Middle East
5/31/02
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if history is any indication, a lasting solution to the current conflict in the Middle East has a snowball's chance in Hebron.
When I think of all the wars that have been fought over possession of the very cradle of the world's three major religions, I can't help but wonder if maybe God is slowly turning agnostic. You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
Hey, I've got no clue what's going on in the Middle East. All I know is, you have two Abrahamic religious groups enmeshed in a conflict whose modern incarnation dates to the 1917 Balfour declaration, with territory disputes that remain unresolved despite the Wye River Accords and U.N. Resolutions 242 and 338... but I probably just sound like an ignorant American there.
For 80 years, Palestinians and Israelis have been killing each other over the same arid strip of hardpan. That's four generations of Arabs and Israelis who have grown up in a perpetual state of war. No wonder it's impossible for either side to fathom the concept of peace. In the Middle East, "Peace" is what you rest in.
Palestine, though generally barren, was desirable to the Jewish people because it is the birthplace of the three main monotheistic religions: Islam, Judasism, and Cubs Fans-- no, Christianity. Now, if God gives you a slice of land on a piece of desert and calls it the Promised Land, you gotta ask yourself: Promise Land? Hasn't God ever been to Cabo?
Look, you have to admit that Israel is in more of a no-win situation than a Ballpark Frank entering the Westminster Dog Show. They're a democracy trying to abide by Western norms in a region that does not play by those rules. I guarantee you, you plunk Switzerland down somewhere between Syria and Iraq, and they're going to be thinking about how to kill somebody with a Toblerone.
And to the suicide bombers: how are you helping to improve the lives of your people when you so patently disregard your own life? And really, isn't this 72 virgins thing just a little overrated? I mean, after three or four, doesn't the thrill kind of wear off? And by Virgin 23, you're going to be begging for a pro, someone who knows when and when not to use their teeth.
I guess my main objection to suicide bombing is how commercial its all gotten. Back during the old intifada of '88, a guy strapped some explosives to his chest, walked into a building and blew himself up. Now he's got to make a video, pose for eight-by-tens. Maybe I'm old school, but whatever happened to the suicide bomber who just did it for the love of the hate?
It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. The second you resort to suicide bombings, you automatically become more wrong than Mike Tyson showing up for the premiere of "Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
You know, I don't understand Yasser Arafat's game. Ehud Barak offered him arguably the best deal of any Israeli leader in recent history, and Arafat pissed all over it like he was Ozzy Osbourne taking a whiz on his loud neighbors barbeque.
On the other side of the sandbags, you have Ariel Sharon. Now, Ariel Sharon has never been a guy who knows verses 3 through 5 of "Kumbaya." But this recent intifada has hardened him like a dead guy on Viagra. At this point, Sharon believes the only time Arabs and Jews will share the land is when they're under it.
The sad truth is, everyone in this thing just needs one good hard slap-upside-the-head of common sense. Hey Sharon, stop building settlements and pretending the Palestinians are going to go away. Hey Yasser, stop buying explosives with European money and wearing a map of Israel on your headscarf. Hey Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, stop talking peace but refusing to meet with the Israelis. Hey Chester the Cheetah, stop packing your bags of Cheetos with 97% air and half a coke-spoon of orange powder and laying that "Contents of package may settle" bullsh|t on me.
What is my answer to the age-old problem in the Middle East? Simple! Give the Palestinians CASINOS! It worked here in the U.S. for our Native Americans. Look, all religion has done is to jump-start a grudge war over it's individual beliefs and at least in casinos everyone can get along, have a few drinks, play a little Black Jack and forget their problems. You don't even have to build a lot of new buildings because they already have a thousand-year-old Holy Land theme going on over there. "C'mon, seven. Baby Jesus needs a new pair of shoes!"
Look, trying to separate the Middle East equitably is like trying to cut a water balloon in half with the back of a comb. And I know I'm not the guy who should be telling people to end their decades old grudges-but if I can forgive that m0therfucker Sinbad for beating me on Star Search, than Israel and Palestine can certainly get their sh|t together.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
5/31/02
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if history is any indication, a lasting solution to the current conflict in the Middle East has a snowball's chance in Hebron.
When I think of all the wars that have been fought over possession of the very cradle of the world's three major religions, I can't help but wonder if maybe God is slowly turning agnostic. You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.
Hey, I've got no clue what's going on in the Middle East. All I know is, you have two Abrahamic religious groups enmeshed in a conflict whose modern incarnation dates to the 1917 Balfour declaration, with territory disputes that remain unresolved despite the Wye River Accords and U.N. Resolutions 242 and 338... but I probably just sound like an ignorant American there.
For 80 years, Palestinians and Israelis have been killing each other over the same arid strip of hardpan. That's four generations of Arabs and Israelis who have grown up in a perpetual state of war. No wonder it's impossible for either side to fathom the concept of peace. In the Middle East, "Peace" is what you rest in.
Palestine, though generally barren, was desirable to the Jewish people because it is the birthplace of the three main monotheistic religions: Islam, Judasism, and Cubs Fans-- no, Christianity. Now, if God gives you a slice of land on a piece of desert and calls it the Promised Land, you gotta ask yourself: Promise Land? Hasn't God ever been to Cabo?
Look, you have to admit that Israel is in more of a no-win situation than a Ballpark Frank entering the Westminster Dog Show. They're a democracy trying to abide by Western norms in a region that does not play by those rules. I guarantee you, you plunk Switzerland down somewhere between Syria and Iraq, and they're going to be thinking about how to kill somebody with a Toblerone.
And to the suicide bombers: how are you helping to improve the lives of your people when you so patently disregard your own life? And really, isn't this 72 virgins thing just a little overrated? I mean, after three or four, doesn't the thrill kind of wear off? And by Virgin 23, you're going to be begging for a pro, someone who knows when and when not to use their teeth.
I guess my main objection to suicide bombing is how commercial its all gotten. Back during the old intifada of '88, a guy strapped some explosives to his chest, walked into a building and blew himself up. Now he's got to make a video, pose for eight-by-tens. Maybe I'm old school, but whatever happened to the suicide bomber who just did it for the love of the hate?
It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. The second you resort to suicide bombings, you automatically become more wrong than Mike Tyson showing up for the premiere of "Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
You know, I don't understand Yasser Arafat's game. Ehud Barak offered him arguably the best deal of any Israeli leader in recent history, and Arafat pissed all over it like he was Ozzy Osbourne taking a whiz on his loud neighbors barbeque.
On the other side of the sandbags, you have Ariel Sharon. Now, Ariel Sharon has never been a guy who knows verses 3 through 5 of "Kumbaya." But this recent intifada has hardened him like a dead guy on Viagra. At this point, Sharon believes the only time Arabs and Jews will share the land is when they're under it.
The sad truth is, everyone in this thing just needs one good hard slap-upside-the-head of common sense. Hey Sharon, stop building settlements and pretending the Palestinians are going to go away. Hey Yasser, stop buying explosives with European money and wearing a map of Israel on your headscarf. Hey Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, stop talking peace but refusing to meet with the Israelis. Hey Chester the Cheetah, stop packing your bags of Cheetos with 97% air and half a coke-spoon of orange powder and laying that "Contents of package may settle" bullsh|t on me.
What is my answer to the age-old problem in the Middle East? Simple! Give the Palestinians CASINOS! It worked here in the U.S. for our Native Americans. Look, all religion has done is to jump-start a grudge war over it's individual beliefs and at least in casinos everyone can get along, have a few drinks, play a little Black Jack and forget their problems. You don't even have to build a lot of new buildings because they already have a thousand-year-old Holy Land theme going on over there. "C'mon, seven. Baby Jesus needs a new pair of shoes!"
Look, trying to separate the Middle East equitably is like trying to cut a water balloon in half with the back of a comb. And I know I'm not the guy who should be telling people to end their decades old grudges-but if I can forgive that m0therfucker Sinbad for beating me on Star Search, than Israel and Palestine can certainly get their sh|t together.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
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