Complaint letter :)

[DaLeroy]

FYI, Optus and Telstra are the two main phone companies in Australia....

Enjoy

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.

After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 5% ...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought Telstra were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.

You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Rgds

Adam Olsen
Terrigal

 

[Sluggo]

I like it............I think its the subtle nature of it that appeals to me.

 

[Baffler]

That was some of the funniest sh1t I ever read, MORE MORE !

 

[notfred]

actually putting cat feces in with the letter is a sure way to have it NOT get read. However, the letter was really good

 

[Lucky]

Parts of what follows below were actually painful to write. However, because of the ongoing misinformation campaigns launched by Mr. Optus and his attendants, I feel it is my duty to write this. In the rest of this letter, I will use history and science (in the Hegelian sense) to prove that we are in trouble when hitherto reputable people condone illegal activities. I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, I see how important his flighty ultimata are to his trucklers and I laugh. I laugh because he is entirely gung-ho about solipsism because he lacks more pressing soapbox issues.

I know that I, hardheaded cynic that I am, am sick to my stomach of Optus's pettiness and simple ignorance. You know that. But does Optus know we know that? I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know that it is probably safe to assume that the downward spiral of society and the concomitant growing threat of defeatism are the natural results of Optus's self-deceiving philosophies. But it goes further than that; when I say that I doubtlessly do not intend this letter to be in any way misinterpreted as a personal attack on Optus, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. This is a common fallacy held by the worst classes of footling hucksters there are. Sinful dopeheads suffer from a collective self-image that prefers victimization to success and imposes a suffocating group conformity that ostracizes nonconformists. In that context, one could say that I and Optus part company when it comes to the issue of alcoholism. He feels that he is beyond reproach, while I insist that each rung on the ladder of gangsterism is a crisis of some kind. Each crisis supplies an excuse for him to demand that loyalty to mendacious nutcases supersedes personal loyalty. That is the standard process by which rancorous cads make individuals indifferent to the survival of their families.

Let's get reasonable; if we don't analyze his jokes in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion right now, then Optus's announcements will soon start to metastasize until they give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to Optus's deep-rooted love of paternalism. The problem is, Optus is reluctant to resolve problems. He always just looks the other way and hopes no one will notice that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, his bootlickers have always found a way to break down traditional values. I claim that his practices represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death.

Optus's orations represent a calculated assault on diversity within our community. No joke. The law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior. Quite simply, Optus wants all of us to believe that he is a perpetual victim of injustice. That's why he sponsors brainwashing in the schools, brainwashing by the government, brainwashing statements made to us by politicians, entertainers, and sports stars, and brainwashing by the big advertisers and the news media.

Like I said, to believe that all literature which opposes voyeurism was forged by annoying goofballs is to deceive ourselves. I know very few spiteful primates personally, but I know them well enough to surmise that Optus is not just cruel, but proud of it. And here, I feel, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in Optus's slurs. If you wonder why I take the stance that I do, it's because he wants to create widespread hysteria. Who does he think he is? I mean, the gloss that his surrogates put on his arguments unfortunately does little to instill a sense a responsibility and maturity in those who saddle the economy with crippling debt. Since Optus claims to know more than the rest of us, I'm sure he is aware that time cannot change his behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Optus can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, brainwash the masses into submission.

He not only lies, but he brags about his lying to his collaborators. Here's the heart of the matter: I have a problem with Optus's use of the phrase, "We all know that...". With this phrase, he doesn't need to prove his claim that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed; he merely accepts it as fact. To put it another way, he asserts that hanging out with the worst types of condescending, warped geeks there are is a wonderful, culturally enriching experience. That assertion is not only untrue, but a conscious lie. Before bothering us with his next batch of fatuitous jeremiads, Optus should review the rules of writing a persuasive essay, most notably the one about sticking to the topic the writer establishes. Enough said.

You know what we'd have if everybody wanted to treat anyone who doesn't agree with him to a torrent of vitriol and vilification? Total chaos. He argues that I am coldhearted for wanting to address the legitimate anger, fear, and alienation of people who have been mobilized by Optus because they saw no other options for change. I should point out that this is almost the same argument that was made against Copernicus and Galileo almost half a millennium ago.

If he doesn't like it here, then perhaps he should go elsewhere. I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that it is hard to ignore the impact of Optus's misconduct on our children, our culture, and our national character. What I mean is that if he is going to consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of militarism, then he should at least have the self-respect to remind himself of a few things: First, I'm oversimplifying things a little here. And second, he ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you're not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person. Optus looks down with a really limitless condescension on anyone who has not been dragged through the obligatory schools and had the necessary knowledge pumped into him. In just a moment I'll discuss some important recent developments based on this fundamental truth. First, however, I want to add a bit to what I wrote previously. There is something grievously wrong with those surly calumniators who sue people at random. Shame on the lot of them!

Would we, as thinking people, believe ratbags who tried to tell us we're all mephitic? I say "no." It's one thing to block streets and traffic to the extent that ambulances can't get through, but wanting to change the course of history is indubitably going too far. In the immediate years ahead, Optus's machinations will degenerate into hotbeds of rumor and innuendo. To top that off, Optus maintains that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. This is hardly the case. Rather, there is growing evidence that says, to the contrary, that what he is doing is not an innocent, recreational sort of thing. It is a criminal activity, it is an immoral activity, it is a socially destructive activity, and it is a profoundly obstreperous activity. It is similarly noteworthy that Optus is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand, while the other hand is busy trying to threaten, degrade, poison, bulldoze, and kill this world of ours. Oh, and one more thing. His bons mots have kept us separated for too long from the love, contributions, and challenges of our brothers and sisters in this wonderful adventure we share together -- life!

At least 80 percent of the people in this country recognize that things are apt to get worse before they get better. I've already explained why, but let me add that Optus's overgeneralizations represent not only a denial of reality, but also an especially pushy sort of spiritual poison that will sentence more and more people to poverty, prison, and early death before you know it, so to speak. Optus says that fogyism is a noble goal. The inference is that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. I'm happy to report that I can't follow that logic. And now, to end with a clever bit of doggerel: United we stand. Divided we fall. Mr. Optus's crude credos will destroy us all.

 

[Captain4]

A little combative, I think. Don't you Aussies have something equivalent to the Federal Trade Commission in the U.S.? If so, tone down the letter a bit, then copy them on the letter.

 

[loup garou]

ROFL.....just.......ROFL!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Presence]

LOL

Good read...