Confidence.. where does it come from if one doesnt have it?

[ibex333]

This is a fitness and health thread, so I thought it's the best place to post this since it's related to mental health.

I was always puzzled about why is it some people have no trouble arguing, screaming, fighting when needed, and even when not necessary and I never had it. It really pisses me off how when I need to stand up for myself, (more often verbally then physically off course) I always back away. I tend to AVOID conflict.

I heard advices to "grow a pair" but it just doesn't help. I never had it in me and I still don't. I tried forcing myself to argue and/or fight many times but it doesn't end well. If it's verbal, I start choking up and shaking inside. If it's physical, I start crying even not a single punch has been laid.

I am always excessively polite, and apologize a lot, sometimes when the other person should be apologizing.

Is it possible for me to change? I mean like REALLY change?

I tried going to gym, taking boxing classes... I stuck with it as long as I could but eventually had to quit because of work and school. I literally have NO FREE TIME, except for a few off hours here and there during the week. Honestly, boxing did nothing for me as far as confidence goes.

Is there a way out of this? I'd really like to turn into a MAN someday.

 

[superccs]

You pretty much have to challenge yourself and accomplish something that you were not sure you could do to sort of change your prospective on what your mind thinks you are capable of.

Repeating this process will reinforce your self value and allow you to push back when others try to walk over you.

 

[DigDog]

sounds to me like you already are a man. you obv have underlying reasoning that lets you know avoiding conflict is better than seeking it. i'm totally like that, i'v nothing to win from confrontation. just keep your eyes on the money, that's all that matters.

 

[MJK4Y]

For me personally, whenever I find myself aggressive and loud in an argument or confrontation, I feel like it stems from the strength of my own convictions in whatever it is I am saying. If you have well-founded principles that define you and that you refuse to compromise on, you will absolutely fight to preserve them.

For example, I'm not the type to start any kind of fight, but the few times I have gotten into a pushing contest or whatever you'd like to call it, it has been because that person was acting in direct violation of my own personal principles (being a needless ass, harassing someone who hasn't done anything wrong, just being violent and mean-spirited in general).

And I think it's very normal for that to become a kind of emotional experience. One time my buddy and I got into a little punch-up and I left it incredibly frustrated, to the point where I was getting a little teary. But because I truly believed he was in the wrong and had violated the personal codes of conduct which I hold dear with regards to how I go about things, that frustration manifested itself in personal confidence and aggression, as you seem to indicate you would like to develop. In fact, I became so aggressive that I needed an outlet for it and I put a dent in my buddy's refrigerator with my hand (not a good idea). It's maybe not the healthiest or best example of the kind of confidence and willingness to be the aggressor that you are talking about, but ultimately, I have never found myself in a shouting match/punch-up where I felt I was acting unjustly. Just define yourself and the kind of man you want to be, and then refuse to give it up just because someone can be louder.

 

[VulgarDisplay]

I pretty much deal with the same situation. It's especially tough for me because I work in a position of authority. Hard to tell people what to do when you apologize for even asking them to do their job.

I'm a total pushover, and I've always been that way. It's been my experience however that people who are overly polite and accommodating for other people are the last people you want to piss off. I think my issues stem from a fear that people will reject me if they see how crazy my temper can make me so I just hold it all in. Which works until I get pushed and then the outburst is far more aggressive than it has any right to be.

 

[exdeath]

The speak softly but carry a big stick philosophy works best.

Avoiding conflict is normal. In reality, the more confident and and capable you are, the more likely you are to avoid conflict and competition anyway simply because you know what will happen.

OP just sounds like an overly emotional person. This isn't the same thing as lacking confidence. Crying when faced with the mere potential for conflict, even verbal, is not normal. Such emotional response is known as a "bleeding heart". If you want to have the kind of cold and logical confidence to just not care you need to kill those emotions and detach.

You'll still prefer to avoid conflict and stand by your principals, but you need to accept that not everybody shares your principals and that you cannot make choices for others. Some people will think starting a fight is being the bigger man and they will back you into a corner and you WILL need to defend yourself and inflict damage. It's a case of "kill or be killed". Someone has already made the choice that one of you will not go home and there is nothing you can do about it. Is it going to be you? You need to be able to accept what you can't control and justify it as simply having no choice and doing what needed to be done at a logical level. You didn't chose to violate your principals, somebody else did. You aren't a lesser man for that. The only difference between a normal man and a psychopath is that when the conflict has passed, you voluntarily chose to lay down your arms and resume a peaceful life rather than continue to prey on innocent people. This is where your principals come in. But your inner psychopath is always on call when absolutely required as a last resort.

I've learned to avoid conflict and competition because things get scary. I will NOT lose, I have no moral compass, and I don't play by the rules when I'm backed into a corner. I even have a hard time with eye contact with people in normal social situations because it seems confrontational to me even though I know its a normal human social communication tool.

PS you can't just take boxing *classes*. You need to actually spar all out with people and HIT them and GET HIT in order to alleviate your apprehension. A bag isn't going to cut it. You need to actually stare a person in the eye hit each other in the face and hurt each other, it's really the only way you can train for it mentally. Don't even worry about "getting hurt", your body is the most wonderful nanomachine on the planet and will regenerate itself. It's a mind over matter game. As long as you know "I will heal", you don't care anymore. Recognition that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter; that alone will be cause for a elevation of confidence.

Lack of confidence is similar to phobias. Its rooted in fear of the unknown. If you've never been in a fight before you don't know what its like, are unsure of your ability, dont know what will happen, does it hurt, will I die or accidentally kill someone, what if this or that, etc, and will experience apprehension and anxiety when a possible conflict begins. The only way to overcome that is to actually participate in the activity that causes the anxiety, like phobias, until you realize its not so bad after all. When you know you can take someone down, and know that you can take some abuse in return, you'll have the confidence you desire, and displaying that confidence in a non provoking demeanor will actually carry you farther in diffusing or avoiding actual conflict in the first place.

Like anything else, you can only condition yourself both mentally and physically via exposure and repetition of the real thing. Simulations don't do it; staring at a punching bag won't solicit the response you're trying to control or suppress. And in the end, recognize that regardless of the civilized front we all put on, humans are still an animal of nature with primitive instincts and desires.

 

[KIAman]

Lots of good explanations in this thread.

First, before I start, I assume you know the difference between being self confident and being an ass. Reading your OP, it sounds like you do know the difference but there are lots of people who think being loud, rude and "speak your mind" mentality is being confident when really they are being a tool.

Here is my advice. Practice. I know it sounds rediculous at first but hear me out.

If you have a friend or family member or anybody willing to go through confrontational scenarios with you, then this will work even better.

Basically, list out all the scenarios you can think of that you felt you lacked self confidence. Let your friend/partner/family be the "bad" guy in the situation and really have them act it out. Now you say whatever you need to say and do whatever you need to do (aside from actually hurting each other physically) and practice what it feels like to be in a confrontation without losing your cool or getting overly emotional. In order for this to work, you really have to play your part and feel everything you would feel in real life. You have to take this seriously and if you find yourself laughing, then it isn't working.

After each scenario, discuss with your buddy what happend and figure out what was said and why and really pick it apart. You can even replay a scenario if you felt that you weren't confident enough.

This helps because

1. Knowing this is not a real confrontation helps you feel more comfortable
2. Knowing the "bad" guy is your friend/partner/family helps you feel more comfortable
3. Helps you know what to say, when to say it
4. Helps you feel more prepared when in a confrontation
5. Can give you insight on why you feel you "lack" confidence

Practice this several times a week and prepare prepare prepare. When you get into a situation where you must stand up for yourself, you will know what to say and more importantly, WHY you are saying them.

Finally, confidence is 100% in your brain. You don't have to be physically intimidating to get people to listen to you. Unless the conflict is a mindless fight or situation, a lot of how the verbal confrontation turns out is what you happen to say. Remember that no matter how brainless or stupid or evil the "bad" guy seems, he/she is a person with feelings and desires and family and human needs and that you can appeal to a lot of those things in them to stand your ground.

Edit: Just to give some perspective, I consider myself confident but I do a lot of similar things in your OP. If someone bumps me, I'm more concerned if I hurt them and usually ask "are you ok?" or "sorry about that." I'm nice and hold doors for people. I'm polite to people even if I don't like them or they rub me the wrong way.

But if someone bumps me and starts to yell, become physical or histerical, I assume they are either suicidal (nothing left to lose) or on drugs so typically, I give them a look then walk my way.

So I just want to point out, there is nothing wrong with being nice.

 

[ibex333]

Sorry for bumping an old thread. Thanks so much to everyone who replied! This really helps.

I've been thinking about it, and yes, whenever I was literally backed into a corner in my life, I DID fight, and I never really "lost". I cried afterward, when the attacker couldn't see me doing it anymore, (because all that repressed anger, and upset would come out this way) but during the fight, I never gave in, and if I didn't "beat up" whoever I was fighting, at least I never let them inflict any major physical damage upon me.

I guess what I always really wanted, is to be able to "hurt" whoever is attacking me verbally or physically as much as they hurt me. Perhaps, a lot more actually. It's probably about vengeance in some way. I know it's probably very wrong, but I feel like whoever is attacking someone without good reason, just to be nasty and evil, should be punished for it, and when that person goes unpunished, it's truly a bad thing.

There are situations where not acting when needed feels absolutely horrible. For example, I been in a club with a girl, and a guy who was passing by hit her on the shoulder. He didn't hit her hard, and it really wasn't a big deal. She didn't even comment on it. It was obviously an accident and the fool was probably drunk, but he dint apologize, and just went on his way. I didn't call him out on it, and I felt guilty because of that throughout the rest of the day... I weighed the pros and cons of various responses on my side and I quickly realized that had I done something about it, the guy could have easily kicked my ass all over the place. Would it be kind of cool if I called him out and made him apologize though? Yes, I think it would be.