Brian Regan (never swears but you have to *watch* him to get it)
Megan Maloney (hilarious woman comic, very rare)
Daniel Tosh (he has the ability to make someone laugh just by not doing anything)
Mike Birbiglia (saw him live, he is hysterical)
Nick Swardson (nick is all around just...unspeakably good)
Ryan Stout (saw him in person, he does the late night E! things for Tila Tequila and shit, he's funny on stage)
Jeff Dunam (I seriously can't spell today)
The Amazing Jonathan (a "magician" that will make your sides hurt)
Louis CK (I cry whenever I watch his standup it's so funny)
Jim Gaffigan (he is a slow-to-the-punchline comic, but it's perfect if you like that)
Dave Chappelle (always hilarious)
Bo Burhnam (youtube sensation, listen to "My Whole Family" and "I'm Bo Yo"
People who AREN'T funny and should die a slow, suffering comedic death:
Dane Cook
Dane Cook
Dane Cook
Dane Cook
I'm adding his name more than once for added effect.