i read through all the quotes on a page and picked the ones i liked. as you can tell, i like Mark Twain 
hope you enjoy
Anything too stupid to be said, is sung.
-- Voltaire
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
-- Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
-- Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
-- Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
-- Woody Allen
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.
-- Guy Almes
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!", but "That's funny..."
-- Isaac Asimov
An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker
In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
-- Dave Barry
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
-- Dave Barry
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
-- Yogi Berra
No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
-- Otto von Bismarck
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonette
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
-- George Bush, U.S. president, 1990
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
-- Albert Camus
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
-- Winston Churchill
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
-- Fr. Jerome Cummings
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
... I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-- Thomas Edison
Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
-- Thomas Edison
A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it's longer than any hour. That is relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
-- Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
-- Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Generations to come will find it difficult to believe that a man such as Gandhi ever walked the face of this earth.
-- Albert Einstein
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
-- Albert Einstein
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
-- Albert Einstein
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
-- Albert Einstein
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?
-- Albert Einstein
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-- T. S. Eliot
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.
-- T. S. Eliot
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
-- Gandhi
I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
-- Theodor S. Geisel, a.k.a. "Dr. Seuss"
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-- Adolf Hitler
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
-- Herbert Hoover
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
-- Lyn Karol
Saying that Windows95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-- Guy Kawasaki
Such is life.
-- Ned Kelly, Last words, before being hung at Old Melbourne Gaol
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
-- Denis Leary
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx, dying words to his housekeeper
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
-- Vladimir Nabokov
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
I would have made a good Pope.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
Solutions are not the answer.
-- Richard Nixon
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
-- Caroline Rhea
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates, dying words
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
-- Gene Spafford
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
-- Mark Twain
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
-- Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-- Mark Twain
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
-- Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
-- Mark Twain
The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.
-- Mark Twain
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
-- Oscar Wilde
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
-- Oscar Wilde
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.
-- Anonymous
An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
-- Anonymous
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too.
-- Anonymous
hmmm, origionally when i made this in word it had spaces between the quotes...
hope you enjoy
Anything too stupid to be said, is sung.
-- Voltaire
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
-- Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
-- Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
-- Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
-- Woody Allen
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.
-- Guy Almes
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!", but "That's funny..."
-- Isaac Asimov
An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker
In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
-- Dave Barry
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
-- Dave Barry
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
-- Yogi Berra
No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
-- Otto von Bismarck
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonette
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
-- George Bush, U.S. president, 1990
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
-- Albert Camus
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
-- Winston Churchill
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
-- Fr. Jerome Cummings
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
... I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-- Thomas Edison
Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
-- Thomas Edison
A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it's longer than any hour. That is relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
-- Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
-- Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Generations to come will find it difficult to believe that a man such as Gandhi ever walked the face of this earth.
-- Albert Einstein
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
-- Albert Einstein
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
-- Albert Einstein
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
-- Albert Einstein
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?
-- Albert Einstein
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-- T. S. Eliot
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.
-- T. S. Eliot
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
-- Gandhi
I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
-- Theodor S. Geisel, a.k.a. "Dr. Seuss"
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-- Adolf Hitler
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
-- Herbert Hoover
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
-- Lyn Karol
Saying that Windows95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-- Guy Kawasaki
Such is life.
-- Ned Kelly, Last words, before being hung at Old Melbourne Gaol
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
-- Denis Leary
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx, dying words to his housekeeper
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
-- Vladimir Nabokov
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
I would have made a good Pope.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
Solutions are not the answer.
-- Richard Nixon
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
-- Caroline Rhea
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates, dying words
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
-- Gene Spafford
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
-- Mark Twain
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
-- Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-- Mark Twain
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
-- Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
-- Mark Twain
The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.
-- Mark Twain
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
-- Oscar Wilde
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
-- Oscar Wilde
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.
-- Anonymous
An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
-- Anonymous
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too.
-- Anonymous
hmmm, origionally when i made this in word it had spaces between the quotes...
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