Haven’t been around much lately... my last scans mid Sept were good, all is stable, cancer in the lymph nodes under the arm is still there but under control. The two nodes in the lungs stable since 2015. Other organs good, nothing new. The seven chronic infarcts in my brain are still there but no metastasis to the brain.
No, I’m not here lately because I’m angry & don’t want to inflict myself on nice folks. Why am I angry? I guess I don’t know really. I have been fortunate enough to live 5 years with a metastatic cancer that normally would have killed me in about a year. My employer accommodated me with a new job due to my disability. I get top notch medical care, have insurance, a place to live etc.
I guess I am angry because I have cancer on my shoulder 24/7 ,even on good days it lurks in the back of my mind. Can’t just get a simple headache or a cold like normal people do without worry. My thyroid left the building years ago and I have about 40 pounds that aren’t leaving anytime soon
. The chronic runny nose, inflammation of the eyes, chronic joint pain & constant fatigue as treatment side effects wear on me.
And then there’s the money thing... new job title is good ..but I am basically red circled, no raises & costs for things like my health insurance go up yearly. Rent increased over $400 a month. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful but worried. Early withdrawals to make up the income shortfall are basically over.. I have enough left to handle my final expenses and a bit extra for the family but that’s it. I leave behind a disabled adult son with Autism who’s had a tough time trying to get & keep a job.
Oh & let’s not forget that life review stuff where you dream/ think about every crappy thing you ever did/said/ thought over your lifetime...
I am weary, tired, I miss my life, I miss my old job, I miss tech review. Worry tends to consume me...
Thanks if you read through to this point, I am trying to handle my anger in appropriate ways & figured admitting it would be a good step as would figuring out the emotions driving the anger... fear is probably number one...loneliness is probably number 2. Almost every cancer patient I have grown to really like has passed away. Healthy friends have their own lives and problems.
Not sure if anyone can relate but this anger thing is really uncomfortable, I try to be grateful and positive...but after awhile...well it gets hard, to quote some old saying “ even cowgirls get the blues “ and I guess that’s me.
Thanks, just posting this, the act of admitting my anger has been useful & anyone who has read this has helped me.
Btw, I am totally safe, not depressed, no thoughts of self harm, just angry & felt that admitting that would help &. I think it has. Now to go hug a 17 pound cat who loves me unconditionally
No, I’m not here lately because I’m angry & don’t want to inflict myself on nice folks. Why am I angry? I guess I don’t know really. I have been fortunate enough to live 5 years with a metastatic cancer that normally would have killed me in about a year. My employer accommodated me with a new job due to my disability. I get top notch medical care, have insurance, a place to live etc.
I guess I am angry because I have cancer on my shoulder 24/7 ,even on good days it lurks in the back of my mind. Can’t just get a simple headache or a cold like normal people do without worry. My thyroid left the building years ago and I have about 40 pounds that aren’t leaving anytime soon
And then there’s the money thing... new job title is good ..but I am basically red circled, no raises & costs for things like my health insurance go up yearly. Rent increased over $400 a month. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful but worried. Early withdrawals to make up the income shortfall are basically over.. I have enough left to handle my final expenses and a bit extra for the family but that’s it. I leave behind a disabled adult son with Autism who’s had a tough time trying to get & keep a job.
Oh & let’s not forget that life review stuff where you dream/ think about every crappy thing you ever did/said/ thought over your lifetime...
I am weary, tired, I miss my life, I miss my old job, I miss tech review. Worry tends to consume me...
Thanks if you read through to this point, I am trying to handle my anger in appropriate ways & figured admitting it would be a good step as would figuring out the emotions driving the anger... fear is probably number one...loneliness is probably number 2. Almost every cancer patient I have grown to really like has passed away. Healthy friends have their own lives and problems.
Not sure if anyone can relate but this anger thing is really uncomfortable, I try to be grateful and positive...but after awhile...well it gets hard, to quote some old saying “ even cowgirls get the blues “ and I guess that’s me.
Thanks, just posting this, the act of admitting my anger has been useful & anyone who has read this has helped me.
Btw, I am totally safe, not depressed, no thoughts of self harm, just angry & felt that admitting that would help &. I think it has. Now to go hug a 17 pound cat who loves me unconditionally
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