Can an interfaith relationship really work?

[imported_Tomato]

My friend Liz has been dating this guy named Henry since we were juniors in high school. She's in her second year of med school now, and they've been together for almost six years. The problem is their respective religions. Liz and her family are Catholic, and Henry and his family are Jewish. Both families are very devout and very set in their ways.

Liz's family doesn't care for Henry because he's Jewish, but they have met him (however grudgingly). Henry's family, on the other hand, refuses to have anything to do with Liz. They purposely exclude her from family functions (Henry's parents recently celebrated their 20th anniversary with over 400 people, and Liz was not invited) and refuse to acknowledge her even though their son has been with her for over half a decade.

For the longest time, Liz and Henry have held onto the "Love will overcome all" ideology, but their relationship has become strained because of the family situation. Both are very close to their families, and both highly respect their parents and their parents wishes (obviously not to the fullest extent, but still). She called me up crying and asked for advice... she's very hurt knowing she'll never be accepted into his family, and she can't imagine marrying him without both his and her family's consent. She wanted to know if it could work out, it it could ever work out... the relationship is almost perfect in every way except for the family/religion situation.

Can anyone relate to their situation? If so, how did it work out?

Peace,
Dezign

 

[BoberFett]

Doesn't work. Move on.

 

[spaceman]

id say flip a coin and have one of them convert.

 

[melly]

they work. next question.

 

[OREOSpeedwagon]

Originally posted by: ncircle
id say flip a coin and have one of them convert.

 

[her209]

It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Putty is making fun of Elaine because she is going to hell and Elaine is yelling at Putty because he doesn't care that she is going to hell. If neither party is willing to compromise then both will lose in the end.

 

[HappyPuppy]

Unless one of them converts, and I don't mean just for the relationship but because they "have seen the light", it's doubtful it would work. You say they are both very devout. Next time you talk to either one of them ask which religion their children would be raised in. Their religions are mutually exclusive.

 

[Isla]

My husband's family (White, Southern, Protestants who are VERY religious) look down on my family (Spanish Catholic background, not very religious at all) and basically we have to do two of everything because my family can't stand being treated like dirt (and shouldn't be!). I have had to fight for every shred of self respect I have because ultimately, my husband has shared his family's attitudes, even if only subconsciously.

I think it has a lot more to do with racism than anything else, and if I were your friend Liz, I'd think long and hard about making a committment to a life of potential heartache.

<----been there, done that, wish I had known then what I know now.

 

[loup garou]

My gf is Jewish and I am Catholic and we've been "working" just fine. Then again, neither of us is what you'd call "devout" and her father is Protestant anyways, so....

 

[Isla]

BTW, it's the devout part that is a problem. Like werk pointed out... if religion isn't a big deal, then it won't matter.

The problem is when it IS a big deal.

I converted (became a born-again Christian because, apparently, Catholics are not 'real' Christians) and it was the STUPIDIST move I could have made.

You see... I validated all their BS and it just made it OBVIOUS to them that I was from an inferior background since I chose their 'superior' way.

Liz's situation sounds like it could be trouble.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Isla, I think your situation most closely mirrors what Liz is going through. As easy as it may be to tell her to follow her heart... I think this situation could potentially lead to much greater heartache, as you described. As a friend, I'm going to advise her to cut her losses (I know that sounds terrible) tonight and see what happens. Sad situation.

Peace,
Dezign

 

[melly]

who's dating who here, are they dating each other or are they dating each other's families? if you're lucky you will find that special person once in a lifetime. i think they should stand up to their families and tell them to butt out. the important thing is that they're treating each other well, that they make each other happy, etc etc.

 

[Isla]

You're a good friend, Dezign

Liz needs to hear that, no matter how much she and Henry might love each other, what they have on their hands is a family feud that isn't going to go away. (edit) The 'love conquers all' is a sweet sentiment but when it comes down to it, the reality is every Thanksgiving, every holiday, every special event will be filled with stress because of the culture clash. It WILL wear on them... as you have said, it already has. Being ripped apart between your partner and your family is NOT a pretty thing. They could always just tell their families to f* off... but that's one hell of a sacrifice they might regret later.

I hope she listens!

 

[Kenazo]

like was stated both of these religions are exclusive religions that believe that all other religions are wrong. If that is the case, how could either of them date each other all the while believing that the other person is going to hell. If they believe that, how could they not be insistant that the other party change their religion to their own? Thus, i think in the end it won't work out either w/o them both becomming of the same faith (one of the original two, or some other faith)

 

[Electric Amish]

It depends....

Is the love more important than religion. If not, they're suckers and should move on.

amish

 

[rgwalt]

What I find hard to believe is that the two families are unable to consider the happiness of their own children over their religious beliefs. So many families do this, and it is rediculous. My ex's parents were ready to disown her when she and I started dating. My parents couldn't care less who I brought home... When I went to college, my mom told me that I could bring friends, girlfriends, or boyfriends home, and that it didn't matter what lifestyle I chose for myself. Now, I have different beliefs and values than my parents, but I refuse to run my children's lives once they are old enough to make decisions for themselves.

Ryan

 

[zippy]

Originally posted by: Kenazo
like was stated both of these religions are exclusive religions that believe that all other religions are wrong.

So are virtually all religions. It's whether one actually subscribes to that tenet or not that this issue a sticky one.

 

[Kenazo]

exactly.

 

[SuperTool]

Not sure. Probably it's not going to work long term. Speaking from personal family experience here.
Also, if they ever have kids, the kids will feel like whatever religion they pick would be a sign of preference for one parent over another. So most likely they will be atheist like me.
Also, the kid would not be Jewish, because mother has to be Jewish for that. Not sure if the mother's nationality is passed through father. But you could have a kid with no nationality and no religion.
Aside from kids, many arguments will eventually turn to "That's a Jewish/Catholic thing", and of course the families will add "I told you so" to every argument. So it's probably not going to work. Everything can happen, of course, look at Lenny Kravitz

 

[bonk102]

Originally posted by: caramel
they work. next question.

exactly

 

[rahvin]

The real question is can Liz and Henry resolve their own religious differences? If they can, can they then tell their families to stay the hell out of their lives and have each person defend the other to their parents. It's amazing how accomidating parents can be once they are denied access to grandchildren because of the way they treat the children's spouse.

 

[Kev]

My aunt was a devout Catholic and my uncle is a devout, devout, devout Jew, they were married for about 30 years until my aunt died. They were both very active in their faith communities. Interfaith relationships can be very tough, especially with stubborn parents, but the definitely can work.

 

[hdeck]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It depends....

Is the love more important than religion. If not, they're suckers and should move on.

amish

your name is amish and you sound atheist...how funny

seriously, listen to isla. it's going to cause nothing but problems down the road.

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: hdeck

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It depends....

Is the love more important than religion. If not, they're suckers and should move on.

amish

your name is amish and you sound atheist...how funny

seriously, listen to isla. it's going to cause nothing but problems down the road.

Wow, an oxymoron, kinda like his name. WOOOOWWWW.

 

[dolph]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
It depends....

Is the love more important than religion. If not, they're suckers and should move on.

amish

wow, that's incredibly callous. and laughably simple. is it only about their own religious beliefs? what about their families? the question should be, is their relationship more important than cutting off everyone related to them and rejecting every religious idea they have? they aren't suckers if it's not. they need to weigh both sides of the issue and decid what is ultimately more important to them. whereas it is entirely possible for two people from two different religions to be in love, marry, and have a wonderful life together, it is still done with considerable effort. furthermore, if either of the two parties have any family at all who hold religious convictions, it becomes much more strained. add a child into the situation, and it's virtually impossible. dezign, i truly feel sorry for your friends, but if they continue they're going to have a life of pain.

for the record, my jewish friend has a saying for how he deals with the potential conflict of marrying a non-jewish girl: "if i don't date them, i won't marry them." it's probably spared him untold amounts of grief, and he's now happily married with a woman he loves.