Can anyone one here find the the MAD/Cracked version of Twas the Night Before Christmas

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by funboy6942, Dec 4, 2008.

  1. funboy6942

    funboy6942 Lifer

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    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rooms, not a creature was stirring, we were all out of spoons.

    The Children were hung on the Chimney with care, in hopes Jack the Ripper would soon be there.

    The baby was snug all nestled in her bed, while termites and spiders crawled over her head.

    I in my cap and Mom in her Gown, as we both went to bed and about to get down.

    When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the loft and fell down the ladder.

    Away to the window, I went like the flash, tore open the shutters and threw up on the sash.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a fat ass in a sleigh being pulled by some deer.

    Up to the house top the deer did flew, while Santa got higher sniffing on glue.


    But after that, its pretty much all I remember, there is something about him sticking his finger up his nose and more crazy crap like that, but it was either in a mad or cracked mag, and back when I was a kid. I googled it, found another guy from a few years ago looking for it too, but nothing more then this. Is anyone the super god in finding stuff on the net, and think they can find the entire thing??

    I hope so, there is a shinny quarter for you if you do :)

    Or we call all just say the hell with it, and you all can add to what I just wrote and we can finish it off and make it ours :eek:
     
  2. Poulsonator

    Poulsonator Golden Member

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    Frank Jacobs was the writer who brilliantly parodied poems, musicals, old songs, etc. He did 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' four times, I believe, but none are what you wrote above.

    As that other person who's looking for exactly what you are pointed out, this is definitely not from MAD magazine. I'm still on the hunt, so I'll let you know if I find anything else out.
     
  3. rudeguy

    rudeguy Lifer

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    I believe you are looking for Al Jaffee's Night Before Christmas. It was in issue #228.



    Text
     
  4. funboy6942

    funboy6942 Lifer

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    Your find would put it around that year im thinking it would of come out, but then the other guy says there is no way it came from mad, so Im not sure now what to think of where I got it, for I know I read just a few things growing up, one of which was Charlie Brown, and I dont see old Charlie and Snoopy putting Christmas that way. Then Garfield, The dark Side, Mad, and Cracked. Thats pretty much all I read, OH and the books, that I cant find anymore, and dont remember the name, but you would read them get to a point in the book, and given 2 choices as to where to go that would change the outcome of the story line. Like to find those again and give to my oldest to see what he would think of it, I think he would like that kind of book to read.
     
  5. rudeguy

    rudeguy Lifer

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    I read Mad religiously growing up. My post was just a quick search. Let me do some more digging.
     
  6. rudeguy

    rudeguy Lifer

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    Text

    About half way down.
     
  7. funboy6942

    funboy6942 Lifer

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    Maybe Im missing it, I just didnt see the version I remember. I know what I wrote was how it went for my father found it and took my mag away from me for it was "inappropriate" for my age he said.
     
  8. nakedfrog

    nakedfrog Lifer

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    The way you remember it makes it sound more like Cracked to me.
     
  9. rudeguy

    rudeguy Lifer

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    Maybe so. I didn't read the OP 100%. I just saw Mad and Night Before Christmas.
     
  10. NCNETGUY

    NCNETGUY Junior Member

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    "Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru the rooms,
    Not a creature was stirring, (we were all out of spoons).
    The children were hung, by the chimney with care
    in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
    Grandma was nestled all snug in her bed
    drinking shots of Jack Daniels, eyes glassy and red.
    Me with my jimmy, and Ma in her gown
    had just settled in and were about to get down.
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like the Flash,
    tore open the shutter, threw up on the sash.
    When what to my wondering eyes did I see
    but a sleigh with some deer crashing into my tree.
    With a drunken old driver blowing chunks as if sick
    I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
    More rapid than turtles his coursers they came
    and he screamed and he shouted and he called them bad names.
    “Go Beavis- go Butthead- Buttofucco and Vixen
    on Comet- on Ajax- on Windex and Nixon!”
    “To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall
    now bash away, crash away, smash away all!”
    And then on my roof came the whole blasted herd
    they stomped and they pee’d and they dropped their deer turds.
    As I grabbed my ol’ shotgun and was turning around
    down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
    Dressed like a bum from his head to his foot
    I cocked back my rifle and said, “Halt you old coot!”
    A bundle of toys he had flung on his back
    and in his pocket a bottle in a brown paper sack.
    His eyes- oh how bloodshot, his ears- oh how hairy
    his nose was quite bulbous and as red as a cherry.
    His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
    and the teeth there inside were the darkest of coal.
    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth
    and it gave off the smell of a peculiar strange leaf.
    He was haggard and stoned- a right sorry old elf
    and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
    He flipped me the bird and went straight to his work
    then emptied my stockings and called me a jerk.
    Then laying his finger inside of his nose
    a bright yellow mucus out of his nostrils he blows.
    He staggered to his sleigh and to his team gave a shout
    “Come along boys, let’s get the hell out!”
    And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
    “Merry Christmas dumb schmucks, and to all a good night!” ​