Buy the motorcycle

[satyajitmenon]

that beat up Chong Li

What’s the best way to sell a motorcycle? With lots of specs? A review? Comparisons? No! You compare it to action superstar JC (yea, we’re tight like that) Van Damme, and point out how this bike is superior to Sly Stallone.


Have you seen the greatest example of modern cinema, Bloodsport? You haven’t?! It’s the paramount example of finely-tailored acting and writing, carried along on a foundation of realistic fighting that follows the laws of physics perfectly. Know how every street fight involves leaping into the air, doing the splits, and making minimal-yet-totally-lethal contact with your big toe? Where do you think that started? And you know how every famous American martial artist has a thick French accent? Right, like Chuck Norris and the Karate Child? That started here too.


In case you never took 3rd level AP English at the finest private schools Mass. has to offer, here’s the plot of Bloodsport: US army dude Frank Dux lives in Japan, where he is learning to do the splits and punch things at the same time, no doubt preparing for a future as a surgeon. He gets invited to the biggest underground street fight ever, the Kumite, overcomes the odds, and (*SHOCKING SPOILER*) wins. He fights while blinded, in slow-motion, and even earns extra cash by doing the splits mid-fight, thereby gaining the financial favors of the rare underground street-fight betting homosexual.


Now, how can one use this film to sell their 2008 Kawasaki ZX-6R motorcycle? Uh, easily and with a 100% success rate of course. Make the jump to see the newest ad in what is quickly becoming our favorite way to sell a vehicle; using sarcasm and hyper-masculinity. We can’t get enough of these. Sure, you learn nothing about the product’s specs. But what you do learn is Buy this bike and titties will get stuck in your teeth like flie!



Some of you might remember The Manliest Pathfinder Ever. This was an ad for a Nissan Pathfinder. Included with the car (among other things) was First-Aid whiskey and gold MC Hammer pants. Sold.


That’s how you sell something. Give the people a story and a few bonus items thrown in. Did 3rd-degree super ninja-warriors really engineer that Pathfinder? Yes Inconsequential. All that matters is that the buyer thinks they did.


Regarding the sale of a 4 year old yellow motorcycle, the approach is the same. Think of these ads like a silent monster truck radio ad. Note the red background so bright Ray Charles would turn down the monitor’s contrast. BAM. In your face, grabbing your attention. “Red is powerful, this ad is red, this bike must be amazing!”You got their attention, time to pitch the features list:


Color:

Yellow on a pretty girl is good. On Bruno, it’s bad. But this bike isn’t Bruno, motherfucker! It’s the pretty girl! Can’t you see that?! Look at those gauges, fairings, and mirrors. Do any of those things actually relate to any body part? Doesn’t matter! It’s about triggering the emotions of a buyer’s mind. Carl’s Jr. ads show hot chicks eating messy burgers. Why? Sex. “But, sex….so I should fuck the burger?” If you want! All we know at Carl’s Jr. is, whether you eat it or fuck it, you’re buying a burger. Doesn’t matter if you try to make out with this motorcycle, or fight Chuck Norris with it, the seller has your check.



Van Damme Approved:

This guy took his bike to Sir Jean Claude’s house, and had him sign a letter of approval. “Bullshit” you say? “Prove it.” you inquire? What color was Frank Dux’s belt during the final fight against Chong Li? Yellow. BOOM! Coincidence? No! How did Frank Dux know to match his belt with the color of a yet-unmade motorcycle? Easy, bitches! Later on, when he made the movie Time Cop, he went back in time on lunch break and told Van Damme about “the yellow of the innocent demon.” This bike was approved by Van Damme across multiple layers of space time. Was your 1970s Hipster Unreliable? Didn’t think so.


Graphs

Check out that sweet graph. 5 of the biggest action movie line-readers ever to desensitize us to violence, in one graph. What’s this graph tell the buyer? Well, it gives real, hard data about how cool your bike is. Today’s discerning consumer likes numbers. It gives them a quick comparison that even a parrot could understand. Same thing here. How cool are you? Are you a 2? FUCK NO, look at your 401k and your iPod playlist?! You’re a 9, easily! Who are you, that blonde guy from that one movie or the dude that beat up Chong Li while blind? Of course you’re a blind karate master! The way you organized your pencils, and treat yourself to Chili’s fajitas on Friday would have every samurai shaking in their boots. And you know all this because of that graph.



It’s a graph of manliness, and you don’t want to be “2″ on the manly scale, right? Of course not. You will buy this bike just to prove the existence of your penis.

The finale: low miles, a good price, a cartoon character (you aren’t this poor guy, right? Right!) Do you want to surf on a motorcycle in Jay Leno’s clothes? Is there a direct correlation between a balanced motorcycle and kicking as high as Lebron’s face? The Repsol team would say there is. Is it fast, reliable, or well-maintained? We don’t know, you shouldn’t care. Can this motorcycle kick people in the face? Can its coolness be directly correlated to an action star’s, using cheap photo-shop? The answer is yes. The answer is buy it.

 

[Crono]

You had me at "ninja".