- Oct 9, 1999
- 21,019
- 156
- 106
Every once in a while you have a day where the faceless bureaucracy just beats you down. If you want Cliffs, you'll be disappointed so just go to another thread.
So our bank is getting bought out and we have to update the two insurance policies which are auto-deducted from our account to have new bank account info. These policies are from 1994 and we've never had to mess with them since then.
Starting time: 2:45 PM.
- Called the agent's number we had, it's now a costume company. I guess he retired. Crap.
- Googled the insurance company, found 3 offices in the area. Office 1 number is disconnected, no further information. Office 2 number is disconnected, and the phone company recording refers me to an 800 number. Now we're getting somewhere.
Time: 3:00 PM
- The 800 number guy can't help me since they sold their policies to multiple other companies. Gives me four other companies to call. Let's call, shall we?
- Company 1 has an impenetrable female voice response system which keeps me trapped in a loop. They have options for every button on the phone, which the loquatious robotwoman recites ever...so....slowly... So advancing another step in the maze takes eternity. "If you are calling regarding a new claim for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy, press or say 1. If you are calling regarding an existing claim for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy, press or say 2. If you are calling to request a beneficiary change form for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy issued in Texas, Missouri, Ohio, New York, Vermont, Chad, Burkina Faso or Southeast Asian countries beginning with the letters A through L, press or say 3. If you are calling to request a beneficiary change form for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy in any other state or a Western Hemisphere country press or say 4..." At this point, I almost forgot who I was calling and why.
I cannot escape the system and the short stories between prompts since the required policy number I must enter is not recognized by RoboJill. And RoboJill will not let you enter the kingdom without a policy number she recognizes. After punching buttons furiously out of frustration, I'm told to stand by for an operator. JOY! It rings twice, beeps, then goes permanently silent.
- Call back again and lie to RoboJill and this time I select the option claiming I'm an agent and not a policyholder. I get a live person! She's nice! She can't find any record of the policy number! She can't help me but gives me the number to another company to try! Bye, nice lady! My eye is starting to twitch, so I'm moving on now!
Time: 3:20 PM
- Company 2 gives me a live person right away. He can't find the policy number in "the system" but is pretty sure policy numbers "like that" are handled by Company 3.
Time: 3:25 PM
- Company 3's voice response system must be pretty flawed, since it lets me connect to a live person in less than 10 minutes, unlike all the others I've wrestled with today. Andrew answers and sounds short of breath. I explain what I want and he says "Look, we're in a state of emergency here in Massachusetts, but I'll give you the number to the Minnesota service center." I owe a debt of gratitude to Andrew for not just letting the phone ring forever even though he was in some sort of crisis.
Time: 3:35 PM
- Minnesota has a voice response maze, but it turns out that if you provide nonsensical responses to the questions five times, it feels sorry for you and offers to connect you to an agent. It puts me on hold for 10 minutes until an agent is available to take my "very important call". She insists I'm not reading the policy number correctly. I try, politely, to assure her I can absolutely read a series of numbers flawlessly. Puts me on hold. The ads on hold want me to ask my representative about a complimentary review of my insurance needs from an agent located near me. I'm tempted to go for it just to be able to see someone face to face, so I can punch that face. I gather my wits when she picks up again and says that I need to call Company 1. I say I did already. She says to call them anyway and say that I already talked to Company 3. I do not see how this will help me. She swerves and then tells me to call Company 4. Oh, what the heck, why not.
Time: 3:55 PM
- Call Company 4. Their friendly female voice response system reminds me that I need to call back during regular business hours, which are 9 AM to 7 PM Monday through Thursday, and 9 AM to 3 PM Friday. Today is Friday.
I take deep, cleansing breaths, while pouring a double of Gentleman Jack.
So our bank is getting bought out and we have to update the two insurance policies which are auto-deducted from our account to have new bank account info. These policies are from 1994 and we've never had to mess with them since then.
Starting time: 2:45 PM.
- Called the agent's number we had, it's now a costume company. I guess he retired. Crap.
- Googled the insurance company, found 3 offices in the area. Office 1 number is disconnected, no further information. Office 2 number is disconnected, and the phone company recording refers me to an 800 number. Now we're getting somewhere.
Time: 3:00 PM
- The 800 number guy can't help me since they sold their policies to multiple other companies. Gives me four other companies to call. Let's call, shall we?
- Company 1 has an impenetrable female voice response system which keeps me trapped in a loop. They have options for every button on the phone, which the loquatious robotwoman recites ever...so....slowly... So advancing another step in the maze takes eternity. "If you are calling regarding a new claim for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy, press or say 1. If you are calling regarding an existing claim for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy, press or say 2. If you are calling to request a beneficiary change form for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy issued in Texas, Missouri, Ohio, New York, Vermont, Chad, Burkina Faso or Southeast Asian countries beginning with the letters A through L, press or say 3. If you are calling to request a beneficiary change form for a Universal Life policy, a Variable Life policy, a Term Life policy, or Variable Universal Life policy in any other state or a Western Hemisphere country press or say 4..." At this point, I almost forgot who I was calling and why.
I cannot escape the system and the short stories between prompts since the required policy number I must enter is not recognized by RoboJill. And RoboJill will not let you enter the kingdom without a policy number she recognizes. After punching buttons furiously out of frustration, I'm told to stand by for an operator. JOY! It rings twice, beeps, then goes permanently silent.
- Call back again and lie to RoboJill and this time I select the option claiming I'm an agent and not a policyholder. I get a live person! She's nice! She can't find any record of the policy number! She can't help me but gives me the number to another company to try! Bye, nice lady! My eye is starting to twitch, so I'm moving on now!
Time: 3:20 PM
- Company 2 gives me a live person right away. He can't find the policy number in "the system" but is pretty sure policy numbers "like that" are handled by Company 3.
Time: 3:25 PM
- Company 3's voice response system must be pretty flawed, since it lets me connect to a live person in less than 10 minutes, unlike all the others I've wrestled with today. Andrew answers and sounds short of breath. I explain what I want and he says "Look, we're in a state of emergency here in Massachusetts, but I'll give you the number to the Minnesota service center." I owe a debt of gratitude to Andrew for not just letting the phone ring forever even though he was in some sort of crisis.
Time: 3:35 PM
- Minnesota has a voice response maze, but it turns out that if you provide nonsensical responses to the questions five times, it feels sorry for you and offers to connect you to an agent. It puts me on hold for 10 minutes until an agent is available to take my "very important call". She insists I'm not reading the policy number correctly. I try, politely, to assure her I can absolutely read a series of numbers flawlessly. Puts me on hold. The ads on hold want me to ask my representative about a complimentary review of my insurance needs from an agent located near me. I'm tempted to go for it just to be able to see someone face to face, so I can punch that face. I gather my wits when she picks up again and says that I need to call Company 1. I say I did already. She says to call them anyway and say that I already talked to Company 3. I do not see how this will help me. She swerves and then tells me to call Company 4. Oh, what the heck, why not.
Time: 3:55 PM
- Call Company 4. Their friendly female voice response system reminds me that I need to call back during regular business hours, which are 9 AM to 7 PM Monday through Thursday, and 9 AM to 3 PM Friday. Today is Friday.
I take deep, cleansing breaths, while pouring a double of Gentleman Jack.