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Bumper stickers that probably won't be seen (At least not in my Neigbourhood)

H

HellRaiserandBeerDrinker

Senior member


"If you're close enough to read this, you can see I look
like a twat too."

"Anthrax is coming out of my exhaust."

"I've seen Thelma and Louise 431 times."

"LOST: Nodding dog. If found please call 555 45754."

"My other car is a?. I buy bumper stickers, do you really think
I'm the type of person to have two cars."

"Honk if you love The Golden Girls"

"Most bumper stickers seem to actually be in the back window."

"I am good fun, really. I just have to use a sticker to convey my wit and charm."

"Honk if you're looking for a good time. Bachelor parties a specialty."

"Support the Society Against Adhesives."

"I'm legally blind."

"Don't bother honking, I'm deaf too."

😀
 
Weight
======


A husband stepped on one of those penny scales
that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."


😉
 
Now this is some funny s&it:
(I had a hard time finishing it I was laughing too much )
😀


Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer,
but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h)
to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop,
but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there are cars around,
that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time...
I will give you the breathalyzer test,
now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS"
last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture
next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before
you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific.
The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over?
Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma
didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm?
That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me,
make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen
because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick?
Look at your wife!
 
45/90
=====

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."









Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...


















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,
this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.



😉
 
Originally posted by: HellRaiserandBeerDrinker
45/90
=====

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."









Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...


















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,
this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.



😉
Click to expand...



LOL,you're cruising for a trout smacking here but I'm too tired to move ! 🙂
 
While driving home about 6 years ago through North Carolina, I saw this bumper sticker on a car with my own eyes. I've never forgotten...I was amazed someone put it on their car.

"If I had known they were going to be this much trouble, I'd have picked my own damn cotton."

 
Elevator Activities


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents
of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of
"It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side
at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner,
facing the wall, without getting off.

When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
"Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while,
and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers
you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..."
then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound
and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb"
while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!"
whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says
"Human Head" on the side.

Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on
if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand
and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent,
look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do"
and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk
and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger:
"Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice:
"I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs"
and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say
"I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you,
recoil and holler "Bad touch!





😀
 
HAHA LOL HR&BD

This combo is exactly what I need.

"I'm legally blind."...."Don't bother honking, I'm deaf too."
🙂
 
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