Critique this bio of myself for work.

[LostHiWay]

I just accepted a new job at my company...I need to have a bio for the org chart. Can you guys critique what I have and let me know. I'm not very good at these. Thanks!!

**Some names have been changed

I've been with CompanyABC and the HelpDesk since August of 2004. I orginally worked 2nd shift under person x for about 5 months, I then moved to days under person z. Since then there's been a ton of changes, both for myself and the Helpdesk. In June of 2005, just 9 months after starting I was promoted to a Senior Level Associate. I've also been in a variety of different projects. I assisted with the cross-training when Helpdesk began supporting retail branches. I'm also on the HelpDesk XYZ team. Just recently I've accepted the position of Team Lead in Atlanta. I look forward to the many changes ahead and am glad I can be part of them.

 

[pontifex]

Originally posted by: LostHiWay
I just accepted a new job at my company...I need to have a bio for the org chart. Can you guys critique what I have and let me know. I'm not very good at these. Thanks!!

**Some names have been changed

I've been with CompanyABC and the HelpDesk since August of 2004. I orginally worked 2nd shift under person x for about 5 months, I then moved to days under person z. Since then there's been a ton of changes, both for myself and the Helpdesk. In June of 2005, just 9 months after starting I was promoted to a Senior Level Associate. I've also been in a variety of different projects. I assisted with the cross-training when Helpdesk began supporting retail branches. I'm also on the HelpDesk XYZ team. Just recently I've accepted the position of Team Lead in Atlanta. I look forward to the many changes ahead and am glad I can be part of them.

i would say that most of the bolded text is irrelevant.

 

[dealmaster00]

Originally posted by: LostHiWay
I just accepted a new job at my company...I need to have a bio for the org chart. Can you guys critique what I have and let me know. I'm not very good at these. Thanks!!

Some thoughts:

-If this is supposed to sound professional, I wouldn't use any contractions. I was taught that those are left out of professional papers.
-It's good to not start each sentence with the same word (I), although in an autobio it happens a lot.

Here are some of my changes. Take them or leave them. And other people, feel free to edit what I wrote.

I have worked for CompanyABC and their Helpdesk since August of 2004. I began working 2nd shift under person x for about 5 months. After that, I moved to days under person z. (<-----I don't get this sentence) There have been many changes since this time period, both for myself and the Helpdesk. (<----- irrelevant?) In June of 2005, just 9 months after starting, I was promoted to a Senior Level Associate. In addition, I have participated in a number of different projects. When Helpdesk began supporting retail branches, I assisted with their cross-training. (You say you have participated in a number of projects but just list one? Maybe say another important project you've worked on?) I am also on the Helpdesk XYZ team. Just recently, I have accepted the position of Team Lead in Atlanta. I look forward to the many changes ahead and I am that glad I can be a part of them. (thx Pontifex )

I'm thinking that you may want to merge sentences 2 and 3 together and possibly leave out sentence 4.

 

[pontifex]

Originally posted by: dealmaster00

Originally posted by: LostHiWay
I just accepted a new job at my company...I need to have a bio for the org chart. Can you guys critique what I have and let me know. I'm not very good at these. Thanks!!

Some thoughts:

-If this is supposed to sound professional, I wouldn't use any contractions. I was taught that those are left out of professional papers.
-It's good to not start each sentence with the same word (I), although in an autobio it happens a lot.

Here are some of my changes. Take them or leave them. And other people, feel free to edit what I wrote.

I have worked for CompanyABC and their Helpdesk since August of 2004. I began working 2nd shift under person x for about 5 months. After that, I moved to first shift under person z. (<-----I don't get this sentence) There have been many changes since this time period, both for myself and the Helpdesk. In June of 2005, just 9 months after starting, I was promoted to a Senior Level Associate. In addition, I have participated in a number of different projects. When Helpdesk began supporting retail branches, I assisted with their cross-training. (You say you have participated in a number of projects but just list one? Maybe say another important project you've worked on?) I am also on the Helpdesk XYZ team. Just recently, I have accepted the position of Team Lead in Atlanta. I look forward to the many changes ahead and I am glad that I can be a part of them. (I think this sentence doesn't sound right...but I don't know how to change it)

he worked evening shift then moved to day shift