Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us while we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie &
some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a
Kit Kat, all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acne-up face, bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they
so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
> Thank you, from your biggest fan.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us while we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie &
some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a
Kit Kat, all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acne-up face, bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they
so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
> Thank you, from your biggest fan.
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