Critique another one of my scripts..

[slackerinabox]

So I'm in creative overdrive and ended up writing three short scripts today.. Could you tell me what I can do to fix this one? This is a first draft so there will be typos.. Thanks guys, I always appreciate your advice...

Shark

 

[slackerinabox]

 

[AlienCraft]

JESSICA
I guess I'm an opportunity and
you're the shark, waiting to attack
me?

JOSEPH
You're right in my crosshairs...
Mixed up metaphor. Might be confusing. Other than that, it was cool....

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: AlienCraft
JESSICA
I guess I'm an opportunity and
you're the shark, waiting to attack
me?

JOSEPH
You're right in my crosshairs...
Mixed up metaphor. Might be confusing. Other than that, it was cool....

You're right - i thought about that one while writing it, but the payoff (cutting to Stacey with the gun) was worth it.. i'll fix it.. thanks!

 

[slackerinabox]

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212