Bring on your best France jokes
- Thread starter BruceLee
- Start date
Not much of a joke, but my friends simply always refer to them as
cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
I disagree however...
cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
I disagree however...
nick1985
Lifer
- Dec 29, 2002
- 27,153
- 6
- 81
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without
your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the
Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman"
The next time there is a war the loser has to keep France."
--Anonymous
Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A :Who knows, they've never tried!
Q: Why do the French hate Firework displays?
A: Because everytime one goes off people keep trying to surrender!
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin
Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: Because Germans like to march in the shade
Q: Why do french people carry feces in their wallets?
A: For Identification!
Q: What do you call a thousand Frenchmen with their hands in the air?
A: An Army
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see the old French navy
Q: Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?
A: So they can see the war
Q: Why do French men have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual
french tanks have six gears, 5 reverse, and one forward in case they are ever attacked from behind
Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any
country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on
the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
french army magazine pic
and this wraps it up
one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without
your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the
Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman"
The next time there is a war the loser has to keep France."
--Anonymous
Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A :Who knows, they've never tried!
Q: Why do the French hate Firework displays?
A: Because everytime one goes off people keep trying to surrender!
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin
Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
A: Because Germans like to march in the shade
Q: Why do french people carry feces in their wallets?
A: For Identification!
Q: What do you call a thousand Frenchmen with their hands in the air?
A: An Army
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see the old French navy
Q: Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?
A: So they can see the war
Q: Why do French men have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual
french tanks have six gears, 5 reverse, and one forward in case they are ever attacked from behind
Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any
country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on
the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
french army magazine pic
and this wraps it up
A Englishman, a Dutchman and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20
lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back!"
lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back!"
I do have a sense of humor, but these French Jokes have made me wonder...What is the point?
Why do you make fun of other cultures? Especially after the whole war thing, it seems trendy to be knocking on the french. First of all, they do not control what their rulers do, just as we do not control what George Bush decides. Regardless, of the political situation, it is still uncalled for. Often we call the french arrogant but we sit here making jokes at them. Why are you insulting a culture with these stereotypes..just to get a couple giggles? I want to reemphasize that I do have a sense of humor, but when it comes to things like this I can only laugh at the ignorant people who post this nonsense.
Why do you make fun of other cultures? Especially after the whole war thing, it seems trendy to be knocking on the french. First of all, they do not control what their rulers do, just as we do not control what George Bush decides. Regardless, of the political situation, it is still uncalled for. Often we call the french arrogant but we sit here making jokes at them. Why are you insulting a culture with these stereotypes..just to get a couple giggles? I want to reemphasize that I do have a sense of humor, but when it comes to things like this I can only laugh at the ignorant people who post this nonsense.
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." -- P.J. O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940's who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it" --John McCain
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940's who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it" --John McCain
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
nick1985
Lifer
- Dec 29, 2002
- 27,153
- 6
- 81
Have you been to France? Do you know anybody from France?
when you go, or meet anybody from there, then you would understand. they make the same(if not worse) cracks at americans. we're just simply defending ourselves.
and yes, i have been to France.
Actually my family has resorts in paris and nice, and although I have perceived the anti-American behavior by the French more than most, I still feel that two wrongs do not make a right, and to act the same as them is just sinking to that level. Is anyone with me here or all you all insensitive to other cultures?
We do not discriminate. Where are you from? We'll make fun of you if you want.
BTW, I'm from Wyoming, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.
I beg to differ.
First, my friends don't read Maxim.
Secondly, this term was used well over 2 years ago.
Could be from somewhere else though, not disputing that.
TRENDING THREADS
-
Discussion Zen 5 Speculation (EPYC Turin and Strix Point/Granite Ridge - Ryzen 9000)- Started by DisEnchantment
- Replies: 25K
-
Discussion Intel Meteor, Arrow, Lunar & Panther Lakes Discussion Threads
- Started by Tigerick
- Replies: 21K
-
Discussion Intel current and future Lakes & Rapids thread- Started by TheF34RChannel
- Replies: 23K
-
-
Facebook
Twitter