Can someone help me edit my personal essay?

[iluvtruenos]

Since I had to leave in a rush on Thursday due to family issues, I completely forgot about my personal essay for UIUC/UIC.

I've managed to write it, but the deadline for my HS counselor is Monday, and I need it checked over.

I know there's a guy here with a sig that says that he helps with papers, but I don't know who he is.

Anyway, here's the essay:

----------------------------------------------

Untitled (Need a title, anyone have any advice?)

Seeing the massive yellow excavator in a million pieces, my mom
instantly knew that I had done it. However, what shocked her even more
was that an hour later, that same three foot tall excavator was put
back together by a boy no taller than the machine.
As a toddler, I was fascinated by taking things apart and putting them
back together. I would spend hours sitting in the living room, my two
boxes of Lego blocks all around me building the most complex thing
that came to my four year old mind. After a few years, I would create
such advanced toys that the Lego shop across the street would gladly
display them as to what can be done with some pieces and a little
imagination. My love for Lego soon morphed into robotics, and I
participated for the first time in Science Olympiad in the eight
grade. Being an alternate, I did not really do much, but when I
decided to join again my Sophomore year in high school, I would have
the task of building a robot to face off against other people in a
competition to see who would be able to move the most objects across a
playing field with the robot being smaller than the actual goal post..
Coming back home without a medal made me determined to win next year.
I took meticulous notes on other team's designs, and with some
thinking, I was able to create a machine capable of qualifying for
first place. However, at the end of my Junior year, I decided that
although interesting, robotics is just a hobby, and I became bored of
it.
Utilizing the small patch of land in the backyard, I planted
cucumbers, grape tomatoes, and chili peppers. After following a strict
watering system devised for the biggest yields, I was rewarded with
enough vegetables to last us until October. At the same time, my love
for computers reignited, and I decided to get my A+ certification,
which is one of my first professional qualifications. After studying
for a month, I took the test in July, and was hired as a computer
technician in a large computer store chain. As happy as I am with my
current job, I know that I will not stop here. I will continue to work
to achieve greater accomplishments, and always strive to be the best
in the field.

-------------------------------------

 

[Shalimar The Clown]

Merry Christmas.



Seeing the massive yellow excavator in a million pieces, my mom instantly knew that I was the culprit. However, what shocked her even more was that an hour later, a boy no taller than the machine put that same three-foot tall excavator back together. When I was a toddler, taking things apart and putting them back together fascinated me. I would spend hours sitting in the living room, with two boxes of Lego blocks all around me, building the most complex thing that came to my four-year-old mind. After a few years, I created such advanced toys that the Lego shop across the street gladly displayed them as examples of what could be done with some Lego pieces and a little imagination. My love for Lego blocks soon morphed into robotics, and I participated, for the first time, in Science Olympiad in the eighth grade. In my sophomore year, I got the chance to build a robot for a competition. The object was to see who would be able to move the most objects across a playing field, with the robot being smaller than the actual goal post. There was no medal for me that year, but I was determined to win one in the next. I took meticulous notes on other team's designs, and with some thinking, I was able to create a machine capable of qualifying for first place. However, at the end of my junior year, I felt myself getting bored. I decided that, although interesting, robotics could be nothing more than just a hobby to me.

Utilizing a small patch of land in the backyard, I planted cucumbers, grape tomatoes, and chili peppers. After following a strict watering system, devised for the biggest yields, my garden rewarded me with enough vegetables to last us until October. At the same time, my love for computers reignited. I decided to get my A+ certification, the first of my professional qualifications. After studying for a month, I took the test in July. Soon after, a large computer store chain hired me as a technician. As happy as I am with my current job, I know that I will not stop here. I will continue to work, achieve greater accomplishments, and always strive to be the best in the field.

 

[iluvtruenos]

Thanks.


One last bump before sending it out.

Edit2:


-------------------------------------------

Building my life.

Seeing the massive yellow excavator in a million pieces, my mom instantly knew that I was the culprit. However, what shocked her even more was that an hour later, a boy no taller than the machine put that same three-foot tall excavator back together.
As a toddler, taking things apart and putting them back together fascinated me. I would spend hours sitting in the living room, with two boxes of Lego blocks all around me, building the most complex thing that came to my four-year-old mind. After a few years, I created such advanced toys that the Lego shop across the street gladly showcased them as examples of what could be done with some Lego pieces and a little imagination. My love for Lego blocks soon morphed into robotics, and I participated, for the first time, in Science Olympiad in the eighth grade. In my sophomore year, I got the chance to build a robot for a competition. The object was to see who would be able to move the most objects across a playing field, with the robot being smaller than the actual goal container. There was no medal for me that year, but I was determined to win one in the next. I took meticulous notes on other team's designs, and with some thinking, I was able to create a machine capable of qualifying for first place. However, at the end of my junior year, I felt myself getting bored. I decided that, although interesting, robotics could be nothing more than just a hobby to me. With summer just around the corner, I decided on a new hobby: gardening.
Utilizing a small patch of land in the backyard, I planted cucumbers, grape tomatoes, and chili peppers. After following a strict watering system, devised for the biggest yields, my garden rewarded me with enough vegetables to last my family until October. At the same time, my love for computers reignited. I decided to get my A+ certification, the first of my professional qualifications. After studying for a month, I took the test in July. Soon after, a large computer store chain hired me as a technician. As happy as I am with my current job, I know that I will not stop here. I will continue to work, achieve greater accomplishments, and always strive to be the best in the field.