Ricemarine
Lifer
Just read it for voice, nothing more please, unless you find a MAJOR error. For those who don't like reading, don't bother. My teacher said I lacked voice in most of my writings, so I tried to incorporate it somehow in this one.
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Does this essay I just wrote (not hope) have voice?
- Thread starter Ricemarine
- Start date
Tu13erhead
Diamond Member
Meh. To me, it sounds just like your plain old research paper.
Who are you talking to?
What are you trying to tell them?
What's your opinion?
Some good links:
How to put your own voice in your writing
Finding your voice
Who are you talking to?
What are you trying to tell them?
What's your opinion?
Some good links:
How to put your own voice in your writing
Finding your voice
Tu13erhead
Diamond Member
See my links above.
Inventions have helped create the world we have today, with such high tech machinery that are precise to the nearest millimeter or even smaller.
No no no no, unless you are going to write a paper on fine tolerances, don't start with such a specific example.
Without machines, we?d still be using anvils and horses to help create many of our usual necessities.
What the heck are usual necessities? Is that like in apposition to some of the rarer necessities?
But what was used to create most of these complex pieces of metal? The one most important invention that has revolutionized the modern world is known as the ?computer.?
Everybody knows what it is know as and it is hardly required to create pieces of metal. Those in fact can be created on that anvil you decried.
First, the computer helps people by working more efficiently than ever before. Cars are one of the necessities that have been mass produced with the help of the computer.
Cars are not a necessity and you were talking about efficiency not necessity and abruptly changed the subject.
In the factories, there are various machines that are meant to do a specific job.
No kidding.
One machine is used to press down steel to make a frame. Another machine used in factories is used to weld certain automobile parts together. Although both have different tasks, they are both configured by the computer. For an average Joe to do this, it?d take him more like a day to press down the steel precisely.
Cars have only within recent times been made by computer. They can and were made for decades without them.
Also, operating dams through computers has made it safer and easier for the workers of the dam.
Hehe, workers of the dam. Sounds like a WOW guild.
By using controls, computers can be used to command valves to close or open anywhere around the dam.
I can just see these valves floating in the air above the dam.
This would make it safer and easier instead of sending out a person to do it for them.
It would or it does and for who, the computer?
Now, they can sit on their special, comfy chair, monitoring each part of the dam while watching ?CSI? on TV while eating their favorite donuts.
When I worked in a dam I ate sandwiches.
Secondly, the Internet makes the world seem small, since now people can communicate with anybody around the world.
Where did the internet come from. I was still thinking about Hubert Heaver.
Emails can be sent and received around the world instantly, instead of taking the usual 6-8 weeks to receive it through services such as the United Postal Service (USPS). Then to reply to the Email received, all he has to do is type his thoughtful response, and then press the button above his message ?Reply.? Now, he doesn?t have to pack the letter, lick it, stamp it, and sending it off again for another 6-8 weeks for another reply.
Try air mail.
But also, the Internet contributes guest books, forums, instant messaging, and online multiplayer game play allows different people to communicate and play with each other.
See I knew WOW belonged in here somewhere.
People with similar interests can talk about what they like, instead of searching around their area to find someone that might be posing to have the same interests.
I searched around my area and found q bunch of trash. You may have a point here.
Heck, even a person from Canada might be playing in the same game with a person from France.
See, see, that's what I mean. I play WOW with Australians all the time.
Finally, the computer is an everyday necessity, contributing to the economy along with more inventions. A student can be frantically typing up and essay right this instant due in 20 minutes, while a web designer is designing a website for their consumer on an HTML program like Macromedia Dream Weaver. Nowadays, teachers ask for essays to be typed on the computer, instead of handing in some chicken scratches on a sheet of paper.
Yes, but the computer can't create intelligent content, now can it.
It makes writing look more professional by typing it.
I think the constitution looks much better in long hand.
The web designer is just one of the few jobs that have been created with the creation of the computer. Another job could be selling items online.
When did we get into jobs? I thought we were talking about the efficiency of machines after I thought we were going to discuss fine tolerance creation.
A person surfing the web cam easily purchase a digital camera online, instead of driving to the store and back, wasting more gas and time. Course, online retailers more than likely helps promote obesity. ?I can?t reach my soda!? or ?Man, that department store is sure far away.? Mainly, someone surfing the web would probably only just open the door to receive their package, nothing more. There are various computer jobs still available today, but the competition for a job has gone up significantly. Thousands of people around the world go to technical schools, such as the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT), working hard to get an American job. Just hoping for the same pay an American makes. But to most of us Americans, a computer is just an everyday tool, nothing more.
When our personalities are uploaded we won't have to go to the store or get fat.
Overall, the computer has been one of the most important inventions ever made by man. By shortening time to do work, while creating more jobs, to faster communication. What would our lives be like without the computer? In my opinion, we'd be living in an Amish Paradise without it.
God give me an Amish paradise, please.
Your essay is about the value of the computer to modern life. Begin your essay with that thought. Maybe organize it thematically according to the benefits you see. Efficiency convenience etc.
No no no no, unless you are going to write a paper on fine tolerances, don't start with such a specific example.
Without machines, we?d still be using anvils and horses to help create many of our usual necessities.
What the heck are usual necessities? Is that like in apposition to some of the rarer necessities?
But what was used to create most of these complex pieces of metal? The one most important invention that has revolutionized the modern world is known as the ?computer.?
Everybody knows what it is know as and it is hardly required to create pieces of metal. Those in fact can be created on that anvil you decried.
First, the computer helps people by working more efficiently than ever before. Cars are one of the necessities that have been mass produced with the help of the computer.
Cars are not a necessity and you were talking about efficiency not necessity and abruptly changed the subject.
In the factories, there are various machines that are meant to do a specific job.
No kidding.
One machine is used to press down steel to make a frame. Another machine used in factories is used to weld certain automobile parts together. Although both have different tasks, they are both configured by the computer. For an average Joe to do this, it?d take him more like a day to press down the steel precisely.
Cars have only within recent times been made by computer. They can and were made for decades without them.
Also, operating dams through computers has made it safer and easier for the workers of the dam.
Hehe, workers of the dam. Sounds like a WOW guild.
By using controls, computers can be used to command valves to close or open anywhere around the dam.
I can just see these valves floating in the air above the dam.
This would make it safer and easier instead of sending out a person to do it for them.
It would or it does and for who, the computer?
Now, they can sit on their special, comfy chair, monitoring each part of the dam while watching ?CSI? on TV while eating their favorite donuts.
When I worked in a dam I ate sandwiches.
Secondly, the Internet makes the world seem small, since now people can communicate with anybody around the world.
Where did the internet come from. I was still thinking about Hubert Heaver.
Emails can be sent and received around the world instantly, instead of taking the usual 6-8 weeks to receive it through services such as the United Postal Service (USPS). Then to reply to the Email received, all he has to do is type his thoughtful response, and then press the button above his message ?Reply.? Now, he doesn?t have to pack the letter, lick it, stamp it, and sending it off again for another 6-8 weeks for another reply.
Try air mail.
But also, the Internet contributes guest books, forums, instant messaging, and online multiplayer game play allows different people to communicate and play with each other.
See I knew WOW belonged in here somewhere.
People with similar interests can talk about what they like, instead of searching around their area to find someone that might be posing to have the same interests.
I searched around my area and found q bunch of trash. You may have a point here.
Heck, even a person from Canada might be playing in the same game with a person from France.
See, see, that's what I mean. I play WOW with Australians all the time.
Finally, the computer is an everyday necessity, contributing to the economy along with more inventions. A student can be frantically typing up and essay right this instant due in 20 minutes, while a web designer is designing a website for their consumer on an HTML program like Macromedia Dream Weaver. Nowadays, teachers ask for essays to be typed on the computer, instead of handing in some chicken scratches on a sheet of paper.
Yes, but the computer can't create intelligent content, now can it.
It makes writing look more professional by typing it.
I think the constitution looks much better in long hand.
The web designer is just one of the few jobs that have been created with the creation of the computer. Another job could be selling items online.
When did we get into jobs? I thought we were talking about the efficiency of machines after I thought we were going to discuss fine tolerance creation.
A person surfing the web cam easily purchase a digital camera online, instead of driving to the store and back, wasting more gas and time. Course, online retailers more than likely helps promote obesity. ?I can?t reach my soda!? or ?Man, that department store is sure far away.? Mainly, someone surfing the web would probably only just open the door to receive their package, nothing more. There are various computer jobs still available today, but the competition for a job has gone up significantly. Thousands of people around the world go to technical schools, such as the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT), working hard to get an American job. Just hoping for the same pay an American makes. But to most of us Americans, a computer is just an everyday tool, nothing more.
When our personalities are uploaded we won't have to go to the store or get fat.
Overall, the computer has been one of the most important inventions ever made by man. By shortening time to do work, while creating more jobs, to faster communication. What would our lives be like without the computer? In my opinion, we'd be living in an Amish Paradise without it.
God give me an Amish paradise, please.
Your essay is about the value of the computer to modern life. Begin your essay with that thought. Maybe organize it thematically according to the benefits you see. Efficiency convenience etc.
PrimoTurbo
Member
Consider revising the sentence structure, it is a little difficult to read because it doesn?t flow.
If you don?t mind, what is this for (grade, class)? I guess references aren?t a big thing, my ta's would kill me if I didn?t have footnotes or in-text citations.
If you don?t mind, what is this for (grade, class)? I guess references aren?t a big thing, my ta's would kill me if I didn?t have footnotes or in-text citations.
I don't think it is about terrible. I would call it a warm up to a next time more refined product. The point is not to focus on good or bad but on what it is you want to say. The problem with this essay, if I really had to guess, is that the subject has no real interest for the author. That is one problem with writing assignments for school. They can be made to be about stuff you don't give a crap about. They you have to completely invent something you want to say. For example, here, I don't want the author to go away with 'terrible' because negative attitudes lead to defeat. So what I have said and am saying already has an aim and my personal intent. It kind of writes itself. The only way that I can think of to write is from exactly where you are. Is there anything about yourself you can bring to the subject. Is there any way you can take an assignment and make it about something for which you care. I have heard whole essays of excuses, for example, on why some friend or another can't write on this or that subject because it's stupid. If they just wrote them down I think they would get an A. Was it Amy Tam who wrote a book on finding her voice?
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