Damn, I'm Sad.

Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
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Damn. I was poised to enjoy some more well roasted "you probably know who". (Btw, for anyone who wants a good giggle and knows how well I can write, pm a request and I'll send you some outtakes).

Then, Jackson Brown came on the digital tune dispenser, singing <U>Before The Deluge </U>, from <U>Late For the Sky</U>, one of the prettiest, most elegaic albums ever:

Now let the music keep our spirits high
And let the buildings keep our children dry
Let creation reveal its secrets by and by
By and by --
When the light that's lost within us reaches the sky.

That "light", you know, is a detonated Hydrogen Bomb's mushroom cloud relentlessly rising over what's about to be left. It about brought me to tears, choked me the fusck up. You see, last year I sang For A Dancer from the same album at my wife Jessie's memorial service. She was 43. I'd always thought I'd sing that song at my Dad's funeral, I'd always planned to, because these words below sum up death about as well as any I've encountered:

I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can't sing
But I can't help listening
And I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round
Crying as they ease you down
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away.

But my Dad's still choogling down in Florida at 89. Just got himself a sty-lee Lexus SUV, lol! And my Jessie's corporeal presence is reduced to an urn of ashes I've yet to scatter or bury. But I feel her hard and deep around me here in our beautiful house (which she found) -- all high ceilings, skylights and arches and two secluded acres with a stream out back, and woods beyond. I'd gladly trade it all, and everything else I have, for just one more day on this Earth with Jessie. She was the love of my life, my soul mate simple and true, and a better person than I, this I freely admit.

So when that Jackson Brown song came on and it took me aback, I decided that this was Jessie gently telling me to take the high road with that certain red faced blowhard here. And, this, I will do. She knew too much to argue or to judge.

Our wedding anniversary was in the middle of last month. Her birthday is coming up May 31st. I am deeply grateful for the wide circle of caring friends who have been solidly by my side as I try to get through this. The older you get, the more you realize that true blue friends are your deepest, most enduring richness in life.

I'm a published poet of long standing, going back to 1975 in Venice, CA. I've won a number of awards and contests (all minor). I've been trying to write about Jessie -- it could take the rest of my life to get it right -- so this is ALL I have so far ;

Words, words . .
Words like bullets,
Words like rain,

Come down to fill
My empty heart,
Come down to ease my pain.

I want to paint your portrait Jessie,
But lack the stroke and hue.
So I'll just use these words I've gathered,
And sing this song of you.

You were wiser
Than the next ten
Self annointed ascended masters
And their hundred dollar seminars
All in a row.

You were sweeter
Than the next ten
Nationally promoted fruit and yogurt experiences,
This is know
To be so . . .

You see?

I can't yet get
This bitter taste of
Loss
Off my tongue.

So my words, scant rain
Lie here hurting
Like useless puddles
On this page,

All stone without mortar
Destined to crumble and fall.
No healing benediction,
No soaring monument,

Just a coughing, grudging,
Hesitant,
Beginning of a beginning,
If at all.

This was written just last month, in the depths of our drought, hence the latter imagery. And, yes, I KNOW that THIS poem is far more about my bitterness and "process" than it is about Jessie her own sweet self.

I will do better, Jessie, this I promise, and you know more than most, I ALWAYS keep my promises.

 

datalink7

Lifer
Jan 23, 2001
16,765
6
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Jackson Browne is one of my favorite artists. That is a great song. But my favorite by him is probably "The Pretender." I really can connect that song with my life.