Critique a very short play I wrote

[slackerinabox]

Wrote this a while ago but we're doing auditions with it today so I'm dusting it off. Never wrote a play before so I'd appreciate some comments.

I think the hostility/frustration here probably relates to some of you guys.

http://www.swbfilms.com/backend/blossoms.pdf

 

[whistleclient]

ah, final draft.

 

[sao123]

I dont get it.

 

[reverend boltron]

I thought this was good. But each story was a little on the extreme side. You could also try to humanize the speech of the chick who is a b-word. I understand what you're saying, but I think you could rework what she says to make it sound more real.

Good job though! :0P

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: reverend boltron
I thought this was good. But each story was a little on the extreme side. You could also try to humanize the speech of the chick who is a b-word. I understand what you're saying, but I think you could rework what she says to make it sound more real.

Good job though! :0P

Thanks! The chick who's the b-word could be toned down but I was going for an operatic level of melodrama - does that make sense? I agree, the first on in particulare is too extreme.. i'll try to tone them down. Thanks!

 

[nakedfrog]

How about an HTML version?

 

[TitanDiddly]

😕

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: PhasmatisNox
😕

It's three seperate stories, items on the far right are stage directions. Does that help?

 

[PatboyX]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: reverend boltron
I thought this was good. But each story was a little on the extreme side. You could also try to humanize the speech of the chick who is a b-word. I understand what you're saying, but I think you could rework what she says to make it sound more real.

Good job though! :0P

Thanks! The chick who's the b-word could be toned down but I was going for an operatic level of melodrama - does that make sense? I agree, the first on in particulare is too extreme.. i'll try to tone them down. Thanks!

yeah, the melodrama shows...but it really depends on how its sold. the direction in the text isnt enough for me to decide if this is appropriate level of absurdity or just off-the-wall, non-concious camp.
it could work. everything makes sense.
but it might be over the top in places. dont over-sell it. we get it.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: nakedfrog
How about an HTML version?

I lost the source file.. Argh.. I have to OCR it now, but I'll post it as soon as I can.