Confidence... What is it?

[ibex333]

CONFIDENCE. Let's talk about it. This goes for both men and women. It is probably more relevant to men though.

People like a "CONFIDENT" person. But what is confidence to YOU?! The definition can vary from individual to individual.

Official definition states that confidence is:

the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
"we had every confidence in the staff"
synonyms: trust, belief, faith, credence, conviction
"I have little confidence in these figures"

the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
"it is not possible to say with confidence how much of the increase in sea levels is due to melting glaciers"

a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
"she's brimming with confidence"
synonyms: self-assurance, self-confidence, self-possession, assertiveness;

But where does one GET this... feeling, or belief that he/she can trust in oneself and one's ability? Is it even something tangible that can be "obtained"?

It's wonderful when you have something to "anchor" yourself in. Maybe you are a boxing champ and can kick anyone's ass... You command fear and respect. Maybe you own a BMW M5 and all girls get wet as soon as they get inside and hear that hurricane roar... Maybe you are a good hustler and you can afford anything you want... If you're a girl, maybe you're just a hot mama with perfect tits and a perfect ass as well as a beautiful slim body... I bet these things can give people confidence, or at least a false feeling of.

But what about an average person who has none of these things? What if various circumstances over the course of many years made a person feel like they have nothing to feel confident about? You cant just get up and decide that you will change everything. It' a great advice to give, but not how life works.If you're a fucking loser, it really is not easy at all to change anything, especially within any sort of reasonable amount of time.

There are certainly very confident people out there who don't really have any material things or special skills... They just have some sort of an inner belief that they'll be ok, no matter what they have to deal with. What's the secret? What is it, that these people have, that others simply cannot understand, and probably never will?

 

[John Connor]

Holy shit. Are you related to Carebear? https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/end-stigma-in-society.2523987/unread

 

[ibex333]

Holy shit. Are you related to Carebear? https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/end-stigma-in-society.2523987/unread

I think you didn't read my post. It's not the same stuff at all.

 

[John Connor]

I think you didn't read my post. It's not the same stuff at all.

Well, I admit that. But the jive of it seems like it is.

 

[monkeydelmagico]

There are certainly very confident people out there who don't really have any material things or special skills... They just have some sort of an inner belief that they'll be ok, no matter what they have to deal with. What's the secret? What is it, that these people have, that others simply cannot understand, and probably never will?

They are an old soul. Or delusional. Maybe both.

 

[Perknose]

Well, I admit that. But the jive of it seems like it is.

Gist. You were going for "gist."

 

[zinfamous]

Gist. You were going for "gist."

also, it's "jibe." Not jive.

 

[Perknose]

also, it's "jibe." Not jive.

But never "the jibe of it." One jibes with something.

Class dismissed. Now get out on that playground and have fun, kids!

 

[zinfamous]

But never "the jibe of it." One jibes with something.

Class dismissed. Now get out on that playground and have fun, kids!

correct. All I meant to say is that it is never "jive," for anything. I just like this multi-tiered rhetorical abortion from JC.

 

[Majes]

There are certainly very confident people out there who don't really have any material things or special skills... They just have some sort of an inner belief that they'll be ok, no matter what they have to deal with. What's the secret? What is it, that these people have, that others simply cannot understand, and probably never will?

Hard work. I'm pretty sure that's the ticket. The most confident people I've known know that they can accomplish what they want if they are willing to work hard at it. It's something you have to cultivate in yourself by goal setting and accomplishment.

 

[ibex333]

Hard work. I'm pretty sure that's the ticket. The most confident people I've known know that they can accomplish what they want if they are willing to work hard at it. It's something you have to cultivate in yourself by goal setting and accomplishment.

I like this reply! It makes sense to me.

A human being likes to succeed. It feels good. So a series of successes retrain the brain toward the positive vs. negativity. In other words, if someone has absolutely nothing to be confident about, by starting small, they can sort of build up their confidence.

Goal setting, and accomplishment. Sounds good. Life is kinda worthless without goals.

 

[Perknose]

If you're a girl, maybe you're just a hot mama with perfect tits and a perfect ass as well as a beautiful slim body.

You'd be surprised at how many "hot mamas" are desperately insecure inside.

.If you're a fucking loser . . .

All encompassing labels are stupidly reductive and destructive. Any one person "loses" sometimes, just as they "win" sometimes, too. Focusing on your deficits and branding yourself a loser can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It may seem hokey, but each morning when you wake up, name 3-5 things in your life that you are grateful for.

Dude, you possess a computer and know how to post on an on-line forum. You know how to construct clear sentences, one after the other. You're a f*cking genius! You're not a misbegotten farmer in Syria, caught between multiple murderous factions. Count your blessings!

They just have some sort of an inner belief that they'll be ok, no matter what they have to deal with. What's the secret?

A lovingly and enduringly supportive upbringing, for one. But YOU are in control of your present attitude. Not saying it's easy in some circumstances, but you are in control of how you regard yourself and your prospects. A proper attitude goes a long, long way to engendering success. Never forget that you must apply yourself, though, always.

Some say, "Fake it 'till you make it." If you can hold the belief that you will succeed, and you apply yourself to that goal, then over the long run, odds are you will succeed. This doesn't necessarily mean millions or fame, but being able to look back and own your success, no matter how modest. No matter our many faults and sometimes howling inequities, this is still a country where, if you're willing to begin that long, years long walk, step by incremental step, down that path, multiple avenues of success still beckon.

What is it, that these people have . . .

Proper medication? A trust fund?

Sorry, I can only be earnest for so long, and then my head explodes.

Edit: Well, not surprisingly, Majes above got right to the point while I was busy nattering on. <shrug>

 

[Guurn]

It is being calm in the face of odd, stressful or intense situations.

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

It's being comfortable in your own skin, knowing what you can do and stand for.

 

[Kaido]

But where does one GET this... feeling, or belief that he/she can trust in oneself and one's ability? Is it even something tangible that can be "obtained"?

...

But what about an average person who has none of these things? What if various circumstances over the course of many years made a person feel like they have nothing to feel confident about?

Yes, a constant feeling of confidence can be obtained. I was not a confident person growing up. I am a lot more confident now. It is a mix of things:

1. The first thing to understand is that it's all mental. Thoughts create emotions. The emotional feeling of confidence is rooted in how you think. Everyone gets a brain & a body when you show up to earth, so you're no different than anyone else...confident people just use a pattern of thinking that enables them to feel confident. It's something you can learn, and it's not hard, and you are no different than anyone else, so you can be confident too!

2. The next thing you need to understand is that you have intrinsic value. That means that you have value just because you are you and that's okay. Your worth is not based on what other people say about you, nor what you think that other people think about you. You don't need a cool car or a high-paying job or a big house or abs to have self-worth. A huge amount of people grow up with negative people telling them that they aren't worth anything or that they're useless or that they're second-class citizens or whatever, and that gets internalized. On the flip side, some people grow up with super big egos & think they are awesome. It's different for everybody. The bottom line is, you do you, and that's okay. Value in life is a given, not something that some people are or are not, and it's not something that is earned. Note that that is separate from say your worth in the job marketplace, where the more skills & education you acquire, the more valuable you are to a company. As a person, as a human being, you are worth exactly as much as anyone else.

3. A big part of having confidence has to do with trust. If you lie to yourself and if you lie to others, then it's hard to feel confident because you know you're not doing the right things. Lying isn't necessarily straight-up lying to someone's face, it can be cheating on a test, it can be showing up to work late, it's anything that breaks a commitment you've made to yourself or to others. I screw up all the time & can tell you that that feeling blows. Especially when you make it a lifestyle, it's hard to have a constant feeling of confidence because that trust isn't there to fall back on. I use the GTD system for helping me stay on top of things, it works better than anything else I've found for managing commitments. And I'm still not perfect at it, haha. But learning how to manage all of the commitments in your life is a big deal for feeling confident, because it's easy to feel confident when you KNOW you're on top of things, especially when you're 100% on top of things.

4. Note that trust is different than integrity. You can work for the mafia & be trustworthy, but have low morals or no ethics. This is where it gets more individual. Look at any of the big busts in recent memory, like the bank bailouts...I'm sure the guys raking in the illicit cash at the top had no problem sleeping at night, because they had told themselves a story that what they were doing was OK by their standards. So trust vs. morals. Trust is one thing, your level of morals is another, and in addition to being trustworthy, you have to be true to your internal moral compass. Maybe that means you're a bank robber, maybe that means you're a saint, that's individual & unique to you & no one else. Keeping your moral "trust" is really about meeting your internal standards.

5. As much as you possibly can, you need to contribute to society, and do so on a regular basis (like eating food...you need continuous hits of energy). This can be done in a huge variety of ways. First tho, note that if you are elderly & senile, or severely crippled, or whatever, obviously that's going to be difficult, but if you're able to, then you need to do it on a recurring basis (not just a one-time thing). Contribution means different things to different people. It can be going to your job every day. It can be raising a kid at home. It can be helping out at a soup kitchen. It can be volunteering for Little League. Helping people, whether it's individually or at a job, & using your specific talents, makes you feel good in a confident way. If you sit around doing nothing all day, it's hard to feel good about yourself. Also note that this doesn't mean that you can't make money at it, or build something into a big business, or whatever...the core thing is using your skills & effort to do something to help people or a business or society or your country, whatever your hustle is, because for some reason that builds a feeling of competency & confidence, so a recurring contribution via a job or volunteer work or donations or whatever can help with that quite a bit.

6. Psychology plays a big role, again, because it's all mental. Attitude & self-talk are two of the biggest things you can actually work on & change. I suggest the book Attitude is Everything by Jeff Keller. Also, learning how to identify your negative self-talk is really important. Confident people don't think about themselves as losers or slobs or whatever. That doesn't mean you need to think about yourself as all high & mighty, but going back to #1 & #2, it's a mental game & you have worth by default, so you can build off that. This is a good workbook for learning to identify trigger situations, how you talk to yourself, how you want to talk to yourself, and changing that into habits. If you want to read more, this is the companion book.

7. Competency breeds confidence. You don't have to be competent in everything, and you don't have to be a superstar at it, but being competent in at least one thing gives you a confidence boost. That may be your job or being a car guy or being a computer guy or whatever. Being good at just one thing can help your confidence. Look at Michael Jordan...he wasn't super great at baseball or golf, or even stuff like long throws, but he was the master of dunking. He could score points like mad at basketball. He was really only good at that one thing. Granted, he was pro at it, but you can also just be good at something to have confidence, you don't need to be the best or Olympic-level or whatever.

8. There's also nothing wrong with tying some of your confidence to part of your identity, whether you're really attractive, or have a cool car, or whatever. I mean, I'm a computer nerd, and that's a big part of who I am, and being geeky is a source of confidence...I can figure out phones & computers & setup wi-fi systems and all that jazz. I have a lot of car buddies IRL & a lot of their confidence is tied into their restored cars, or being able to work on cars, or whatever, which is totally fine.

9. A lot of the feeling of pure confidence throughout the day is just a matter of getting a solid night's sleep. When you're well-rested, it's easy to feel confident & feel good. I would say getting a good night sleep the night before is probably one of the biggest contributors to feeling confident, actually.

 

[Red Storm]

To be confident is to be comfortable and not afraid of failure.

 

[bradly1101]

CONFIDENCE. Let's talk about it. This goes for both men and women. It is probably more relevant to men though.

People like a "CONFIDENT" person. But what is confidence to YOU?! The definition can vary from individual to individual.

Official definition states that confidence is:

the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
"we had every confidence in the staff"
synonyms: trust, belief, faith, credence, conviction
"I have little confidence in these figures"

the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
"it is not possible to say with confidence how much of the increase in sea levels is due to melting glaciers"

a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.
"she's brimming with confidence"
synonyms: self-assurance, self-confidence, self-possession, assertiveness;

But where does one GET this... feeling, or belief that he/she can trust in oneself and one's ability? Is it even something tangible that can be "obtained"?

It's wonderful when you have something to "anchor" yourself in. Maybe you are a boxing champ and can kick anyone's ass... You command fear and respect. Maybe you own a BMW M5 and all girls get wet as soon as they get inside and hear that hurricane roar... Maybe you are a good hustler and you can afford anything you want... If you're a girl, maybe you're just a hot mama with perfect tits and a perfect ass as well as a beautiful slim body... I bet these things can give people confidence, or at least a false feeling of.

But what about an average person who has none of these things? What if various circumstances over the course of many years made a person feel like they have nothing to feel confident about? You cant just get up and decide that you will change everything. It' a great advice to give, but not how life works.If you're a fucking loser, it really is not easy at all to change anything, especially within any sort of reasonable amount of time.

There are certainly very confident people out there who don't really have any material things or special skills... They just have some sort of an inner belief that they'll be ok, no matter what they have to deal with. What's the secret? What is it, that these people have, that others simply cannot understand, and probably never will?

I would think that the ability to ask these heady questions and consider the topic would give one confidence. Confidence seems to be a state of positive people, no matter how small the accomplishment. Getting out of bed could be a confidence builder.

 

[Kaido]

Getting out of bed could be a confidence builder.

Yeah man

 

[bradly1101]

Yes, a constant feeling of confidence can be obtained. I was not a confident person growing up. I am a lot more confident now. It is a mix of things:

1. The first thing to understand is that it's all mental. Thoughts create emotions. The emotional feeling of confidence is rooted in how you think. Everyone gets a brain & a body when you show up to earth, so you're no different than anyone else...confident people just use a pattern of thinking that enables the to feel confident. It's something you can learn, and it's not hard, and you are no different than anyone else, so you can be confident too!

It helps me when learning about the brain to remember that emotions and thought are also intensely physical, and can be trained, strengthened, reinforced, and weakened just like our muscles.

3. A big part of having confidence has to do with trust. If you lie to yourself and if you lie to others, then it's hard to feel confident because you know you're not doing the right things. Lying isn't necessarily straight-up lying to someone's face, it can be cheating on a test, it can be showing up to work late, it's anything that breaks a commitment you've made to yourself or to others. I screw up all the time & can tell you that that feeling blows. Especially when you make it a lifestyle, it's hard to have a constant feeling of confidence because that trust isn't there to fall back on. I use the GTD system for helping me stay on top of things, it works better than anything else I've found for managing commitments. And I'm still not perfect at it, haha. But learning how to manage all of the commitments in your life is a big deal for feeling confident, because it's easy to feel confident when you KNOW you're on top of things, especially when you're 100% on top of things.

4. Note that trust is different than integrity. You can work for the mafia & be trustworthy, but have low morals or no ethics. This is where it gets more individual. Look at any of the big busts in recent memory, like the bank bailouts...I'm sure the guys raking in the illicit cash at the top had no problem sleeping at night, because they had told themselves a story that what they were doing was OK by their standards. So trust vs. morals. Trust is one thing, your level of morals is another, and in addition to being trustworthy, you have to be true to your internal moral compass. Maybe that means you're a bank robber, maybe that means you're a saint, that's individual & unique to you & no one else. Keeping your moral "trust" is really about meeting your internal standards.

I know some liars, and it's odd to me that they lie because the lie always gets revealed (although I don't say anything). In the context of confidence, I see that they often lie to impress me, to gain confidence. The truth is always more impressive. Interestingly they all could be considered alcoholics. I guess alcohol can affect moral processes in the brain (I learned that in Alanon).

Regarding this and everything else you said, more power (and confidence) to you!

 

[Kaido]

It helps me when learning about the brain to remember that emotions and thought are also intensely physical, and can be trained, strengthened, reinforced, and weakened just like our muscles.

I know some liars, and it's odd to me that they lie because the lie always gets revealed (although I don't say anything). In the context of confidence, I see that they often lie to impress me, to gain confidence. The truth is always more impressive. Interestingly they all could be considered alcoholics. I guess alcohol can affect moral processes in the brain (I learned that in Alanon).

Regarding this and everything else you said, more power (and confidence) to you!

Yeah, I've got plenty of friends who are drug addicts & severe alcoholics and just endlessly lie to get their fix. Ruins their jobs, their families, their lives. I've had to cut people out of my life because of that kind of behavior. Those are the extreme cases. And part of that behavior is strongly living in denial. If you zap away the guilty part of your brain with a pleasure hit & are too fried to think about life after that, then you don't have to honestly face the type of person you are acting like. And that segways more into the morality & ethics arena...if they are meeting their own internal standard of morality, then they can feel perfectly confident because they are being who they think they should.

As far as the emotion & thought stuff goes, the cycle for a lot of things goes like this:

1. A situation happens
2. You think (to some degree) about how you should feel in response
3. That thought turns into an emotion
4. Now when that situation happens again, you feel that emotion again.

You eat an M&M as a kid. Yum! Now whenever someone offers you M&M candies, you think yum! These are good! Remapping it is entirely doable:

1. Pay attention to when the situation happens
2. Pay attention to how you feel
3. Think about what the thought is that created it
4. Decide how you want to think about it differently

If you're on a diet and want to skip sweets, then when someone hands you some M&M's, you think yum! But then you think, nah, I'm on a diet. You can use your free agency to change how you think about it. I mean, that's the simplistic version, but confidence works in the same way. If you think of yourself as a loser or if you feel lacking because you're not a karate expert or because you don't have a cool car or because you think you're ugly or whatever, then you can change that, because it just boils down to thinking. Part of it is recognizing how the system works & part of it is being will to accept that change. If you refuse to let go of the core inner feelings you have, then that's a choice - but remember that no one is holding a gun to your head, making you feel that way. It's just you.

I've never really thought about a step-by-step procedure, but I would suggest:

1. First, decide that you can be a confident person and that it is okay for you to be confident. Give yourself permission. This sounds stupid, but it's not. If you decide you can't do something, then you won't, because you'll never take the first step.

2. Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself & what you say to yourself, which is communicated through emotions, which were originally thoughts - things that you, for whatever reason, internalized as core definitions of who you are.

3. Think about what you would like to replace those with & start using them to remap your internal thinking & feeling habits. Everybody has problems. One of my favorite quotes is: "There are only two problems in the world: you don't know what you want, and you don't know how to get what you want". So the next step is thinking about what you want. If you think of yourself as a loser & want to feel confident, then solves the first problem of not knowing what you want. How to get what you want in this case involves giving yourself permission to accept that you are intrinsically valid and are not a loser. Those internal definitions can be really hard to let go. I saw this a lot when I was dating...I don't mean to be stereotypical here, but I don't think I've ever met a woman who didn't have body issues, mentally. Even if they were skinny or in-shape, they had body image problems where they thought they were too fat or too big of a size or whatever, even if they weren't. It can be really, really difficult to give up that need to hold on to how we define ourselves at the current moment. One girl in high school was on the swim team, in super great shape, and was always complaining about how she felt fat...but she wasn't ever able to let that go & accept herself as OK. Therapy can help if you can't let it go easily yourself, that is, if you're willing to do it, but for a lot of things, literally simply deciding on what you want to be is the first step & then doing some thinking about what you want to change your self-talk to is the next step.

One person who helped me a lot with this was Amelia Earhart because of her great quotes. She was one of the first female pilots & had to break through a lot of glass ceilings. One of the most enlightening quotes for me was "I want to do it because I want to do it." Aka you have control over what you choose to do & how you feel about and if you want to like anime or computers or Cheetos or whatever else, that's perfectly fine because you do you. You don't need the approval of other people to enjoy things or to feel valid or to be confident. And getting to that point, where you do feel confident in yourself, really does involve thinking about what you like, and what you want, and what you're doing in your life, and listening to how your inner voice talks and remapping it to say what you want. Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is president because he had a lot of confidence that he could BE the president. Thinking & self-talk is the very foundational first step to action & to changing the way you feel. And it's only as hard as much as you're not willing to let go of how you feel, in terms of whatever it is that you've internalized as a definition of yourself. You are exactly what you think you are, and your behavior reflects those beliefs. This isn't hippie-dippy stuff, this is actual internal mechanics that you can document & change.

 

[Kaido]

I know some liars, and it's odd to me that they lie because the lie always gets revealed (although I don't say anything). In the context of confidence, I see that they often lie to impress me, to gain confidence. The truth is always more impressive. Interestingly they all could be considered alcoholics. I guess alcohol can affect moral processes in the brain (I learned that in Alanon).

In those situations, they are seeking approval from other people instead of themselves. I mean, everybody seeks approvals from others to some degree, but when it gets to the point where it has to be through a lie, or through some asset (good looks, a cool car, a great job, personal fortune, etc.), then that's not based on you approving of you, and that's a shaky foundation. Perfect case in point: Wilbur Ross. If you haven't seen the news lately, he's the Secretary of Commerce for Donald Trump. For years, he has lied about being a billionaire:

https://www.cnbc.com/2017/11/07/for...lbur-ross-lied-about-being-a-billionaire.html

He has publicly stated that he has a net worth of $2.9 billion, when his real net worth is "only" $700 million. Now, that's not chump change, but that $2.9 billion figure got him on the Forbes 400 list of the richest Americans by net worth year after year after year. It helped him get a lofty job in the government. I'm sure it opened a lot of doors for him that wouldn't have otherwise been open, plus it probably felt good to be called a billionaire, be seen as someone wise & financially savvy, etc. And then he got caught. Derp.

 

[bbhaag]

For me confidence comes from believing in myself and the choices I make. 90% of the time I make the right choices and that helps keep my confidence high but even when I make the wrong choice I make that a learning experience. I learn lessons from those wrong choices and apply them to my life so the next time I encounter a similar situation I make the correct choice.
This encompasses all aspects of my life from managing my business and employees to my daily interactions with family and friends. I believe in myself and what I am doing. That is what confidence is to me.

I've also been told I am good looking, intelligent, and have an above average penis size so that helps to.

 

[bradly1101]

Yeah, I've got plenty of friends who are drug addicts & severe alcoholics and just endlessly lie to get their fix. Ruins their jobs, their families, their lives. I've had to cut people out of my life because of that kind of behavior. Those are the extreme cases. And part of that behavior is strongly living in denial. If you zap away the guilty part of your brain with a pleasure hit & are too fried to think about life after that, then you don't have to honestly face the type of person you are acting like. And that segways more into the morality & ethics arena...if they are meeting their own internal standard of morality, then they can feel perfectly confident because they are being who they think they should.

As far as the emotion & thought stuff goes, the cycle for a lot of things goes like this:

1. A situation happens
2. You think (to some degree) about how you should feel in response
3. That thought turns into an emotion
4. Now when that situation happens again, you feel that emotion again.

You eat an M&M as a kid. Yum! Now whenever someone offers you M&M candies, you think yum! These are good! Remapping it is entirely doable:

1. Pay attention to when the situation happens
2. Pay attention to how you feel
3. Think about what the thought is that created it
4. Decide how you want to think about it differently

If you're on a diet and want to skip sweets, then when someone hands you some M&M's, you think yum! But then you think, nah, I'm on a diet. You can use your free agency to change how you think about it. I mean, that's the simplistic version, but confidence works in the same way. If you think of yourself as a loser or if you feel lacking because you're not a karate expert or because you don't have a cool car or because you think you're ugly or whatever, then you can change that, because it just boils down to thinking. Part of it is recognizing how the system works & part of it is being will to accept that change. If you refuse to let go of the core inner feelings you have, then that's a choice - but remember that no one is holding a gun to your head, making you feel that way. It's just you.

I've never really thought about a step-by-step procedure, but I would suggest:

1. First, decide that you can be a confident person and that it is okay for you to be confident. Give yourself permission. This sounds stupid, but it's not. If you decide you can't do something, then you won't, because you'll never take the first step.

2. Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself & what you say to yourself, which is communicated through emotions, which were originally thoughts - things that you, for whatever reason, internalized as core definitions of who you are.

3. Think about what you would like to replace those with & start using them to remap your internal thinking & feeling habits. Everybody has problems. One of my favorite quotes is: "There are only two problems in the world: you don't know what you want, and you don't know how to get what you want". So the next step is thinking about what you want. If you think of yourself as a loser & want to feel confident, then solves the first problem of not knowing what you want. How to get what you want in this case involves giving yourself permission to accept that you are intrinsically valid and are not a loser. Those internal definitions can be really hard to let go. I saw this a lot when I was dating...I don't mean to be stereotypical here, but I don't think I've ever met a woman who didn't have body issues, mentally. Even if they were skinny or in-shape, they had body image problems where they thought they were too fat or too big of a size or whatever, even if they weren't. It can be really, really difficult to give up that need to hold on to how we define ourselves at the current moment. One girl in high school was on the swim team, in super great shape, and was always complaining about how she felt fat...but she wasn't ever able to let that go & accept herself as OK. Therapy can help if you can't let it go easily yourself, that is, if you're willing to do it, but for a lot of things, literally simply deciding on what you want to be is the first step & then doing some thinking about what you want to change your self-talk to is the next step.

One person who helped me a lot with this was Amelia Earhart because of her great quotes. She was one of the first female pilots & had to break through a lot of glass ceilings. One of the most enlightening quotes for me was "I want to do it because I want to do it." Aka you have control over what you choose to do & how you feel about and if you want to like anime or computers or Cheetos or whatever else, that's perfectly fine because you do you. You don't need the approval of other people to enjoy things or to feel valid or to be confident. And getting to that point, where you do feel confident in yourself, really does involve thinking about what you like, and what you want, and what you're doing in your life, and listening to how your inner voice talks and remapping it to say what you want. Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is president because he had a lot of confidence that he could BE the president. Thinking & self-talk is the very foundational first step to action & to changing the way you feel. And it's only as hard as much as you're not willing to let go of how you feel, in terms of whatever it is that you've internalized as a definition of yourself. You are exactly what you think you are, and your behavior reflects those beliefs. This isn't hippie-dippy stuff, this is actual internal mechanics that you can document & change.

I would only add that thinking of yourself negatively often has its roots in childhood. Humans are devalued by other humans all the time, and as an impressionable youth, that stuff sticks with you. It can be overcome, and also be used as an excuse to wallow in the sh*t.

 

[bradly1101]

In those situations, they are seeking approval from other people instead of themselves. I mean, everybody seeks approvals from others to some degree, but when it gets to the point where it has to be through a lie, or through some asset (good looks, a cool car, a great job, personal fortune, etc.), then that's not based on you approving of you, and that's a shaky foundation. Perfect case in point: Wilbur Ross. If you haven't seen the news lately, he's the Secretary of Commerce for Donald Trump. For years, he has lied about being a billionaire:

https://www.cnbc.com/2017/11/07/for...lbur-ross-lied-about-being-a-billionaire.html

He has publicly stated that he has a net worth of $2.9 billion, when his real net worth is "only" $700 million. Now, that's not chump change, but that $2.9 billion figure got him on the Forbes 400 list of the richest Americans by net worth year after year after year. It helped him get a lofty job in the government. I'm sure it opened a lot of doors for him that wouldn't have otherwise been open, plus it probably felt good to be called a billionaire, be seen as someone wise & financially savvy, etc. And then he got caught. Derp.

Yeah the lies make me wonder when I can believe them (talk about [another kind of] lack of confidence!) I haven't chosen to eliminate them from my life yet, they're family.

 

[KeithTalent]

Man, I was all ready to post something but this thread got way too real.

KT