Dump your inlaws..

[slackerinabox]

No, not another rant about the inlaws and how I hate the midwest... in fact, I've realized that I don't hate the midwest at all, I actually enjoy some of it - it's my particular inlaws who are crazy. Anyways, I've ranted a lot here so I figured you should know the closure - my mother in law did another heinous and selfish thing and, after a talk with the mrs, my wife just dumped her family.

And we've never been happier. We called the ones who were harmless and explained our situation, and the cool side effect is that we've been having lunch with a lot of them and have become closer, not more distant. And they're no longer surrounding our lives and daily deciisons- No more literally 350 texts a day, no more passive aggressive facebook, no more "is that what you're doing tonight? you're parents, not teenagers!" zero judgement, and we're free and happy and going out more and enjoying ourselves..

I'm not writing this to talk about myself even more, just if you have a crazy, manipulative and borderline sociopathatic family member, search your soul and consider cutting the cord. I see too many guys bitch and whine about horrible relatives, while just swallowing their abusive family member's bullshit - why? I have so much less stress, and bitch less and less every day (though I still bitch, give me a few weeks).

 

[zinfamous]

they'll be back, and so will you.

 

[BoomerD]

We dumped the in-laws on both sides...when they died.

My wife LOVED her dad and tolerated her mom...until her dad died and my MiL went bat-shit crazy. My wife "divorced" her mom over some of her bullshit...and they were estranged when the old biddie died. That's caused my wife a considerable amount of grief...egen though she (and I) knows she did the right thing.
It's easy to "dump" family...but it's not so easy to leave them dumped.

 

[Kaido]

zero judgement, and we're free and happy and going out more and enjoying ourselves.

Good call dude. The main thing to realize about relationships as an adult is that you can't change other people. You just have to deal with them as they are, because they're adults & that's how they choose to behave. That doesn't mean they can't change ever, but it does mean it's up to you to choose to keep them in your life or keep them at a distance. Sometimes part of growing up yourself is deciding when to cut someone out of your life, as much as that may stink.

Plus, as an adult, you work, you have a family, you have adult responsibilities. Your free time is limited, and spending it with people who choose to be anchors instead of buoys can be a real bummer. The people who you spend time with in your personal circle influence you a lot...what you do, how you feel, etc., and if they're always weighing you down, it's going to be a constant drag. I think it's important when you reach that point to fish or cut bait, you know?

It sounds like you made the right call man.

 

[Eug]

I'm not writing this to talk about myself even more, just if you have a crazy, manipulative and borderline sociopathatic family member, search your soul and consider cutting the cord. I see too many guys bitch and whine about horrible relatives, while just swallowing their abusive family member's bullshit - why? I have so much less stress, and bitch less and less every day (though I still bitch, give me a few weeks).

Heh. Blog post #23425?

Seriously though, I won't let one specific relative here anymore, and our lives have been better for it.

 

[bbhaag]

So I haven't really followed your blog but I have to ask did you reciprocate? You cut off all communication to your parents to right?

 

[rh71]

Were they helpful in the least? Were they pleasant to be around? If no to both of these, no reason to subject yourself to it. Both our parents have been extremely helpful with our kids through the years and are there anytime we need them, for anything. If only every parent actually cared about their kids no matter their age. It kind of sets a precedent.

 

[Jeeebus]

not another rant about the inlaws...

until the next sentence when I start ranting about the inlaws.

 

[slackerinabox]

they'll be back, and so will you.

Meh, I'm fine with that. All of this is on my wife's terms, as miserable as my mil is to me she's worse to my wife. Listen, I was estranged from my parents at 17 because I smoked the evil weed, didn't speak to them for 8 years and then forgave after they accepted me on my own (stoner, ha) terms. And now our relationship's great. If the toxic behavior stops or they at least hide it around us we're cool, we just couldn't let status quo continue - she was playing mind games with the kids and all that.

 

[slackerinabox]

Plus, as an adult, you work, you have a family, you have adult responsibilities. Your free time is limited, and spending it with people who choose to be anchors instead of buoys can be a real bummer. The people who you spend time with in your personal circle influence you a lot...what you do, how you feel, etc., and if they're always weighing you down, it's going to be a constant drag. I think it's important when you reach that point to fish or cut bait, you know?

It sounds like you made the right call man.

This x100! They were visiting every two weeks, quite literally. Oh, we'd try to put our foot down and limit it to once a month but they wiggled their way in. Not only was it driving me crazy, were spending money entertaining and wasting time showing them around like tour guides, all this when they just come and question our life choices and our parenting. I actually had a nervous breakdown after what felt like we were seeing them every other week (always some birthday or some stupid reason to just come on by, my wife didn't ask to see them on hers for example but - boom, they were here). I couldn't even smoke, she'd knock on the door and say "am i smelling something in here?" Like I'm 12..

DUMP YOUR INLAWS/negative influences, I don't want to squabble with forum trolls about their brilliant hypothesis about our lives while knowing very little, I just know we've had a very happy few months without them.

 

[MrSquished]

not another rant about the inlaws...

until the next sentence when I start ranting about the inlaws.

amen

 

[slackerinabox]

So I haven't really followed your blog but I have to ask did you reciprocate? You cut off all communication to your parents to right?

Nope, she loves my mom and my mom consoled her through all of this (and they help plenty with childcare, and we return the favor by helping out when we can). Not everything is so cut and dry, right?

 

[slackerinabox]

We dumped the in-laws on both sides...when they died.

My wife LOVED her dad and tolerated her mom...until her dad died and my MiL went bat-shit crazy. My wife "divorced" her mom over some of her bullshit...and they were estranged when the old biddie died. That's caused my wife a considerable amount of grief...egen though she (and I) knows she did the right thing.
It's easy to "dump" family...but it's not so easy to leave them dumped.

They're youngish (the inlaws), I expect them to bury the hatchet before the deathbed, but some space is a symbolic line in the sand

 

[BoomerD]

They're youngish (the inlaws), I expect them to bury the hatchet before the deathbed, but some space is a symbolic line in the sand

My MiL was relatively young...61 or 62 when she died...you just never know when your number will come up.

 

[kranky]

I think in-law issues are the most stressful to deal with other than finances. I'm very lucky - I have a lot of great in-laws, and the ones that aren't so great are at least harmless. My next-door neighbor bent my ear for a half-hour last Friday about her husband's sister coming to stay for the weekend. Apparently the sister-in-law never runs out of snarky passive-aggressive comments to throw at my neighbor. She told me "I have to drink to be able to tolerate her, but after a while I'm too drunk to be able to ignore her ignorant comments." And there was quite a bit of shouting over the weekend that proved her right.

I'd have to agree the best situation is to cut the cord and stay out of a toxic situation.

 

[BurnItDwn]

I love my crazy, manipulative and borderline sociopathatic grandmother.

My inlaws are great though, Mother in law is one of the kindest people I have ever met. Father in law lives an hour away, and he's a nice guy.