not posted before i think.. but here they go
"The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in."
"The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it."
"I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C."
"I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think."
"Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth."
"You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling lovely human or being one?"
"If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book."
"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving and I call those people 'the cops,' But you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school."
"It's because of men like you that women like that ****** guys like me."
"You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"
"Ya see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine, '69. Ya see a guy with one arm, he's got a story too. Snowblower, bottle of whiskey. Ya see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
"I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something."
"You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike."
"I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the ****** out, that's what."
"You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?"
"Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family."
"Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man."
"Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet? I dunno!"
"You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, '****** it - just grab a pile of ******. We'll get a bag at the airport'."
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you ****** a pirate."
"Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you."
"Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick."
"If I was going to give you something you really need, it would be mustache wax and a t-shirt that says One Cock At A Time."
"I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is really hot, you should be able to ****** one time."
"The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in."
"The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it."
"I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C."
"I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think."
"Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth."
"You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling lovely human or being one?"
"If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book."
"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving and I call those people 'the cops,' But you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school."
"It's because of men like you that women like that ****** guys like me."
"You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"
"Ya see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine, '69. Ya see a guy with one arm, he's got a story too. Snowblower, bottle of whiskey. Ya see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
"I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something."
"You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike."
"I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the ****** out, that's what."
"You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?"
"Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family."
"Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man."
"Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet? I dunno!"
"You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, '****** it - just grab a pile of ******. We'll get a bag at the airport'."
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you ****** a pirate."
"Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you."
"Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick."
"If I was going to give you something you really need, it would be mustache wax and a t-shirt that says One Cock At A Time."
"I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is really hot, you should be able to ****** one time."
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