I personally like to take every opportunity I have to tell my boyfriend what I think of him; I never make it up or force it but if I'm thinking something good about him, why not share so he knows how much I appreciate him? However, I've seen some of the guys here say that they don't like to compliment their girlfriends too much because they might then start to expect it. What's wrong with them expecting it?
HC, I think here you must go back to fundamental findings from operant conditioning theory and apply them to cognitive and social dynamics to understand why or why not sharing feelings and ideas benefits/harms a relationship.
The idea in operant conditioning is that a stream of positive feedback will encourage further behavior and is the most sustainable over time. In a relationship, this is not exactly optimal for a few reasons. First, both parties should not be dependent on each other for any psychological needs. In other words (and also from a Christian perspective), they should build on foundation of love (with Jesus as head), and serve each other, using the emotion of love to help them approach true love. A reinforcement schedule can lead to dependency if the person has no intrinsic sense of meaning. Second, in a typical relationship, especially among members of this forum, maturity issues and lack of a cohesive worldview prevent one or both parties from understanding how a relationship operates and the psychosocial issues involved. Hence, all the "I don't get wimmin" threads. Using a schedule of positive reinforcement with attachement/security issues coupled with ineffective coping strategies and a lacking worldview/social support structure can lead to disaster.
So I suppose that's what's wrong with expectation. From an ethical standpoint, it creates a duty in the relationship. From a psychoanalytic perspecitve, the lack of intrinsic valuation and reliance on external means to affect change with one's own cognitive and regulatory faculties creates insecurity eventually leading to unhealthy means used to selfishly acquire a continuation of worth. This is similar to the sex idea I talked about in an earlier thread. The people need to affirm meaning and find it in another person, and not in themselves, or as it should be in a relationship, both in self, other, and relationship. The only difference between this and rechless hedonism is the degree involved. This has more checks built in but fundamentally, it's still the same. That's why I never understand people who self-righteously claim that "all the sinners will die" and that they have the only path to salvation.
If your goal is to be honest and build them up by being honest with them about how you feel about them, why regulate the positive things you tell them? I would think that it would be better for your S.O. to hear things like that often enough to expect them than for you to think them and never say them for that reason. The positive affirmation then wouldn't be expected but wouldn't really occur either, which could take away something that would build up the relationship. Responses?
I think the major problem in this reasoning is that it assumes two healthy contributing members in a relationship. If this is the case, then anything goes because both parties are so committed to a final outcome and have, and recognize a DUTY created by virtue of their relationship. Many people just seek the other party as a "fvck buddy" as opposed to a serious commitment requiring true labor of love. Where am I here... Ah yes. In your case, the communication is a feedback stream but it has little effects on the overall structure and regulative functions within the relationship dynamics. Since it is so, it really makes little difference. In many other relationships, you must realize that most people are still severely affected by external reality.
In short, appreciate how good you have it. In your case, the communication is a good thing. In many other cases, I tend to side with Nietzsche and say "they don't deserve to be involved" although my view is not quite so jaded and pessimistic.
Cheers !
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