Ok, so its long. IF you have it in your heart to read this five minute speech and tell me what you think, you would be greatly appreciated. If you don't, then please just give it a little bump so maybe one person who has it in them to respond will have the opportunity. Thanks.
EDIT: The italics are there because I was thinking about adding that to make the time sequence make more sense.
In a rational and sane world I would congratulate the class of 2003 and sit down without further comment. I?m sure that the class of 2003 would very much love for me to do just that, unfortunately, this is not a rational and sane world.
We live in a world that is far more slavish to ancient customs then we would like to admit. An ancient commencement?day tradition demands that somebody come up here and berate the graduates until they get down on their knees and beg for mercy. The ancient rule has always been: make the poor graduates suffer. I still remember the agony of the first graduation I ever went to.
They had imported heat from the Mojave Desert especially for the occasion, and the commencement orator spoke for two and a half hours.
But lucky for you, the forces of mercy have granted you a slight pardon. The authorities at Maria Carrillo High School have suggested that to speak longer then 10 minutes would be regarded as cruel and unusual punishment and if I were to go as long as 15 minutes, several strong men will mount this platform and forcible remove me. But if I can finish in under 5 minutes ? 5 minutes! ? they will let me stay for dinner! Well folks, when I smell a free dinner, I go for it.
Condensing a graduation speech to 5 minutes is no small task. To do this I had to strip away all of the frills. This means that you don?t even get warm up jokes. So, for those of you that came just for the jokes, you might as well leave.
All right, with that behind us, let?s get on to the dull part. That?s where the commencement speaker tells the graduates to go on and venture out into the world, offers lots of advice la de la da la, and it?s a ridiculous waste of time. No one ever takes that advice! The best advice I can offer is this: Don?t do it, I?ve been there, and it?s a mess.
But I won?t waste my breath pleading with you not to go forth. As you and I both know, you won?t listen and you will go forth anyways. So instead I will offer this plea: when you do venture forth into the world, do not make it any worse then it already is.
I had a thought that you might benefit from a list of the one hundred most important things you could do to avoid making the world any worse then it already is. But, since I am shooting for under five minutes, one hundred is far too many. You will have to make due with only five. Besides, with public attention span the way it is, no one will remember one hundred things anyways. Even five may be asking too much.
One: Slow down.
Two: Stop and feel. This ties in with number one. Not just your emotions, but everything around you. Take off your shoes and walk through the sand. Feel the heat rub up against the soles of your feet and in-between your toes. Notice the clothes on your back, the pants surrounding your legs. Hug a tree. Rub moss against your face. Get down on your hands and knees and touch concrete for the first time. If you can?t get outside, caress the carpet. Rub your hands over something familiar. If you haven?t done it already, you are missing out. Experience a new touch everyday. Nothing is commonplace.
Three: Listen. On a lazy day on the beach you can hear the sand rustle in the wind. On a real quite day you can hear the sound of dust settling on the windowsill. On the country side, I am told, you can hear the sound of corn growing, or that of a tin roof buckling under the power of the sun. When you are talking up a storm, so brilliant, so witty, so genius, pause for a moment and listen to yourself. It is good for the soul to hear what you sound like from the listening-point of another person. Best of all, all it takes is just a small momentary pause.
Four: Learn to fear your automobile. Be afraid, be very afraid. Those things take more lives every year then we realize. Far too many people die because they do not fear and respect the automobile. People die everyday due to careless drivers. And if becoming a statistic doesn?t scare you, perhaps the idea of multitude of vehicles will. Imagine Interstate 101 twenty-two lanes wide with traffic not being able to move. My great grandfathers generation learned to shoot horses, ours will have to learn to shoot cars.
Five: Smile. You are a lucky person. You are living in America. It is said that ?if you smile, the whole world smiles back at you.? As corny as that sounds, it?s true. When you are happy, your whole world is happy. America today is an angry place. America is angry at Iraq, angry at the President, angry at the protesters, angry at war, angry at Islam, angry at the Press, angry at the rich, angry at the poor, angry at Washington, angry at blacks, angry at whites, angry at the weather, angry at God. The old are angry at the young, the young are angry at the old. The suburbs are angry at the cities, the cities are angry at the suburbs. Rural America is angry at whoever is trying to invade their limited lands. A complete catalog of ire poising the American Soul would fill a library. Good news does not sell newspapers, nor does it keep millions glued to a three tube idiot box.
So when you get out there in the world, ladies and gentlemen, you will find yourselves surrounded by red-in-the-face, stomping-mad politicians, radio broadcast spin doctors, and, yes, even newspaper journalists, telling you that the world is on fire, or otherwise trying to spoil your day.
When they come at you with that, ladies and gentlemen, just give them a wink and smile. As soon as you stroll away, slow down and enjoy life.
Ah, it seems as if I have run past my five minute mark. I guess I?ll have to pay for my own dinner. There you have it class of 2003, there is no such thing as a free meal.
EDIT: The italics are there because I was thinking about adding that to make the time sequence make more sense.
In a rational and sane world I would congratulate the class of 2003 and sit down without further comment. I?m sure that the class of 2003 would very much love for me to do just that, unfortunately, this is not a rational and sane world.
We live in a world that is far more slavish to ancient customs then we would like to admit. An ancient commencement?day tradition demands that somebody come up here and berate the graduates until they get down on their knees and beg for mercy. The ancient rule has always been: make the poor graduates suffer. I still remember the agony of the first graduation I ever went to.
They had imported heat from the Mojave Desert especially for the occasion, and the commencement orator spoke for two and a half hours.
But lucky for you, the forces of mercy have granted you a slight pardon. The authorities at Maria Carrillo High School have suggested that to speak longer then 10 minutes would be regarded as cruel and unusual punishment and if I were to go as long as 15 minutes, several strong men will mount this platform and forcible remove me. But if I can finish in under 5 minutes ? 5 minutes! ? they will let me stay for dinner! Well folks, when I smell a free dinner, I go for it.
Condensing a graduation speech to 5 minutes is no small task. To do this I had to strip away all of the frills. This means that you don?t even get warm up jokes. So, for those of you that came just for the jokes, you might as well leave.
All right, with that behind us, let?s get on to the dull part. That?s where the commencement speaker tells the graduates to go on and venture out into the world, offers lots of advice la de la da la, and it?s a ridiculous waste of time. No one ever takes that advice! The best advice I can offer is this: Don?t do it, I?ve been there, and it?s a mess.
But I won?t waste my breath pleading with you not to go forth. As you and I both know, you won?t listen and you will go forth anyways. So instead I will offer this plea: when you do venture forth into the world, do not make it any worse then it already is.
I had a thought that you might benefit from a list of the one hundred most important things you could do to avoid making the world any worse then it already is. But, since I am shooting for under five minutes, one hundred is far too many. You will have to make due with only five. Besides, with public attention span the way it is, no one will remember one hundred things anyways. Even five may be asking too much.
One: Slow down.
Two: Stop and feel. This ties in with number one. Not just your emotions, but everything around you. Take off your shoes and walk through the sand. Feel the heat rub up against the soles of your feet and in-between your toes. Notice the clothes on your back, the pants surrounding your legs. Hug a tree. Rub moss against your face. Get down on your hands and knees and touch concrete for the first time. If you can?t get outside, caress the carpet. Rub your hands over something familiar. If you haven?t done it already, you are missing out. Experience a new touch everyday. Nothing is commonplace.
Three: Listen. On a lazy day on the beach you can hear the sand rustle in the wind. On a real quite day you can hear the sound of dust settling on the windowsill. On the country side, I am told, you can hear the sound of corn growing, or that of a tin roof buckling under the power of the sun. When you are talking up a storm, so brilliant, so witty, so genius, pause for a moment and listen to yourself. It is good for the soul to hear what you sound like from the listening-point of another person. Best of all, all it takes is just a small momentary pause.
Four: Learn to fear your automobile. Be afraid, be very afraid. Those things take more lives every year then we realize. Far too many people die because they do not fear and respect the automobile. People die everyday due to careless drivers. And if becoming a statistic doesn?t scare you, perhaps the idea of multitude of vehicles will. Imagine Interstate 101 twenty-two lanes wide with traffic not being able to move. My great grandfathers generation learned to shoot horses, ours will have to learn to shoot cars.
Five: Smile. You are a lucky person. You are living in America. It is said that ?if you smile, the whole world smiles back at you.? As corny as that sounds, it?s true. When you are happy, your whole world is happy. America today is an angry place. America is angry at Iraq, angry at the President, angry at the protesters, angry at war, angry at Islam, angry at the Press, angry at the rich, angry at the poor, angry at Washington, angry at blacks, angry at whites, angry at the weather, angry at God. The old are angry at the young, the young are angry at the old. The suburbs are angry at the cities, the cities are angry at the suburbs. Rural America is angry at whoever is trying to invade their limited lands. A complete catalog of ire poising the American Soul would fill a library. Good news does not sell newspapers, nor does it keep millions glued to a three tube idiot box.
So when you get out there in the world, ladies and gentlemen, you will find yourselves surrounded by red-in-the-face, stomping-mad politicians, radio broadcast spin doctors, and, yes, even newspaper journalists, telling you that the world is on fire, or otherwise trying to spoil your day.
When they come at you with that, ladies and gentlemen, just give them a wink and smile. As soon as you stroll away, slow down and enjoy life.
Ah, it seems as if I have run past my five minute mark. I guess I?ll have to pay for my own dinner. There you have it class of 2003, there is no such thing as a free meal.
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