1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
3. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This of course, to limit his strength & mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
10. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
11. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
12. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
13. In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
14. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
15. Chuck norris flew back in time using a secret technique tought to him by bruce lee. There he roundhouse kicked leonardo da vinci and stole his plans to a machine leonardo has been working on his whole life. That machine was the total gym.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
17. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $%&# with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
18. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
21. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
22. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
23. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
24. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
25. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
26. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
27. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living poo out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
28. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
29. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
31. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.
32. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
33. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
34. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
35. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
36. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
3. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This of course, to limit his strength & mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
10. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
11. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
12. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
13. In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
14. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
15. Chuck norris flew back in time using a secret technique tought to him by bruce lee. There he roundhouse kicked leonardo da vinci and stole his plans to a machine leonardo has been working on his whole life. That machine was the total gym.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
17. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $%&# with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
18. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
19. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
20. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
21. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
22. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
23. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
24. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
25. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
26. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
27. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living poo out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
28. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
29. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
30. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
31. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.
32. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
33. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
34. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
35. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
36. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
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