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Critique my poem please

N

neonerd

Diamond Member
It's for english class; here's what i have so far:

Sometimes funny, sometimes not
They post away, and nef a lot.
It?s like a pub, filled with geeks
And unlike people think, not all are freaks

Though some are mean
and some just angry
...
 
It's cute.

First stanza, nice 1-1, 2-2 rhyming scheme. Are you going to use a different rhyming scheme for the second stanza?
 
Originally posted by: RaDragon
It's cute.

First stanza, nice 1-1, 2-2 rhyming scheme. Are you going to use a different rhyming scheme for the second stanza?
Click to expand...

not sure yet...thinking of different possibilities; perhaps mentioning a few AT members by name 😛
 
Originally posted by: neonerd
It's for english class; here's what i have so far:

Sometimes funny, sometimes not
They post away, and nef a lot.
It?s like a pub, filled with geeks
And unlike people think, not all are freaks

Though some are mean
and some just angry
...
Click to expand...

the fun is there
however meagry.
 
try and add some alliteration -- don't rely just on rhyming to make it 'sound' interesting.

Also, try and say things in original ways -- For example, your exact first line "Sometimes funny, sometimes not" appears in google 547 times. You can do better.

 
Originally posted by: JacobJ
try and add some alliteration -- don't rely just on rhyming to make it 'sound' interesting.

Also, try and say things in original ways -- For example, your exact first line "Sometimes funny, sometimes not" appears in google 547 times. You can do better.
Click to expand...

i'm not the most creative person ever...any ideas?
 
Originally posted by: neonerd
Originally posted by: JacobJ
try and add some alliteration -- don't rely just on rhyming to make it 'sound' interesting.

Also, try and say things in original ways -- For example, your exact first line "Sometimes funny, sometimes not" appears in google 547 times. You can do better.
Click to expand...

i'm not the most creative person ever...any ideas?
Click to expand...
bullshit. now get thinking.

 
My friend was doing a poetry project, and I wrote a lot of poems for her to use.. strange thing was, I never knew I was any good with poetry! These just came off the top of my head while we were chatting on MSN..

Here's one:
The birds are singing
The sun is shining
I hear the drew drops dripping
The rain is gone

The sun shows its face
through the cloudy lace
My heart picks up its pace
The rain is gone

I open the entrance
I see the lights dance
I fall into a state of trance
The rain is gone
 
Originally posted by: neonerd
It's for english class; here's what i have so far:

Sometimes funny, sometimes not
They post away, and nef a lot.
It?s like a pub, quite filled with geeks
And au contraire, we're not all freaks.
they're not all freaks would work too, but i like "we're" better

Though some are mean
and some just angry
...
Click to expand...

try this- better cadence, reads more naturally.
 
Originally posted by: JacobJ
try and add some alliteration -- don't rely just on rhyming to make it 'sound' interesting.
Click to expand...
Agreed. Blank verse may be a better choice, as it is not quite so restricting.
 
Originally posted by: bootymac
My friend was doing a poetry project, and I wrote a lot of poems for her to use.. strange thing was, I never knew I was any good with poetry! These just came off the top of my head while we were chatting on MSN..

Here's one:
The birds are singing
The sun is shining
I hear the drew drops dripping
The rain is gone

The sun shows its face
through the cloudy lace
My heart picks up its pace
The rain is gone

I open the entrance
I see the lights dance
I fall into a state of trance
The rain is gone
Click to expand...

wow, nice poem :thumbsup:
 
Originally posted by: LtPage1
Originally posted by: neonerd
It's for english class; here's what i have so far:

Sometimes funny, sometimes not
They post away, and nef a lot.
It?s like a pub, quite filled with geeks
And au contraire, we're not all freaks.
they're not all freaks would work too, but i like "we're" better

Though some are mean
and some just angry
...
Click to expand...

try this- better cadence, reads more naturally.
Click to expand...

:thumbsup:

good so far though, how long does it have to be?
 
You can use this one if you'd like, inspired by Preyhunter's great thread...

To please your woman and amaze her
Cut off your weenie with a rusty razor.
 
Originally posted by: neonerd
It's for english class; here's what i have so far:

Sometimes funny, sometimes not
They post away, and nef a lot.
It?s like a pub, filled with geeks
And unlike people think, not all are freaks

Though some are mean
and some just angry
This message board
where all the geeks meet
has asked that we pay
I think that's really gay
ban me for posting
ban me from reading
or maybe not
if you do then you can suck my nut

Yes, this board has it all
geeks, freaks, retards, and dorks
but one thing you'll never be bored

So pay your subscription
give your donation
with all this money the board will come to fruition
Click to expand...
 
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