Critique my cover letter please?

[Kroze]

As a combat veteran of the Marine Corps who has conducted countless security functions over the last four and a half years, I am very qualified and interested in obtaining the security officer position. I am currently pursuing a bachelor degree in criminal justice and this position would be a great career experience opportunity. With previous job experience in a cash vault environment with Dunbar Armored, qualified with several firearms including the pistol and rifle, and often regarded as highly valuable and dependable at every job held, I will be an asset to the company.

 

[olds]

It could still use a little tweaking...

I am writing to you about the security officer position you advertised in XXX. As a combat veteran of the Marine Corps who has conducted countless security functions over the last four and a half years, I am very qualified and interested in this position. I am currently pursuing a bachelor?s degree in criminal justice and this position would be a great career experience and opportunity. I have previous job experience in a cash vault environment with Dunbar Armored of Town, State. While employed there I qualified with several firearms including the .45 caliber pistol and AR14 rifle. My employer and fellow employees often regarded me as highly valuable and dependable at every job held.
I am sure with my experience and training, I would be a valuable asset to the company.

 

[herbiehancock]

Mr. Joey Mendoza
A & B Security
162 Long St.
New York, NY 00000-0000




Dear Mr. Mendoza,

My 4 1/2 years of security training and combat career with the U.S. Marine Corps, where I progressed through the rank of Sargeant, makes me an ideal candidate the security officer position you have posted on your company job board.

I also gained additional security experience with Dunbar Armored Security in a cash vault environment. I am fully qualified on several firearms, including the Glock 9mm and the AR-15. Additionally, I am pursuing a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. My experience makes me uniquely qualified for providing security in any environment.

My years in the military have also helped me hone my interpersonal skills and gave me a strong customer service focus. I know how to make customers feel confident in my abilities -- and the services I provide.

I am sure my services would be useful to you and I would be an asset for your company. I will call you in the next week to discuss an interview where we can review my qualifications in greater depth.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

 

[simms]

Wow these cover letters are short. Mine run about 1 page, 1" margins all around, standard business adressing like in herbiehancocks. I would say 1 intro, 1 conc, 3 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences are my cover letter.

 

[jlee]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
It could still use a little tweaking...

I am writing to you about the security officer position you advertised in XXX. As a combat veteran of the Marine Corps who has conducted countless security functions over the last four and a half years, I am very qualified and interested in this position. I am currently pursuing a bachelor?s degree in criminal justice and this position would be a great career experience and opportunity. I have previous job experience in a cash vault environment with Dunbar Armored of Town, State. While employed there I qualified with several firearms including the .45 caliber pistol and AR14 rifle. My employer and fellow employees often regarded me as highly valuable and dependable at every job held.
I am sure with my experience and training, I would be a valuable asset to the company.

:thumbsup:

 

[postmortemIA]

"very qualified" sounds dull

 

[herbiehancock]

Originally posted by: simms
Wow these cover letters are short. Mine run about 1 page, 1" margins all around, standard business adressing like in herbiehancocks. I would say 1 intro, 1 conc, 3 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences are my cover letter.

As career counselors and recruiters will tell you, cover letters should have large expanses of white. Remember, it's there for a quick read, to grab attention and keep your resume from being thrown in the "We'll read 'em later" pile. Short, concise sentences, short paragraphs, simple but correct grammar, action verbage instead of passive verbage/sentences.

But yours sounds like a good one. I was trying to demonstrate, with very little information available to me about his personal and work history, to break up his single run-on paragraph into several, short, concise and easy-to-read paragraphs.

Take his opening sentence......"As a combat veteran of the Marine Corps who has conducted......", it should be about WHAT position he's applying for.

Then, instead of a passive sentence beginning, say I am a combat veteran of the Marine Corps with 4.5 years experience.......something a bit more active and grabbing. I find it strange that we talk so differently as opposed to the way we write formally. The passive voice most assume and take in writing literally bores the reader to tears, especially after reading a hundred or so of the same style, so an active style really catches his/her attention.