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Do you work in IT? you can probably relate to this.
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SpanishFry
Platinum Member
#50.4 will be my work email's signature
#63: Banging your mouse against the desk is a great way to make an application process faster or unlock a program. It also helps increase the lifespan of the device.
#64: That half a pound of donut glaze and french fry grime that you have gummed up in your mouse helps lubricate the rollers in there. That choppiness and clunkiness you feel when moving the mouse around is caused by not having enough in there. Next time you have pepperoni pizza at your desk, please try and dribble a couple drops of the grease that is puddled up on it into your mouse. That should clear up any problems.
#64: That half a pound of donut glaze and french fry grime that you have gummed up in your mouse helps lubricate the rollers in there. That choppiness and clunkiness you feel when moving the mouse around is caused by not having enough in there. Next time you have pepperoni pizza at your desk, please try and dribble a couple drops of the grease that is puddled up on it into your mouse. That should clear up any problems.
NuclearNed
Raconteur
When your printer doesn't work, make sure tech support physically arrives before checking to see if it is simply out of paper. They like to share a good chuckle with users over such a silly thing.
Having lots of spyware on your computer makes you really cool, kind of like James Bond.
When you are writing down ideas for the new software you want IS to write, make sure you leave out lots of important things. In fact, don't worry about giving these "design specifications" any thought at all. If its really important, one of the IS guys will ask.
All IT guys are exacly the same, so if sparks are flying from your pc, feel free to ask the software engineers for help. If they get all snooty and give you that old "we don't know how to fix that" lie, call their boss and scream at him for half an hour. It gives them a good excuse to cross-train.
Having lots of spyware on your computer makes you really cool, kind of like James Bond.
When you are writing down ideas for the new software you want IS to write, make sure you leave out lots of important things. In fact, don't worry about giving these "design specifications" any thought at all. If its really important, one of the IS guys will ask.
All IT guys are exacly the same, so if sparks are flying from your pc, feel free to ask the software engineers for help. If they get all snooty and give you that old "we don't know how to fix that" lie, call their boss and scream at him for half an hour. It gives them a good excuse to cross-train.
SparkyJJO
Lifer
Here are some more to add:
Sure, of course that tray that pops out the front of your computer is for your coffee cup. After all, it wouldn't have that recessed ring in the middle otherwise now would it?
Yes, reboot the computer means to kick it really hard.
Yes, that thing called the hard drive is indestructable - why else would it be called "hard"?
Of course, the monitor is the reason why the computer freezes all the time. After all, the picture is what freezes so a new one will fix that.
The last one actually happened to me - this woman blamed the monitor for all the computer trouble! :roll:
Sure, of course that tray that pops out the front of your computer is for your coffee cup. After all, it wouldn't have that recessed ring in the middle otherwise now would it?
Yes, reboot the computer means to kick it really hard.
Yes, that thing called the hard drive is indestructable - why else would it be called "hard"?
Of course, the monitor is the reason why the computer freezes all the time. After all, the picture is what freezes so a new one will fix that.
The last one actually happened to me - this woman blamed the monitor for all the computer trouble! :roll:
RagingBITCH
Lifer
#68: When you want us to fix your PC remotely, please turn it off.
This is an email I just got from a manager in California:
Yea, great one you fvcking genius. :roll:
This is an email I just got from a manager in California:
Yea, great one you fvcking genius. :roll:
#69: When I tell you that to turn off the damn lab when you're done because the morons in mechanical havn't figured out how to turn off the heat in this wing of the building yet and it's always stifling hot when I walk in the following morning, don't do it.
We've had 4 machines bite it from overheating while idling overnight, thanks in part to asshats that don't follow instructions, and in the other part to the asshats at Dell that engineered computers that couldn't cool the damn CPU properly.
We've had 4 machines bite it from overheating while idling overnight, thanks in part to asshats that don't follow instructions, and in the other part to the asshats at Dell that engineered computers that couldn't cool the damn CPU properly.
#69 Disabling VNC is a great way to speed up IT's productivity, because I'm just going to get in my car and drive half-a-mile to your location to map a fvcking printer.
#70 Yes, it is a Mopier not a Copier, and no you cannot load legal paper into the freaking letter tray just because you lost your key to the supply closet. Then, when the Mopier freaks out and starts smoking and having the paper jam from hell, explain how you were on a tight deadline because you were given a project 6 months ago, and just now decided at 5pm on a Friday that it needed to be done.
#71 No, you cannot have an extra phone line, flat panel lcd, or new computer just because you like "new" things. You get my budget increased and then I'll get you whatever the hell you want, but until then you suffer like the rest of us. Especially when you have a completely non-critical job.
#72 If your exchange box is taking up 50% of the space on the server you WILL be capped -- regardless of the fact that you love getting spam and chain-letters from half of the World's population.
#73 I'm not familar with every single piece of DOS, Windows, or Unix software that we use, so if you leave a vague voicemail about how to do a complex task from a piece of software we use twice a year I simply will delete it and laugh.
#74 You cut a monitor cord with a knife and I cut you back with a machete.
#75 I do IT, I'm not an EE or someone who believes in black magic, so just because something has electronics doesn't mean I can do a voodoo dance on it and bring it back to life.
#70 Yes, it is a Mopier not a Copier, and no you cannot load legal paper into the freaking letter tray just because you lost your key to the supply closet. Then, when the Mopier freaks out and starts smoking and having the paper jam from hell, explain how you were on a tight deadline because you were given a project 6 months ago, and just now decided at 5pm on a Friday that it needed to be done.
#71 No, you cannot have an extra phone line, flat panel lcd, or new computer just because you like "new" things. You get my budget increased and then I'll get you whatever the hell you want, but until then you suffer like the rest of us. Especially when you have a completely non-critical job.
#72 If your exchange box is taking up 50% of the space on the server you WILL be capped -- regardless of the fact that you love getting spam and chain-letters from half of the World's population.
#73 I'm not familar with every single piece of DOS, Windows, or Unix software that we use, so if you leave a vague voicemail about how to do a complex task from a piece of software we use twice a year I simply will delete it and laugh.
#74 You cut a monitor cord with a knife and I cut you back with a machete.
#75 I do IT, I'm not an EE or someone who believes in black magic, so just because something has electronics doesn't mean I can do a voodoo dance on it and bring it back to life.
Here's a couple quick ones that I encounter in the school district:
Sure, let your kids play on the computers all you like. Never mind that EVERY SINGLE TIME the kids get unsupervised time on the computer, it ends up being loaded with spyware, viruses, nudie pictures, and is missing the mouse ball. Those things will happen anyway. Complain bitterly when the district finally uses policies to keep the students from having free reign.
No, you DON'T have the right to install software on your own computer. I know, it's a crime. No, I'm sure the district is out to get you, and it has nothing to do with the fact that your personal machine is nigh unto unusable with all the crap you put on it.
Your printer is broken. I see. Hey, I can try. I have absolutely NO training on fixing printers, but I can certainly reinstall the driver for you. That didn't work? You want a new one? Well, unless you want to buy it on YOUR budget, you can have your choice of any 100 lb 20-year-old HP laserjet with chronic jamming problems you like. Nope, I actually DON'T have thousands of brand-new printers just waiting to be pressed into service. This is EDUCATION we're talking about, we don't get a technology budget.
Sure, let your kids play on the computers all you like. Never mind that EVERY SINGLE TIME the kids get unsupervised time on the computer, it ends up being loaded with spyware, viruses, nudie pictures, and is missing the mouse ball. Those things will happen anyway. Complain bitterly when the district finally uses policies to keep the students from having free reign.
No, you DON'T have the right to install software on your own computer. I know, it's a crime. No, I'm sure the district is out to get you, and it has nothing to do with the fact that your personal machine is nigh unto unusable with all the crap you put on it.
Your printer is broken. I see. Hey, I can try. I have absolutely NO training on fixing printers, but I can certainly reinstall the driver for you. That didn't work? You want a new one? Well, unless you want to buy it on YOUR budget, you can have your choice of any 100 lb 20-year-old HP laserjet with chronic jamming problems you like. Nope, I actually DON'T have thousands of brand-new printers just waiting to be pressed into service. This is EDUCATION we're talking about, we don't get a technology budget.
GTaudiophile
Lifer
OT: Any of you IT folks found pr0n on a woman's computer?
GTaudiophile
Lifer
W00t!
On the other hand...a good friend of mine worked for ResNet at GA Tech and found lots of kiddie pr0n on a girl's computer of all places...does that warrant another rule?
#34D5: Please be sure to leave all of your child porn on the computer in "C:\Kiddieporn". We just love to make friends with the folks over at the FBI.
Chadder007
Diamond Member
""Give us a 5 minute notice that a new employee was hired and they need a laptop, even though you knew 2 weeks ago. We always have a $2000 piece of a equipment sitting on the shelf fully installed with software and outlook loaded just for this. ""
I can't tell you how many times that one has happened......
Also add in a freaking LAN DROP!!!...even if we have an old PC, I can't hook it up to the network without anyone having put in an order for a LAN DROP
I can't tell you how many times that one has happened......
Also add in a freaking LAN DROP!!!...even if we have an old PC, I can't hook it up to the network without anyone having put in an order for a LAN DROP
shortylickens
No Lifer
I dont even work in the IT field and I get some of these. I'm just a geek with a big mouth.
I do remember our legal guy saying it was wrong to keep kiddie p0rn on our work computers and we should do that sort of thing at home.
I think it was about 1 week later when he realized what he said.
I do remember our legal guy saying it was wrong to keep kiddie p0rn on our work computers and we should do that sort of thing at home.
I think it was about 1 week later when he realized what he said.
RagingBITCH
Lifer
My company is cheap. Plus, we don't have the time to setup WOL's in everything. In our 7 remote offices, we have the usual dumb asses (like the one listed above) who shouldn't be touching a PC, so we'll just leave a message for someone to turn it on. 🙂 But it is a neat option though.
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