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College SECOND Essay Correction Help
- Thread starter Coldkilla
- Start date
Suspicious-Teach8788
Lifer
email me and ill see if i can do something about it.. be sure to include the prompt... school even
Edit: Also try collegeconfidential.com... some guys there are just wayyy too nice.. just make sure they don't steal ur crap
Edit: Also try collegeconfidential.com... some guys there are just wayyy too nice.. just make sure they don't steal ur crap
Main reason why I didnt wanna post it here DLeRium. Thanks for that. Otherwise I'll get the essay online soon and I'll check the website suggested and I'll email whomever I should email. Thanks for the offered help, however I am in school now and do not have the essay saved on this desktop. I'll get back to you around 3pm cst.
thirtythree
Diamond Member
Since the Beginning << Ditch the title.
-----------Ten thousand screaming fans craving nothing less than the best concert they've ever seen. << Sentence fragment.
I sat on my drummer's throne and took a moment to gaze at the thunderous hoards of people cheering our name. << You already sound a bit conceited (e.g., "throne," "thunderous hoards," "cheering our name," "craving nothing less than the best concert they've ever seen"). I don't believe you're really that great, so I can't believe anything you say from here on. One hoard would probably be sufficient. When I read "my drummer's throne," I thought you weren't normally the drummer.
At that moment, I realized I've achieved if not what thousands, but millions of people's dreams. << "...what thousands, if not millions, of people dream of." It doesn't make any sense the way you have it worded.
We've traveled the road for years, and I thought we've reached our destination. << Mixing tenses. "I thought we'd reached" or "I think we've reached" will do.
Upon waking up to reality, I realized that the true stage of life is not set for the ten thousand screaming fans, but for myself. << What the ******? That was ridiculous, and that statement is trite and, frankly, doesn't make a lot of sense.
The road of which I travel begins at college, and the destination is far from known, but I intend for it to be the right path. << The road of which you travel? I don't know of any grand roads that begin at college. You might as well say "I've done nothing with my life so far, but I plan on starting in college." Quit being so wordy. "Far from known" = "unknown." Of course you intend for it to be the right path. That phrase sounds even worse than most of it.
-----------Since the beginning, I've always been a very serious and committed individual whose goals in life were to surpass those of my elders. << I don't get the impression that you're terribly serious so far. Again, you're talking like you're God or something ("whose goals in life were to surpass those of my elders").
I'm of course not saying their goals are by no means less significant. << Doesn't make any sense. Take "by no means" out or say "Of course, their goals are no less significant." Either way, I'd put "of course" at the beginning or end and set it off with commas.
I admire my parents, for example. << Err... okay.
They raised me to be a straightforward person, whose efforts were directed towards being very open and honest. << Quit talking about yourself like this. "Whose" always sounds awkward when you're talking about yourself (this is at least the second time you've used it. How 'bout "They raised me to be a straightforward and honest person"? Again, you're being too wordy.
When a problem became apparent, I would be the first one to notice it, and I would also be the one to fix it. << Being cocky again.
-----------During the years of my youth, I was lost without purpose. << Quit being so dramatic.
Until one day my father took me to one of his band practices. << Sentence fragment.
I watched with great interest, depicting the complexity of keeping five instruments sound together in harmony to create something appealing to the senses. << Look "depicting" up.
Watching the organization and determination required by my father and the other three. << "Watching the determination and organization exhibited by the group..."? This is a sentence fragment, FYI.
I was amazed to watch the drummer always find a middle ground, which previously had been dividing the other areas in the song. << I don't know what you're talking about when it comes to middle ground. Also, the way that's worded, we're led to believe that the middle ground had been dividing the other areas in the song. "Which" doesn't just magically apply to whatever you want it to, regardless of placement.
I, of course, was only seven at the time, but watching music become unified was something I would carry with me forever. << Why "of course"? "Become unified" sounds awkward to me as well.
-----------A few years later I received my first computer. << "A few years later, I..."?
It was old, run down with rust, a piece of metal that seemed like a waste of space. << "It was old and rusty, a piece of metal that seemed like a waste of space"? Or replace the comma with a ?. Or scrap the sentence altogether. Y'know, whatever...
It wasn't until I actually sat down with it before I realized its potential uses. << "before" > "that"
The years flew by, I was fifteen now. << Run-on. Why'd the years fly by?
I was building computers for a hobby. and making some money off of it too in fact. << Eee. Sentence fragment. I can't put my finger on it, but it seems like something's ****** up with the tenses between the last sentence and this one. Also, the second part of this sentence makes you sound cocky again.
In time, I learned how to be a more patient person, and learned the process of eliminating a problem can be just as gratifying, if not more, than finding the solution. << "learned the process" > "learned that the process." That's an awfully unoriginal thing to say, incidentally.
-----------I sat down during a lunch period with some friends and learned that they all excelled in one area or another through musical talent. << What the ******? Back to this? Glad you've moved on from talking about how great you are to talking about how great your friends are though...
It was only a matter of time before we all bought our own instruments and became a unified group of friends, as well as young artists. << I thought you were already friends... why don't you just say you became a band?
This brought me closer to my peers. << If you don't change the last sentence, you already said this.
It taught me how to come out a leader, a very determined individual, and taught me many valuable lessons that can be applied almost all aspects of life. << "come out a leader"? eroewlakfjsd;ljkfbmodjf This is all pretty poorly worded.
-----------I've learned to integrate my knowledge with computers and the art of playing the drums by using the qualities learned from both aspects and applying it to the real world. << "qualities" != "it." "Both aspects"? "Knowledge with" > "knowledge of." Take "the art of" out. And so forth. How have you applied this knowledge to the real world? What's this "real world" you speak of?
The experiences I've had, and the experiences that have yet come to pass, will always stay with me until I have reached my destination. << "yet come to pass" sounds nice and clunky. What's this elusive "destination" you speak of?
The road of which I travel has no limits. << "of which" > "that." This is also a very unoriginal thing to say.
The road I take begins with you. << Yeah... quit trying to be a poet.
All-in-all, I'd have no idea what you wanted to study if it weren't for your note at the end. The random input of computers doesn't take away from the essay; the essay takes away from what the essay should accomplish. You should perhaps talk about computers more and music less. I don't know what else to say... back to the drawing board? Why do you want to go to college? What do you want to study? Why? What about computers interested you? What're your plans for the future? What's the prompt for this essay anyway?
EDIT: One more thought. You make it sound like you really want to be a rockstar, but you're settling for this 'cause you couldn't make it. Not exactly a good thing to be advertising.
-----------Ten thousand screaming fans craving nothing less than the best concert they've ever seen. << Sentence fragment.
I sat on my drummer's throne and took a moment to gaze at the thunderous hoards of people cheering our name. << You already sound a bit conceited (e.g., "throne," "thunderous hoards," "cheering our name," "craving nothing less than the best concert they've ever seen"). I don't believe you're really that great, so I can't believe anything you say from here on. One hoard would probably be sufficient. When I read "my drummer's throne," I thought you weren't normally the drummer.
At that moment, I realized I've achieved if not what thousands, but millions of people's dreams. << "...what thousands, if not millions, of people dream of." It doesn't make any sense the way you have it worded.
We've traveled the road for years, and I thought we've reached our destination. << Mixing tenses. "I thought we'd reached" or "I think we've reached" will do.
Upon waking up to reality, I realized that the true stage of life is not set for the ten thousand screaming fans, but for myself. << What the ******? That was ridiculous, and that statement is trite and, frankly, doesn't make a lot of sense.
The road of which I travel begins at college, and the destination is far from known, but I intend for it to be the right path. << The road of which you travel? I don't know of any grand roads that begin at college. You might as well say "I've done nothing with my life so far, but I plan on starting in college." Quit being so wordy. "Far from known" = "unknown." Of course you intend for it to be the right path. That phrase sounds even worse than most of it.
-----------Since the beginning, I've always been a very serious and committed individual whose goals in life were to surpass those of my elders. << I don't get the impression that you're terribly serious so far. Again, you're talking like you're God or something ("whose goals in life were to surpass those of my elders").
I'm of course not saying their goals are by no means less significant. << Doesn't make any sense. Take "by no means" out or say "Of course, their goals are no less significant." Either way, I'd put "of course" at the beginning or end and set it off with commas.
I admire my parents, for example. << Err... okay.
They raised me to be a straightforward person, whose efforts were directed towards being very open and honest. << Quit talking about yourself like this. "Whose" always sounds awkward when you're talking about yourself (this is at least the second time you've used it. How 'bout "They raised me to be a straightforward and honest person"? Again, you're being too wordy.
When a problem became apparent, I would be the first one to notice it, and I would also be the one to fix it. << Being cocky again.
-----------During the years of my youth, I was lost without purpose. << Quit being so dramatic.
Until one day my father took me to one of his band practices. << Sentence fragment.
I watched with great interest, depicting the complexity of keeping five instruments sound together in harmony to create something appealing to the senses. << Look "depicting" up.
Watching the organization and determination required by my father and the other three. << "Watching the determination and organization exhibited by the group..."? This is a sentence fragment, FYI.
I was amazed to watch the drummer always find a middle ground, which previously had been dividing the other areas in the song. << I don't know what you're talking about when it comes to middle ground. Also, the way that's worded, we're led to believe that the middle ground had been dividing the other areas in the song. "Which" doesn't just magically apply to whatever you want it to, regardless of placement.
I, of course, was only seven at the time, but watching music become unified was something I would carry with me forever. << Why "of course"? "Become unified" sounds awkward to me as well.
-----------A few years later I received my first computer. << "A few years later, I..."?
It was old, run down with rust, a piece of metal that seemed like a waste of space. << "It was old and rusty, a piece of metal that seemed like a waste of space"? Or replace the comma with a ?. Or scrap the sentence altogether. Y'know, whatever...
It wasn't until I actually sat down with it before I realized its potential uses. << "before" > "that"
The years flew by, I was fifteen now. << Run-on. Why'd the years fly by?
I was building computers for a hobby. and making some money off of it too in fact. << Eee. Sentence fragment. I can't put my finger on it, but it seems like something's ****** up with the tenses between the last sentence and this one. Also, the second part of this sentence makes you sound cocky again.
In time, I learned how to be a more patient person, and learned the process of eliminating a problem can be just as gratifying, if not more, than finding the solution. << "learned the process" > "learned that the process." That's an awfully unoriginal thing to say, incidentally.
-----------I sat down during a lunch period with some friends and learned that they all excelled in one area or another through musical talent. << What the ******? Back to this? Glad you've moved on from talking about how great you are to talking about how great your friends are though...
It was only a matter of time before we all bought our own instruments and became a unified group of friends, as well as young artists. << I thought you were already friends... why don't you just say you became a band?
This brought me closer to my peers. << If you don't change the last sentence, you already said this.
It taught me how to come out a leader, a very determined individual, and taught me many valuable lessons that can be applied almost all aspects of life. << "come out a leader"? eroewlakfjsd;ljkfbmodjf This is all pretty poorly worded.
-----------I've learned to integrate my knowledge with computers and the art of playing the drums by using the qualities learned from both aspects and applying it to the real world. << "qualities" != "it." "Both aspects"? "Knowledge with" > "knowledge of." Take "the art of" out. And so forth. How have you applied this knowledge to the real world? What's this "real world" you speak of?
The experiences I've had, and the experiences that have yet come to pass, will always stay with me until I have reached my destination. << "yet come to pass" sounds nice and clunky. What's this elusive "destination" you speak of?
The road of which I travel has no limits. << "of which" > "that." This is also a very unoriginal thing to say.
The road I take begins with you. << Yeah... quit trying to be a poet.
All-in-all, I'd have no idea what you wanted to study if it weren't for your note at the end. The random input of computers doesn't take away from the essay; the essay takes away from what the essay should accomplish. You should perhaps talk about computers more and music less. I don't know what else to say... back to the drawing board? Why do you want to go to college? What do you want to study? Why? What about computers interested you? What're your plans for the future? What's the prompt for this essay anyway?
EDIT: One more thought. You make it sound like you really want to be a rockstar, but you're settling for this 'cause you couldn't make it. Not exactly a good thing to be advertising.
HaxorNubcake
Golden Member
just fyi,
tomorrow is spelled .... 'tomorrow' not tomarrow in case you plan on using it in your essay 😛
ok that was random and probably useless due to spell check but whatever. I'll see if I can make some semiconstructive comments later.
tomorrow is spelled .... 'tomorrow' not tomarrow in case you plan on using it in your essay 😛
ok that was random and probably useless due to spell check but whatever. I'll see if I can make some semiconstructive comments later.
thirtythree
Diamond Member
Sorry, perhaps I was a little harsh there, but it's good for you, I'm sure. Good luck.Originally posted by: Coldkilla
I'll just start over :/
NEW ESSAY: Please tell me wether or not its even worthy before anything is edited because if its pointless like the last one just say so. Otherwise, any corrections are greatly appreciated. Thanks again!
-------------------------------------------------
Drumming, to me, is a world away from just music. I have probably learned more valuable lessons from it than from my school.
When I created my band last year, I had no idea what to expect. Even though I?ve been around music my whole life, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to embark upon. My band has been working non-stop for over three years now in our basement having my father coach us, and we see a bright future ahead.
See, drumming is more of a mental skill than anything else, so playing until I could barely lift a drumstick wasn?t about getting into shape. We would push our minds by playing as long as we could even if we felt like we were going to kill each other. On the threshold, I was immature and only thought of myself, sometimes even giving up when I was tired or hurting. Then after a year of playing with the band, we broke up. Imagine working towards something, putting your heart and soul into it. Intending to make it last forever, and have it only last over a year! We lost our singer and it took us 4 months to find another one.
Obviously, my hopes for the band had faded, but this actually helped me realize that since you never know when that last song will be played, you should always press on and continue your passion, in drumming and in life.
After the band rejoined a few months later, I decided to always give it my all. Playing the drums has taught me so much more than which ?drum? I should hit first, or how fast should I play a particular part of a song. I learned to think about setting my priorities straight, and realized how important giving it your all is. Being with all my friends, even sweating and bleeding with them, really made us bond, as a band of hard-working young men who I know will succeed in life too.
Drumming is more than just being in a band. It?s about laying the groundwork to build up their work ethic and character for the rest of their lives.
One thing my father always says is, ?Imagine that you have played a three hour show, and a record company CEO enters the room. Are you going to stand there and let yourselves go unnoticed?? The answer, of course, is no, because you can always put it in another gear even if you think you need to give up. This to me means that you can always control your attitude and effort. So, no matter what, if you think highly of yourself and always give it your all, you will have no regrets. I see this college as the groundwork towards something that will make me think that education is more than just pen and paper and I will give it my all.
---------------------------------
Other Stats to consider:
1. I am in top15% of my class (as of junior year- im senior now)
2. ACT: 20
3. College Applications Sent to:
---1. (2-3) State Schools (Wisconsin), UWMilwaukee, UW Madison.
---2. (1) Private College (Wisconsin), MSOE
Now I am going in for computer programming/data analysis but if there is something on the application that would 'ease' the transition from the filled in ovals on the application to an essay that deals with drums. Personally I know very little about computers, I've built two, but thats not the point. I'd like to use this essay if at all possible because these essays take some serious time away from the day lol
-------------------------------------------------
Drumming, to me, is a world away from just music. I have probably learned more valuable lessons from it than from my school.
When I created my band last year, I had no idea what to expect. Even though I?ve been around music my whole life, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to embark upon. My band has been working non-stop for over three years now in our basement having my father coach us, and we see a bright future ahead.
See, drumming is more of a mental skill than anything else, so playing until I could barely lift a drumstick wasn?t about getting into shape. We would push our minds by playing as long as we could even if we felt like we were going to kill each other. On the threshold, I was immature and only thought of myself, sometimes even giving up when I was tired or hurting. Then after a year of playing with the band, we broke up. Imagine working towards something, putting your heart and soul into it. Intending to make it last forever, and have it only last over a year! We lost our singer and it took us 4 months to find another one.
Obviously, my hopes for the band had faded, but this actually helped me realize that since you never know when that last song will be played, you should always press on and continue your passion, in drumming and in life.
After the band rejoined a few months later, I decided to always give it my all. Playing the drums has taught me so much more than which ?drum? I should hit first, or how fast should I play a particular part of a song. I learned to think about setting my priorities straight, and realized how important giving it your all is. Being with all my friends, even sweating and bleeding with them, really made us bond, as a band of hard-working young men who I know will succeed in life too.
Drumming is more than just being in a band. It?s about laying the groundwork to build up their work ethic and character for the rest of their lives.
One thing my father always says is, ?Imagine that you have played a three hour show, and a record company CEO enters the room. Are you going to stand there and let yourselves go unnoticed?? The answer, of course, is no, because you can always put it in another gear even if you think you need to give up. This to me means that you can always control your attitude and effort. So, no matter what, if you think highly of yourself and always give it your all, you will have no regrets. I see this college as the groundwork towards something that will make me think that education is more than just pen and paper and I will give it my all.
---------------------------------
Other Stats to consider:
1. I am in top15% of my class (as of junior year- im senior now)
2. ACT: 20
3. College Applications Sent to:
---1. (2-3) State Schools (Wisconsin), UWMilwaukee, UW Madison.
---2. (1) Private College (Wisconsin), MSOE
Now I am going in for computer programming/data analysis but if there is something on the application that would 'ease' the transition from the filled in ovals on the application to an essay that deals with drums. Personally I know very little about computers, I've built two, but thats not the point. I'd like to use this essay if at all possible because these essays take some serious time away from the day lol
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