CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without tears of
laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no
hope for you! * Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original Judge #3
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shlt, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shlt-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 I shlt myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shlt to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
If you can read this whole story without tears of
laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no
hope for you! * Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better! For those
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original Judge #3
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shlt, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shlt-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 I shlt myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shlt to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
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