss. You've heard it before,
and it may sound cliche, but I swear by all that is holy I could not
succumb to sleep lest the event be proven a dream. I have never
dwelt so long in a single place without thought. Only pure desire
to not lose that moment kept me conscious. Eventually, of course,
sleep claimed me.
The next day was as good as the previous two. Nothing had openly
changed between us, but I noticed the differences. Colors crisper,
moments seemed to stretch out longer that I could savor them. We
played with the kids, rode the merry-go-round, hit the arcade, then
drove home. It was the best weekend of my life.
Since returning things are not the same. Oh, my friend and I are
the same...but I find myself returned at once completely to the
despair I once knew. Without realizing it had happened I'm now
completely pessimistic about the outcome of my court battle over my
daughter. I'm scared to death of losing her. For the first time
since I found out about the move I believe more that I will lose
than that I will win, and I can't seem to convince myself
otherwise. What's more, that fear has corrupted the positive hope
of a relationship with the woman I love more than anyone. I cower
under my blankets and week at all the possibilities of what might
happen to ruin it. If I lose my daughter will I move, will I go
insane, will she back away so as not to become tangled in this
emotional baggage I bring with me??? Do I follow my daughter across
the country with no money, no support, no job opportunities? Or do
I abandon her to remain with my love? Would she still respect me if
I gave up on my daughter? Every day brings many new outbreaks of
panic and fear...I haven't cried this much since my mother died.
DAMNIT all to HELL! This should be the happiest week of my life, a
decade of dreaming has come to fruition as I have shared true loves
first kiss, but I sit not in wonder but in misery and fear as I
dwell upon the negative. And so I'm at my current junction.
Tonight a friend helped me see that I have to chill, that I must
abandon my far seeing, to love and live the now. Yet I find myself
unable to do so. I have never been one to surrender control, of any
type. I want to change, to be positive, optimistic. I want to
enjoy my time with my daughter NOW, and to love the love I feel
after so long of hoping and waiting. I know there is stress
unavoidable with the terrible things that I face, but I want to
seperate that from the good. I want to take each thing complete in
itself and not place it always in the larger picture. Most of all,
I want to be the best person I can be, to be a positive part in the
life of the woman I love.
Is this possible? Is it personal choice? Can such changes be
made? Is it personality, is it intellect, is it wisdom? Is it
genetic, spiritual? What must I do to stop the tears? How strong
must I be to stand up to this fear? Can anyone understand? Can
anyone help?
Kristin
I'm trying to undergo some self improvement right now, and need some
input or help, or maybe I just need to vent and voice. I would very
much like to be able to live each day to it's fullest. I'd love to
savor every good thing for all it's wonderous flavors, and seperate
it from the bad things which I wish to deal with on their own so
they don't contaminate the good. Somehow, I'm not able to do this.
I've always been a SEVERE pessimist in my life. In part it comes
from overthinking everything. In part it comes from having lost so
much trust in others, especially in systems and organizations.
Every time I begin to get truly happy and see things for their
possibilities, something has happened to utterly crush me. It isn't
always something that ruins the good thing either, but because I get
stressed out and upset over it I ruin the good stuff myself, or can
no longer bring myself to have a positive outlook. I used to be
able to just accept that this was how I was...but now I have need to
change.
As the long timers on this list know, I've had two main themes in my
life for the last decade or so. First, my ex-wife is satan on earth
and consistantly strives to destroy me...most often by corrupting
our daughter or trying to prevent me from being a part of her life.
Secondly, I've been madly in love with my best friend for close to
ten years but we've never gotten together, and in fact I got to
watch her marry another man who has the same name as me only to
watch the relationship spiral out of control and crash, ending in a
messy divorce just a month or so ago.
Anyway, last year my ex-satan decided she would be moving herself
and our daughter 3000 miles away to New Jersey after she lost a
contempt battle to me in court. I retained a lawyer and carefully
plotted our strategy and for the first time since my marriage had a
truly positive outlook. I knew it would be ok. For about 6 months
nothing changed and I was totally at peace.
During that time I also found out about my best friends marriage
failing. This caused me massive anxiety...first because I was
hurting for her, second because I felt guilty that I should have
warned her before she married him about what we all saw in him, and
lastly because it reoppened my feelings for her 10 fold. However,
even knowing (perhaps pessimistically) I'd never be with her did
little to darken my mood. I maintained my optimism about my
daughter, and could deal with my unrequited love in it's own little
box, and I was still happy.
A few weeks ago the holder of my affection and I had a long talk
about all sorts of things. I apologized for not being a good friend
to her, for leaving town when she got with her man just because I
was jealous and hurt...I apologized for not having the courage to
tell her what I thought about him. I also came clean and told her
just how much she has always meant to me, and how deeply I'd loved
her for so long. She shared a lot with me as well. In the end, our
friendship felt stronger than ever, a weight had been lifted from
me, and life continued. In fact, I still loved her, maybe even
more, but still felt there was no hope of us ever being
together...but I was ok with that. It didn't change a thing in my
new found optimism.
Then it happened. The wonderful woman whom I had accepted would
only ever be just a friend told me that she hoped we had a future
together, and that after things were healed and fresh she wanted to
find out if I kissed as good in life as I did in her dreams. Not to
be overdramatic, but it was like I'd just crested the top of the
roller coaster and saw the ride coming. For the next month I felt
so confused, so unsure of everything that I wondered in a complete
haze. I wasn't growing pessimistic yet, but then again I wasn't
anything...just dazed.
So we went to the beach this last weekend. It was one of the best
trips ever with friends. We palyed games, played with the
kids...everything was awesome. Due to shortage of beds we also had
to share one, but had seperate sleeping bags so everything was
kosher. Saturday evening, after the kids were in bed, us and a
couple of our friends had some drinks and played games (we actually
invented a drinking game version of chutes and ladders...pretty
fun), we listened to music, laughed ourselves sick...it was
wonderful.
After tiring of games we sat and listened to softer music. The
lights were very low, the air was filled with sounds of crashing
surf in the distance...starlight streamed in every window. The
cabin smelled like comfort...I know of no other way to describe it,
but it's the smell of a place where you grew up, where you felt safe
and knew every inch of the building...it was childhood and family
and all good things under a roof. Over that smell, drifting on
gentle currents, was a subtle combination of nag champa incense from
the night before and the delicate scents of her soap and shampoo,
and of her lip balm - vanilla I believe.
I gave her a massage on the couch. The sensual meditteranean
rhythms of Loreena Mckennit set the pace while my hands danced
across her skin, half curative and half caress. After a fairly
complete seated massage I began to massage her face and scalp.
Within moments I left all thoughts of useful massage and began to
merely play in her hair. I have always loved it, crimson fire in my
hands that burns the heart instead of the flesh. I have no idea how
long I ran my fingers through it, inhaling her essence as each
strand fell back into place. It was surely far more intoxicating
than the liquor we had imbibed.
Finally I slid down beside her and she rested back onto me. I held
her there silently for some time, without a thought in my
mind...conscious only of the surf, and of the rhythms of the song,
and the rhythms of her breathing. She slowly turned to face me.
Time yielded to a decade of emotional build-up and slowed around
us. She gently placed her fingertips on the back of my neck and
pulled my mouth to hers.
Now, I consider myself something of an expert when it comes to all
physical activity between a man and woman. I have had nothing but
compliments for 15 years about technique, passion, etc. In every
instance I carefully control all contact to provide the maximum
effect. But not this time.
I had no mind, no control, no will. I know our lips touched, I felt
the pressure, can still feel it. I tasted her lip balm immediately,
but it was in way distracting...only enhancing. I know we didn't
kiss long...though I'm not sure how I know. A few seconds maybe of
real time. But all praise Einstein I now comprehend how time curves
around us and bends to extremes. In those few scant seconds I lived
a lifetime. I felt every hug we'd ever shared, saw every smile on
her lips, felt every tear across her cheek. I saw compiled within
my sould the accumulation of 31 years of loneliness and lies laid
bare before me. It was earth shattering. My masks and walls were
laid to waste as surely as a writer can crumple the life of his
character by merely pulling the paper from the typewriter and
tossing it into the waste basket. I had no more power or control
than that.
A few minutes later we retired for the evening, only a few words
spoken. She fell asleep quickly, or seemed to. I laid awake for
hour after hour still trapped in that kiss. You've heard it before,
and it may sound cliche, but I swear by all that is holy I could not
succumb to sleep lest the event be proven a dream. I have never
dwelt so long in a single place without thought. Only pure desire
to not lose that moment kept me conscious. Eventually, of course,
sleep claimed me.
The next day was as good as the previous two. Nothing had openly
changed between us, but I noticed the differences. Colors crisper,
moments seemed to stretch out longer that I could savor them. We
played with the kids, rode the merry-go-round, hit the arcade, then
drove home. It was the best weekend of my life.
Since returning things are not the same. Oh, my friend and I are
the same...but I find myself returned at once completely to the
despair I once knew. Without realizing it had happened I'm now
completely pessimistic about the outcome of my court battle over my
daughter. I'm scared to death of losing her. For the first time
since I found out about the move I believe more that I will lose
than that I will win, and I can't seem to convince myself
otherwise. What's more, that fear has corrupted the positive hope
of a relationship with the woman I love more than anyone. I cower
under my blankets and week at all the possibilities of what might
happen to ruin it. If I lose my daughter will I move, will I go
insane, will she back away so as not to become tangled in this
emotional baggage I bring with me??? Do I follow my daughter across
the country with no money, no support, no job opportunities? Or do
I abandon her to remain with my love? Would she still respect me if
I gave up on my daughter? Every day brings many new outbreaks of
panic and fear...I haven't cried this much since my mother died.
DAMNIT all to HELL! This should be the happiest week of my life, a
decade of dreaming has come to fruition as I have shared true loves
first kiss, but I sit not in wonder but in misery and fear as I
dwell upon the negative. And so I'm at my current junction.
Tonight a friend helped me see that I have to chill, that I must
abandon my far seeing, to love and live the now. Yet I find myself
unable to do so. I have never been one to surrender control, of any
type. I want to change, to be positive, optimistic. I want to
enjoy my time with my daughter NOW, and to love the love I feel
after so long of hoping and waiting. I know there is stress
unavoidable with the terrible things that I face, but I want to
seperate that from the good. I want to take each thing complete in
itself and not place it always in the larger picture. Most of all,
I want to be the best person I can be, to be a positive part in the
life of the woman I love.
Is this possible? Is it personal choice? Can such changes be
made? Is it personality, is it intellect, is it wisdom? Is it
genetic, spiritual? What must I do to stop the tears? How strong
must I be to stand up to this fear? Can anyone understand? Can
anyone help?
Kristin
sorry, I just can't see myself reading that :beer:
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