Best joke thread ever

[OS]

some samples;

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool."


------


An airplane was about to crash; there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, The Pope, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's ok, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school backpack."



link

 

[MaxDSP]

sweet

 

[Zim Hosein]

Thanks OS

 

[ThePresence]

LOL!

 

[olds]

A 4 engine airplane was carrying 4 passengers on board. There was an American, a Canadian, a Brit and a Frenchman. They were carrying a medicine that would cure the world of all disease. Suddenly one of the engines dies and the plane starts to fall from the sky. They were all going to die and take the medicine with them. The Brit jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He jumps from the plane and it levels out and continues its flight. 10 minutes later another engine goes out and the plane starts to plummet. The Canadian then stands up and says ?I do this for my country? and jumps out. Immediately the plane levels off and continues it flight. Again, the medicine is saved but they are down to two engines. A few minutes later as they are in sight of the airport the 3rd engine fails. The American jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

 

[Zim Hosein]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
A 4 engine airplane was carrying 4 passengers on board. There was an American, a Canadian, a Brit and a Frenchman. They were carrying a medicine that would cure the world of all disease. Suddenly one of the engines dies and the plane starts to fall from the sky. They were all going to die and take the medicine with them. The Brit jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He jumps from the plane and it levels out and continues its flight. 10 minutes later another engine goes out and the plane starts to plummet. The Canadian then stands up and says ?I do this for my country? and jumps out. Immediately the plane levels off and continues it flight. Again, the medicine is saved but they are down to two engines. A few minutes later as they are in sight of the airport the 3rd engine fails. The American jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

Haha

 

[mangoluvr]

Originally posted by: Zim Hosein

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
A 4 engine airplane was carrying 4 passengers on board. There was an American, a Canadian, a Brit and a Frenchman. They were carrying a medicine that would cure the world of all disease. Suddenly one of the engines dies and the plane starts to fall from the sky. They were all going to die and take the medicine with them. The Brit jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He jumps from the plane and it levels out and continues its flight. 10 minutes later another engine goes out and the plane starts to plummet. The Canadian then stands up and says ?I do this for my country? and jumps out. Immediately the plane levels off and continues it flight. Again, the medicine is saved but they are down to two engines. A few minutes later as they are in sight of the airport the 3rd engine fails. The American jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

LOL

someone must have came up with this one very recently

 

[psianime]

lol

-psianime

 

[Cycad]

Not so Americans have hated the French since, well right after the Revolutionary War.

 

[drum]

Not so Americans have hated the French since, well right after the Revolutionary War.

what Cycad said. I saw this version of the joke long ago. Still a good one though

 

[SOSTrooper]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
A 4 engine airplane was carrying 4 passengers on board. There was an American, a Canadian, a Brit and a Frenchman. They were carrying a medicine that would cure the world of all disease. Suddenly one of the engines dies and the plane starts to fall from the sky. They were all going to die and take the medicine with them. The Brit jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He jumps from the plane and it levels out and continues its flight. 10 minutes later another engine goes out and the plane starts to plummet. The Canadian then stands up and says ?I do this for my country? and jumps out. Immediately the plane levels off and continues it flight. Again, the medicine is saved but they are down to two engines. A few minutes later as they are in sight of the airport the 3rd engine fails. The American jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

lol

 

[DanTMWTMP]

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool

ROFLOLOLOL!!!!! AWESOME!

America's smartest woman took my school backpack

ROFLMAOALOLOL!

The American jumps up and says ?I do this for my country?. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

omg LOL ROFLMOALOL! hell yes!

 

[olds]

Originally posted by: drum

Not so Americans have hated the French since, well right after the Revolutionary War.

what Cycad said. I saw this version of the joke long ago. Still a good one though

I learned that joke in the 60's when I was a kid. The Russians were the punchline. I just updated it for today.

 

[Gaard]

This is the version I heard...

There were 4 people on board a plane. An englishman, a frenchman, a mexican, and a texan. The engines died and the pilot said unless the load was lightened they were all doomed. The englishman yelled "Long live the king!" and jumped out. The plane was still too heavy. The frenchman yelled "Viva La France!" and jumped out. The plane was still too heavy. The Texan yelled "Remember the Alamo!" and pushed the mexican out.

 

[xirtam]

Yeah, I've seen a version where Saddam Hussein was the "smartest man" in the world.

 

[MisfitsFiend]

A 4 engine airplane was carrying 4 passengers on board. There was an American, a Canadian, a Brit and a Frenchman. They were carrying a medicine that would cure the world of all disease. Suddenly one of the engines dies and the plane starts to fall from the sky. They were all going to die and take the medicine with them. The Brit jumps up and says (I do this for my country¦. He jumps from the plane and it levels out and continues its flight. 10 minutes later another engine goes out and the plane starts to plummet. The Canadian then stands up and says (I do this for my country¦ and jumps out. Immediately the plane levels off and continues it flight. Again, the medicine is saved but they are down to two engines. A few minutes later as they are in sight of the airport the 3rd engine fails. The American jumps up and says (I do this for my country¦. He then pushes the Frenchman from the plane.

LOL - this one rocks!!!

-mf

 

[olds]

Morality Question:

You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide:
Do you...

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Originally posted by: oldsmoboat
Morality Question:

You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide:
Do you...

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?

Morality Question:

You are the President of France.
The USA has been attacked by terrorists, and has started a war on terrorism. They are asking you for support on attacking Iraq.
Do you...

A) Sell nukes to Al Qaida

B) Sell nukes to North Korea

C) Veto the attack while trying to sell more weapons to Iraq

 

[jamautosound]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very ordinary. She
told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want something
everyone had. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blowjobs! "Blowjobs!" the woman
replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he
said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle
of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying
everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What is going on?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

 

[jamautosound]

Hey OuterSquare, I'm sorry for killing your thread man.

I thought it was funny.


I'll just be over here in the corner. . .

 

[OS]

Originally posted by: jamautosound
Hey OuterSquare, I'm sorry for killing your thread man.

I thought it was funny.


I'll just be over here in the corner. . .

No big deal, all threads must die eventually.

 

[Loggerman]

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

 

[optoman]

lol

 

[Loggerman]

Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?


Because you've got all day to find something better!

 

[dman]

I haven't read through that whole thread (it's damn long) but here's one to bump this one back up:

Stolen from ilovebacon.com which was probably stolen from numerous other places.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the tiggest bits.

Men are like that, you know.