Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the recent changes in airline security are so cosmetic I'm surprised they aren't being supervised by Kevin Au-kwan. How does it stop a terrorist from taking over the flight by making me cut my rubbery chicken with a plastic knife so dull the utensil starts to smoke before it goes through the meat?
It seems like every week you read about another airport that had to be evacuated because some clueless Pillar of Dim forgot he had his 20-piece commemorative Civil War surgeon's kit in his carry-on bag.
Ultimately who's to blame for all the security problems that led up to September 11? We could point the finger at the airlines, but it isn't really fair. They've got enough to worry about, delaying our flights, making sure the planes have barely enough Sprite so I can't get a full can, and editing the next middling issue of their inflight magazine to make sure their puff piece on Alicia Keys doesn't actually cross the line into the informative.
Before September 11th, the average airport security checkpoint had holes that Joey Chitwood could barrel-roll a flaming Camaro through. The name on your boarding pass could've been "Mr. Hey Ivgottabomb," but as long as you put your ankle-holstered Derringer and 10-inch Bowie knife into that plastic bucket with approximately the same muted, rhythmic din as others did car keys and coins, the only thing likely to raise the screener's eyebrow would be your Superman logo bikini briefs slowly parading across the X-Ray monitor.
Prior to September 11th, the two firms providing security to most of the airports in America were named "Argenbright" and "Wackenhut." In retrospect, it probably wasn't such a good idea putting our lives in the hands of what sounds like a couple of Scandinavian lube jellies.
Some congressmen didn't want to federalize airport security screeners because they said private enterprise could handle it more efficiently. Yeah, right. That's why, when somebody starting mailing anthrax to the Capital dome, the first thing you guys did was tell the FBI, "No, don't bother with your well-trained high-tech expertise, we low-bid-contracted the job out to a couple of minimum wage slugs who are killing time until a second-assistant fry-cook position opens up at Wendy's."
You really want airline safety? Make the airport screeners fly on a plane once a week. And if you think the rent-a-guards manning the scanners at your airport appear unfocused or distracted, you've never been to LAX. I've seen security personnel turn down the volume on the metal detectors so they can debate whether or not Yasmine Bleeth is hotter in person.
But there are also instances where these security people should lighten up a little bit. Not every errant piece of metal has the potential to kill. You ever try taking a guy out with a nail clipper or a tweezers? Believe me, it takes hours.
And we have to do our part, too. Don't grunt when they ask you questions - be cheerful and forthright. Don't bitch when they ask you to open your bags - help them do it. And don't just sullenly comply with a strip search - grind it a little, you sexy thang.
Everybody quit whining. To those of you who find a pat down and a thorough investigation of your carry on luggage an invasive violation of your civil liberties... You don't like someone poking around your precious duffel bag? Try having strangers attempt to identify you by the mole on the left side of your nutsack dangling from a corn stalk in some field in Nebraska and then tell me where's the greater loss of privacy.
Why can't I be safe when I fly? I want cockpit doors that take more than a mail box key to get into. I want profiling. I want the passenger seating graded by suspicion. I want parachutes to come with the in-flight magazines. I want the National Guard to fire off a few rounds every now and then to keep the people standing in line on their toes. I want screeners with at least one more career option. I want pilots equipped with stun guns, and catheters so they never have to leave their seats. And I want flight attendants who can kick ass like that chick on "Alias".
Actually, I do have some ideas for improving Airline Security. As for luggage, none of any kind. No checked bags, no carry on bags, no purses, wallets, cardboard boxes or paper sacks. The plane? No seats, no overhead bins, no closets, no cupboards, no lavatories. The passengers? No clothes, everybody buck-naked. And no hair, none, no beards, no pits, no pubes, everybody's slick as a redneck's tires. No open bodily orifices, all nostrils, ears, assholes, vaginas and urethras are spackled shut with a non-toxic, hard-setting polymer. But obviously, that would just be in coach.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
It seems like every week you read about another airport that had to be evacuated because some clueless Pillar of Dim forgot he had his 20-piece commemorative Civil War surgeon's kit in his carry-on bag.
Ultimately who's to blame for all the security problems that led up to September 11? We could point the finger at the airlines, but it isn't really fair. They've got enough to worry about, delaying our flights, making sure the planes have barely enough Sprite so I can't get a full can, and editing the next middling issue of their inflight magazine to make sure their puff piece on Alicia Keys doesn't actually cross the line into the informative.
Before September 11th, the average airport security checkpoint had holes that Joey Chitwood could barrel-roll a flaming Camaro through. The name on your boarding pass could've been "Mr. Hey Ivgottabomb," but as long as you put your ankle-holstered Derringer and 10-inch Bowie knife into that plastic bucket with approximately the same muted, rhythmic din as others did car keys and coins, the only thing likely to raise the screener's eyebrow would be your Superman logo bikini briefs slowly parading across the X-Ray monitor.
Prior to September 11th, the two firms providing security to most of the airports in America were named "Argenbright" and "Wackenhut." In retrospect, it probably wasn't such a good idea putting our lives in the hands of what sounds like a couple of Scandinavian lube jellies.
Some congressmen didn't want to federalize airport security screeners because they said private enterprise could handle it more efficiently. Yeah, right. That's why, when somebody starting mailing anthrax to the Capital dome, the first thing you guys did was tell the FBI, "No, don't bother with your well-trained high-tech expertise, we low-bid-contracted the job out to a couple of minimum wage slugs who are killing time until a second-assistant fry-cook position opens up at Wendy's."
You really want airline safety? Make the airport screeners fly on a plane once a week. And if you think the rent-a-guards manning the scanners at your airport appear unfocused or distracted, you've never been to LAX. I've seen security personnel turn down the volume on the metal detectors so they can debate whether or not Yasmine Bleeth is hotter in person.
But there are also instances where these security people should lighten up a little bit. Not every errant piece of metal has the potential to kill. You ever try taking a guy out with a nail clipper or a tweezers? Believe me, it takes hours.
And we have to do our part, too. Don't grunt when they ask you questions - be cheerful and forthright. Don't bitch when they ask you to open your bags - help them do it. And don't just sullenly comply with a strip search - grind it a little, you sexy thang.
Everybody quit whining. To those of you who find a pat down and a thorough investigation of your carry on luggage an invasive violation of your civil liberties... You don't like someone poking around your precious duffel bag? Try having strangers attempt to identify you by the mole on the left side of your nutsack dangling from a corn stalk in some field in Nebraska and then tell me where's the greater loss of privacy.
Why can't I be safe when I fly? I want cockpit doors that take more than a mail box key to get into. I want profiling. I want the passenger seating graded by suspicion. I want parachutes to come with the in-flight magazines. I want the National Guard to fire off a few rounds every now and then to keep the people standing in line on their toes. I want screeners with at least one more career option. I want pilots equipped with stun guns, and catheters so they never have to leave their seats. And I want flight attendants who can kick ass like that chick on "Alias".
Actually, I do have some ideas for improving Airline Security. As for luggage, none of any kind. No checked bags, no carry on bags, no purses, wallets, cardboard boxes or paper sacks. The plane? No seats, no overhead bins, no closets, no cupboards, no lavatories. The passengers? No clothes, everybody buck-naked. And no hair, none, no beards, no pits, no pubes, everybody's slick as a redneck's tires. No open bodily orifices, all nostrils, ears, assholes, vaginas and urethras are spackled shut with a non-toxic, hard-setting polymer. But obviously, that would just be in coach.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
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