- Apr 14, 2001
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Civics Lesson
DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor had none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a
tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to
raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the
tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how
to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a
herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point
you have to sell both to support a man in a
foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,
and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself
and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the
milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops
dead.
You spin and announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want
three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond,
drink lots of beer, give excellent quality
milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13
weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know
where they are.
While ambling around, you see a
beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn that you have five
cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in
the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan,
which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot
touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you
have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S.
bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking cow.
Some of the people who like the brown
one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to
vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-
state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be
the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat
cow from Arkansas.
DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor had none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a
tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to
raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the
tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how
to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a
herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point
you have to sell both to support a man in a
foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,
and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself
and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the
milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops
dead.
You spin and announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want
three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond,
drink lots of beer, give excellent quality
milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13
weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know
where they are.
While ambling around, you see a
beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn that you have five
cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in
the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan,
which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot
touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you
have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S.
bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking cow.
Some of the people who like the brown
one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to
vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-
state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be
the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat
cow from Arkansas.
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