NuclearNed
Raconteur
The union where I work is on strike. As a result, a lot of the salaried employees like me are being trained to work the production jobs until the strike is resolved. Considering where I work, it is a reasonable expectation that production training takes something in the neighborhood of 10 weeks.
So for the past couple of weeks I've been sitting in a classroom, "enjoying" reading the best operational procedures that the intellectual pinheads upstairs can produce. If you don't know what an operational procedure is, just imagine a document that is only slightly more interesting than reading the many uses of a can of shoe polish.
There are procedures for proper use of the water fountain. There are procedures telling what to wear, how to wear it, and when to wear it. There are procedures detailing how to use various machines. There are procedures for logging onto your pc. There are procedures detailing when to use the restroom. There are procedures explaining when and how I can talk to the opposite sex. There are procedures for knowing how to read procedures. There are procedures for reading procedures that tell how to read procedures. There are procedures detailing the correct uses of toilet paper. There are procedures for cleaning up vomit. There are procedures that teach how to fill out paperwork. There is paperwork you have to fill out for reading procedures. There are procedures detailing the proper areas where gum can be chewed. There are procedures for knowing when you are using the internet improperly. There are procedures telling what to do in the event that it is raining/snowing/sunning/mooning/earthquaking/volcanoing/raining fire from the sky. There are procedures for not murdering your coworkers when they drop a full fifty gallon drum on your foot. There are procedures detailing how to get an elephant to mate with a pig. There are procedures that show how to safely open doors. There are procedures that explain how to reduce eye strain when reading long lists. There are procedures explaining that I'm likely to die at any time due to the various hazardous chemicals that are used to clean the toilets. There are procedures that tell how to work more than one shift. There are procedures that tell that I won't be getting any extra pay for working more than one shift. There are procedures that demand that we pay homage to Xenu, master of the universe. There are procedures that teach how to take a bullet for the company ceo. There are procedures that demand that we stay at our work positions in the event of the Rapture. There are procedures that tell how to stay awake while reading mind-numbing procedures. There are procedures that exist for no other reason than to sap us of our individuality and our will to live. There are procedures for not drinking while on the job. There are procedures for not drinking while you are at home. There are procedures for even thinking about drinking while on the job. There are procedures for snitching on your coworkers if you think they have had a drink on the job. There are procedures for pretending that your supervisor never comes in drunk.
ad nauseum.
To give our teacher a little credit, he is an old-timer who has worked here forever, and he has an entertaining story for every procedure. Most of the stories are along the line of "I remember Bob Bobson - back in '73 he stuck his head in the compressor and got it crushed, which is why we now have this procedure."
I think the gorilla scenario is starting to look kind of nice...
So for the past couple of weeks I've been sitting in a classroom, "enjoying" reading the best operational procedures that the intellectual pinheads upstairs can produce. If you don't know what an operational procedure is, just imagine a document that is only slightly more interesting than reading the many uses of a can of shoe polish.
There are procedures for proper use of the water fountain. There are procedures telling what to wear, how to wear it, and when to wear it. There are procedures detailing how to use various machines. There are procedures for logging onto your pc. There are procedures detailing when to use the restroom. There are procedures explaining when and how I can talk to the opposite sex. There are procedures for knowing how to read procedures. There are procedures for reading procedures that tell how to read procedures. There are procedures detailing the correct uses of toilet paper. There are procedures for cleaning up vomit. There are procedures that teach how to fill out paperwork. There is paperwork you have to fill out for reading procedures. There are procedures detailing the proper areas where gum can be chewed. There are procedures for knowing when you are using the internet improperly. There are procedures telling what to do in the event that it is raining/snowing/sunning/mooning/earthquaking/volcanoing/raining fire from the sky. There are procedures for not murdering your coworkers when they drop a full fifty gallon drum on your foot. There are procedures detailing how to get an elephant to mate with a pig. There are procedures that show how to safely open doors. There are procedures that explain how to reduce eye strain when reading long lists. There are procedures explaining that I'm likely to die at any time due to the various hazardous chemicals that are used to clean the toilets. There are procedures that tell how to work more than one shift. There are procedures that tell that I won't be getting any extra pay for working more than one shift. There are procedures that demand that we pay homage to Xenu, master of the universe. There are procedures that teach how to take a bullet for the company ceo. There are procedures that demand that we stay at our work positions in the event of the Rapture. There are procedures that tell how to stay awake while reading mind-numbing procedures. There are procedures that exist for no other reason than to sap us of our individuality and our will to live. There are procedures for not drinking while on the job. There are procedures for not drinking while you are at home. There are procedures for even thinking about drinking while on the job. There are procedures for snitching on your coworkers if you think they have had a drink on the job. There are procedures for pretending that your supervisor never comes in drunk.
ad nauseum.
To give our teacher a little credit, he is an old-timer who has worked here forever, and he has an entertaining story for every procedure. Most of the stories are along the line of "I remember Bob Bobson - back in '73 he stuck his head in the compressor and got it crushed, which is why we now have this procedure."
I think the gorilla scenario is starting to look kind of nice...
:beer:
