Critique This..

[jlbenedict]

This is just something I came up with in a short amount of time.. just looking for a few opinions on my intro to this 900-1200 word essay I have to write..

Are I.T. Certifications Worth It?

You?ve pondered upon the magazine advertisements from the U.S. Department of Labor forecasting a 15% demand for certified P.C. technicians by the year 2010. You?ve heard the pillow talk around the workplace that Joe Snuffy just got his MCSE; so now he should be the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? With this high labor demand and certification craze, I?m sure you?ve bought into the hype. The argument I present to you is, are I.T. certifications worth it?

 

[DaiShan]

Ok, first problem: Pillow talk is defined as "Intimate conversation between lovers, typically taking place in bed" So you don't want to use that term. Second your last sentence says that you present an argument, but you present a question. There is a difference. In a persuasive essay, you are tasked with bringing the reader around to your view, and you can't do this by asking questions. You do this by making contentions and backing up these statements with facts.

/edit your first sentence is very awkwardly worded. A lot of young writers seem to think using flowery terms, or being overly verbose will make them come across as more intelligent, whereas most professors will teach you that simplicity and brevity should guide your paper. In rhetorical writing, you want to make an argument, so your argument should be the most important part of your paper, not the words.

 

[robothouse77]

Originally posted by: jlbenedict
This is just something I came up with in a short amount of time.. just looking for a few opinions on my intro to this 900-1200 word essay I have to write..

Are I.T. Certifications Worth It?

You?ve pondered upon the magazine advertisements from the U.S. Department of Labor forecasting a 15% demand for certified P.C. technicians by the year 2010. You?ve heard the pillow talk around the workplace that Joe Snuffy just got his MCSE; so now he should be the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? With this high labor demand and certification craze, I?m sure you?ve bought into the hype. The argument I present to you is, are I.T. certifications worth it?

EDIT: maybe something like 'Despite the hype and optimism surrounding IT certifications, in the long run, are they worth their noteriety?'

(just an ex, i know there's spelling and grammitical errors. just sounds better than, 'the argument is, are they worth it?")
i don't really like your thesis statement...i can't recommend a different one, but inmo, it stinks. sorry, probably not the constructive criticism you're looking for.

 

[Drakkon]

if its not for an IT related class dont try and be presuasive about IT stuff...english profs have no clue and they wont get why/what your arguing for/against and you'll just dig yourself into a hole on this one

 

[jlbenedict]

:thumbsup:

Big help

*edit*
as you can tell, I'm not an English major

 

[cougar78]

Sorry but too much slang and you shouldn't introduce terms that the audience may not understand. You are going on the assumption that only IT people will read this, your teacher/professor may not know anything about what MCSE means nor will part of your audience. Not to mention, you are going on the assumption that your readers have read the advertisements on which you are basing part of your argument on.

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"(edit out[You?ve pondered upon the magazine advertisements from]) The U.S. Department of Labor is forecasting a 15% demand for certified P.C. technicians by the year 2010.
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This is the only thing I see salvagable in that paragraph.

 

[DaiShan]

Originally posted by: Drakkon
if its not for an IT related class dont try and be presuasive about IT stuff...english profs have no clue and they wont get why/what your arguing for/against and you'll just dig yourself into a hole on this one

This is completely false. IMO, this is a great topic to choose precisely because the teacher may not have a working knowledge of the subject matter. His job in the paper is to educate the teacher about the subject then bring the teacher around to his way of thinking. For example, freshman year I had to take a Technical Writing class. The focus of this class is writing reports and proposals for certain types of business. The professor is tenured in the English department and is by no means an expert on building construction, programming, or calculus, but she read the papers and graded on the style, not the correctness of their technical assertions. Also robothouse77: Your thesis statement for a persuasive paper can NOT be a question. It has to be your argument. The rest of the paper is just supporting this argument.

 

[cougar78]

Originally posted by: Drakkon
if its not for an IT related class dont try and be presuasive about IT stuff...english profs have no clue and they wont get why/what your arguing for/against and you'll just dig yourself into a hole on this one

I don't agree with that, however, in the current approach I could understand your opinion.
The OP needs to scale this back to a more basic level and argue the points for and against the worth of certifications. For instance, some places won't hire without, while others will take experience over a degree or cert. My job, I gain a merit raise for completing certifications, so I am motivated to do so. Bottom line, follow the K.eep I.t S.imple S.tupid method while writing this to appeal to a broader audience and keep out the slang adjectives when describing things.

 

[jlbenedict]

My essay is for English Comp, but my degree is IT related..

 

[jlbenedict]

Originally posted by: cougar78

Originally posted by: Drakkon
if its not for an IT related class dont try and be presuasive about IT stuff...english profs have no clue and they wont get why/what your arguing for/against and you'll just dig yourself into a hole on this one

I don't agree with that, however, in the current approach I could understand your opinion.
The OP needs to scale this back to a more basic level and argue the points for and against the worth of certifications. For instance, some places won't hire without, while others will take experience over a degree or cert. My job, I gain a merit raise for completing certifications, so I am motivated to do so. Bottom line, follow the K.eep I.t S.imple S.tupid method while writing this to appeal to a broader audience and keep out the slang adjectives when describing things.

That is the track I'm leaning toward my essay.
I did overlook the usage of flowery words and should have known better from resume writing.

 

[notfred]

You?ve pondered upon the magazine advertisements from the U.S. Department of Labor

No I haven't. What magazines? You'd better be damn sure that your audience has seen these ads if you're going to open your essay with this line.

forecasting a 15% demand for certified P.C. technicians by the year 2010.

15% of what? 15% increase? decrease? 15% of the current amount?

Also, you mean "PC" technicians. There are no periods in PC.

You?ve heard the pillow talk around the workplace that Joe Snuffy just got his MCSE;

Like someone else said, "pillow talk" is the wrong term to use. Also, only IT people (note that IT doesn't have periods) even know what an MCSE is. Your English teacher doesn't, and that's who you're writing for. Make sure you know your audience.

so now he should be the greatest thing since sliced bread, right?

Says who? Is this the argument you're presenting?

With this high labor demand and certification craze, I?m sure you?ve bought into the hype.

Why the heck would you automatically assume that? Personally I think most IT certs are worthless. You look like an idiot when you make stupid assumptions that are wrong.

The argument I present to you is, are I.T. certifications worth it?

That is NOT an argument. an argument is "IT certifications are worth it" or "IT certifications are not worth it". You didn't present an argument at all.

 

[robothouse77]

Originally posted by: notfred

You?ve pondered upon the magazine advertisements from the U.S. Department of Labor

No I haven't. What magazines? You'd better be damn sure that your audience has seen these ads if you're going to open your essay with this line.

forecasting a 15% demand for certified P.C. technicians by the year 2010.

15% of what? 15% increase? decrease? 15% of the current amount?

Also, you mean "PC" technicians. There are no periods in PC.

You?ve heard the pillow talk around the workplace that Joe Snuffy just got his MCSE;

Like someone else said, "pillow talk" is the wrong term to use. Also, only IT people (note that IT doesn't have periods) even know what an MCSE is. Your English teacher doesn't, and that's who you're writing for. Make sure you know your audience.

so now he should be the greatest thing since sliced bread, right?

Says who? Is this the argument you're presenting?

With this high labor demand and certification craze, I?m sure you?ve bought into the hype.

Why the heck would you automatically assume that? Personally I think most IT certs are worthless. You look like an idiot when you make stupid assumptions that are wrong.

The argument I present to you is, are I.T. certifications worth it?

That is NOT an argument. an argument is "IT certifications are worth it" or "IT certifications are not worth it". You didn't present an argument at all.

very good.

*golf clap*

 

[gigapet]

pillow talk? wtf. talk around the water cooler is the phrase you want here.

 

[jlbenedict]

Originally posted by: gigapet
pillow talk? wtf. talk around the water cooler is the phrase you want here.

haha