boyfriend -> friend = backwards !?

[kohutek]

The title sums it up rather nicely: How am I, a typical 18 year old male, supposed to back off from being a girl's "boyfriend" to being just her "friend" ?

I've always been going one way: making the relationship better. But this is just bas-ackwards. We have been broke up for 3 weeks today, and I still have feelings for her. She wants to get together and do things, but everytime I see her, those old feelings flame up, and I become miserable because I want to hold her, but any such action is now taboo.

Any idea on how to kill off those "relationship" feelings, and somehow keeping the pertinent friendship ones?

randal

 

[tomcat]

they key for me was not having very strong feelings for my gf in the first place, but that won't help you.. good luck. The best advice I can give is that time solves everything.

 

[Scrapster]

I dunno. I'm a personal fan of the "6 month" rule: Not having contact with the person for atleast 6 months. But then that means you couldn't really do anything with her.

 

[kohutek]

wow, no feelings for your girlfriend? that's kind of backwards, too =) I wish time would solve everything -- 3 weeks doesn't seem to have done jack. All I can think of is trying to find another girl.

The worst part of it is that I'm in a city, Colorado Springs, CO, where I don't have a circle of friends. I'm not old enough to go party at the places where all the honnies looking for luvin are, nor am I young enough to hang out with any of the high school chicks. It's a very awful time.

any more advice?

randal

 

[kohutek]

wow, 6 months? that's a long time. were you able to be friends after that?

randal

 

[Scrapster]

wow, 6 months? that's a long time. were you able to be friends after that?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. The 6 month rule is not meant to put your friendship "on hold," it's meant to get your mate out of your mind and to move on. After 6 months, you both should be well moved on.

 

[Lily27]

My best friend happens to be an ex. I think you can ask her if she wants to continue the relationship and give it another try, if she doesn't i think your only alternative is to forget about your feelings

 

[kohutek]

. The 6 month rule is not meant to put your friendship "on hold," it's meant to get your mate out of your mind and to move on.

That's the major problem right there -- I can't get her out of my mind, nor can I get rid of my feelings for her. I'm thinking that our occasional [maybe once a week] meetings are hampering my ability to let her go.

any more ideas?

randal



btw - how old are you scrapster?

 

[dwil]

Break clean. If she misses you, get back together. Otherwise it'll kill you just being around her. Then heaven forbid you start to hear about dates, etc... If that happens, move out of state, or put your head in the oven (assuming it isn't electric).

 

[tim0thy]

just try to remember WHY you two broke up in the first place. remind her too.

 

[kohutek]

My best friend happens to be an ex. I think you can ask her if she wants to continue the relationship and give it another try, if she doesn't i think your only alternative is to forget about your feelings

I have proposed the idea of getting back together, but she feels the same thing will happen: she'll feel kind of cramped, and I'll feel like I'm being put on the back burner. She wants me as a friend, and she wants to find out what she wants. I want her.

/me looking for a way to remove feelings

randal

 

[kohutek]

She has said outright that she misses me a lot. I can tell, because she sometimes makes motions like she wants to be held, or to be kissed -- I know her really well, so I know that she doesn't have the "clean" break either.

Break clean. If she misses you, get back together. Otherwise it'll kill you just being around her. Then heaven forbid you start to hear about dates, etc... If that happens, move out of state, or put your head in the oven (assuming it isn't electric).

That's what I'm dreading - she tells me about her day sometimes, and it really sucks because she talks about all her friends and blah blah blah. I don't have a real tight-nit group of friends to turn to for support, nor do I have easy access to tons of other girls to try an attract. Pretty sucky.

From what I'm seeing, nicely telling her to shove off is the way to go.

randal

 

[Adul]

Tell her you have to avoid her for a period of time. Tell hrer you have to, otherwise you are going to feel misserable around her. Being honest is the key thing.

 

[Scrapster]

That's the major problem right there -- I can't get her out of my mind, nor can I get rid of my feelings for her. I'm thinking that our occasional [maybe once a week] meetings are hampering my ability to let her go.

Dude, I said 6 months, NOT 3 WEEKS. It's no wonder you're still thinking about her, you've been through a fresh break-up. All I'm saying is, if I was in your shoes, I would have no contact with this girl for a min. of 6 months (guys back me up on this). That means NO TALKING, NO HANGING OUT, or whatever. Ofcourse you can continue to be "friends" with her and hope for more, but you may be wasting your time.

And I'm 21.

 

[kohutek]

Tell her you have to, otherwise you are going to feel misserable around her.

I already do feel miserable around her -- I want more, but she won't have it. suck.

That means NO TALKING, NO HANGING OUT, or whatever. Ofcourse you can continue to be "friends" with her and hope for more, but you may be wasting your time.

She really wants to hang out and talk and be good friends still, though. I would love to have more, but I don't see that happening, and from what I can tell, neither can she.

trying to think of a gentle way to tell her that I can't stand to be around her because it makes me miserable.

randal

 

[BatmanNate]

You gotta hand it to the Scrapster, he's got a point. It may feel like it's never going to end, but six months down the road you'll have a clearer head about what happened, not clouded by all that emotional stuff that looms after a break up. Just my 2¢...the best of luck to you.

 

[gnognugs]

This is what living is all about! You have several choices you could make. You could ditch her. You could date her (maybe). You could get other girls. You could avoid them for a while, even 6 months. Whatever you do, you will learn from it.

I dated a girl for 2 years around when I was 17-19. Off and on like 10 times.
I dated other girls in between, sometimes at the same time.
It was terrible. It was great.
I learned a ton, but not really until much later.
But I always did what I thought was right.

Follow your heart (cautiously). Not doing so is the only sin.

 

[Scrapster]

trying to think of a gentle way to tell her that I can't stand to be around her because it makes me miserable.

I don't even think you have to do that. Most of us guys just say "f'off b!tch." But I wouldn't do that, I'd just be up front and honest. If she gets upset then that is her problem.

 

[konichiwa]

I had this problem with a girl. We were both very close friends, then we started dating, then she wanted to be friends again. I couldn't do it...told her that I needed time apart from her. It's only been like 2 months but it hasn't worked so well so far, still can't get her out of my mind.

Guess that wasn't what you wanted to hear huh?

 

[AMDJunkie]

Sing to her Unchained Melody, apologize, and then ask het to take you back or you'll leave her for good.

 

[kohutek]

koni, your story is *not* uplifting. I'm thinking I'll follow scrap's advice and tell her to shove off [in a nice way].

Unchained Melody? I guess I am heathen ...

thanks a bunch. I'm not looking forward to 6 months of no her, nor to a hopefully much shorter term of celibacy

randal

 

[Scrapster]

nor to a hopefully much shorter term of celibacy

Look at it this way, this will give you a chance to get reacquainted with Ms. Forearm and her five sisters.

 

[kohutek]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. funny, if it weren't true.

next topic: where to find girls who want sex. now.

randal

 

[Turkey]

I agree with Scrapster... but the amount of time should be about the same amount of time you had strong feelings for her. Doesn't mean you can't see each other or talk to each other, but you should probably try to make a conscious effort to plan your free time with people other than her so that if she does want to do something, you can say you're busy.

 

[dwil]

If you want to leave a door open for later... make sure that she knows WHY you aren't going to be around. Not that you hate her, not that you are upset. But that you have to make an adjustment to being without her as a GF. If she is still around every day, it is too confusing and hard. If she wants confusing and hard, well she has no feelings for you. She is making herself feel more comfortable. So if it is over, and she is making herself feel comfortable at your expense... BAIL OUT FAST! Abandon ship.

She will understand, hopefully she will realize that an Anandtech'er is better than the others and she really did like the way it was. There will be that "Let's go for coffee" phone call, and you are closer becuase you know that she wanted it.

(Of course by then you will have moved on... and that will result in another "What the hell do I do now" thread.