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Deep thoughts...

G

Grasshopper27

Banned
Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbathe there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here." She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."
 
Originally posted by: SherEPunjab
wow another one.

-Talkative Grasshopper

🙂
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*shrug*

That's what I'm here for, to keep you guys out of trouble. 😉


Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says,

"Sir, did you call for me?" Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

"Listen lady, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month---but I fart 15 times a day!"
 
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play. A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
 
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
 
Originally posted by: redly1
very nice
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Thanks! 🙂

Look on the bright side, I'm not making a new thread for all of them. 😉


Husband comes home from work. Wife says the TV has lost its color. How about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no TV technician, and gets a beer. Next day the wife says my car is skipping, how about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no Mr. Good wrench, and got himself a beer. Things got a little frosty and the husband decided to check out the faulty TV and car. He could find nothing wrong. When asked, the wife said she had found a man who fixed both of them. "How much did it cost?" the husband said, "Oh I told him that I had no money but he said we could work it out. I could bake him a cake or we could have sex or something." "What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband said. "Hey,", the wife said, I'm no Betty Crocker!"
 
Originally posted by: Grasshopper27
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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lol
 
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed at this sequence.

During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So, when they are done, she jumps up, runs to the window, takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed.....and....finds four other Chinese men! --
 
This is why Thumper wears the pants in our family:


A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big bully bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
 
Lady goes to see a Marriage Therapist about not having any active sex life in her marriage. Therapist says.."We have come up with this new drug in a cap. Here is 30 or them. Put one a night in your husbands drink. Should do wonders for your sex life." Tells her to come back in 30 days with the results.

Thirty days she is back. "So tell me" says the Therapist. "What happened?" "Well" says the lady. "I did as you said and put one in his drink as you had said." "Nothing happened. So for the next seven nights I put one in his drink every night and still nothing happened. "So I opened the remaining 22 caps and put them in his drink." "You didn't" said the Therapist. "Yes I did" said the Lady. "What in heavens name happened?" exclaimed the Therapist.

"Well, about 10 minutes after the drink, he jumped up and yelled "WOW, I feel good." He takes the table cloth and whips it off the table ...food, plates, wine all on the floor." He grabbed me and put me on the table and made passionate love to me." It was the best sex we have ever had."

"Why that is wonderful" exclaimed the Therapist. "I am so happy for you." "But I am sorry about the mess and broken dishes of food on the floor." "Oh that's OK" said the lady. "I don't think we will ever go to that restaurant again."
 
Man, I was hoping it was "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy😉

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
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These are just some shamelessly ripped from Here
 
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
 
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