ATTN: Read only if you are in a giddy mood (or at work)!!!

[chuckywang]

Cutting Board!!!

Bear with it....it really gets going on the 2nd page of reviews.

 

[Orsorum]

I watched two episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Now THAT made me laugh so hard I cried.

 

[notfred]

I have to wonder about the type of person who cuts up a tomato, and then goes, "I'll go put a review of that on the internet!"

Oh wait.... those people are ATOTers.

 

[conjur]

The board is great for cutting drier foods. ie. Cheese

LMAO!

 

[BaboonGuy]

My Flat, Smooth Kitchen Buddy, February 27, 2003
Reviewer: Kathy Tontobreine (Planck Road, IL) - See all my reviews
You'll note three stars instead of five. I would have to say that this cutting board is perfect in every respect except two-- and these are two big respects. First, it is unavailable in my favorite designer colors. There are several I'd like to see. Why not a cutting board tinted a soft whisper of Italiano Rose, or the demure Pale Daffodil, or the mysteriously romantic Cancun Sand? How about a ray of Morning Sunshine or a delightful splash of Provence Creme? Hepplewhite Ivory, for when the "Boss" comes by, or Weston Flax for your dear old Granny. I could go on and on, but the point is that all this particular cutting board comes in is boring wood. You know, maybe it's some sort of Euro-thing; they figure all you might possibly want to look at is wood. But if you've spent as much time as I have selecting the perfect bouquet of light, airy colors for what would otherwise be a pretty dingy kitchen with a view of a bunch of bricks across the airshaft, what you want is a splash of Princely Blue that delights the eye as you slap a big trout down to chop its head off. The other thing is this. Recently, I've discovered the teachings of the Florism. Floristics truly believe that wrenching plants and plant matter from the environment for purely decorative purposes is tantamount to murder, and I'm afraid I have to go along with them on this. Eat, if you must, radishes and potatoes, though their silent screams are poignant and heartrending. But it is a mortal sin to display cut flowers, or to use a wooden cutting board when perfectly acceptable polyurethane alternatives are available.
Otherwise, just great! A great, if boring and immoral, cutting board!

 

[conjur]

My son, an illiterate from way back, bought this thing for me without reading the literature which came with it. Ask me if I'm surprised. Well, he took it out of the box for me on my birthday and said, "Here you go, Dad--a cutting board." I haven't really needed to cut anything since the dentist pulled my last tooth. If he'd really wanted to get me something, he could have gotten me a mortar and pestle. That's what a toothless old man like myself could make some use of! However, I have heard from some lady friends of mine that one of the functions of the present-day cutting board is to make juice, almost as a sort of by-product. You cut the substance in question, be it healthful steak, healthful fruit, or healthful vegetables, and the natural juices accruing within the organic body of this substance run through a sort of "juice channel" to make a delicious and rejuvenative beverage. Well, I looked forward to this, even rocked back and forth a bit in my chair. I like juice. At my age, I need it. But you know what? My illiterate son did it again--no juice channel on this baby. So all I can do with it is use it to hit the bugs I share my rent-controlled hovel with while my son lives in the lap of luxury with his wife, the blond. Thanks for nothing.

And then these:

Reviewer: JS Mason (Brooklyn!) - See all my reviews
I maintain a sightless kitchen since the happenstance that robbed me of my ability to see. Yes, I'm a blind architect--and, in my private life, a blind cook as well. I tried many, many cutting boards. Cutting boards with tactile surfaces in which I could feel each yawning crevice where my mighty blade had carved the record of its path through a soft, yielding tomato or a difficult but ultimately vanquished carrot. This is the record that the cutting board left me: the record of my fingers. Then one day I was rushed to the hospital: the doctors later said that I'd contracted e.coli 0934a(e) from those faithful crevices, and my old board went out the door. Cooking seemed to be impossible--I'm one of those chefs who, if I can't Chop! Chop!, am uninterested in the project. Let others slap chicken filets into a pan or sprinkle herbs de provence over their sauteed spaghetti...I want to feel fruits, vegetables, and bony meats yield under the steady and unrelenting pressure of my cold steel blade. My wife noticed my depression and began napping throughout the course of the day, waking only to urge me to walk the dog. But then someone "hipped" me to the Henckels Birch Cutting Board. My gosh--it was as if I could see again. I began chopping everything in sight. Carrots, potatoes, zucchini, some old pasty stuff I felt around for on the bottom shelf of the fridge, soon I'd chopped up everything in the house, including some old hand-me-downs we'd been keeping around and a couple of pieces of furniture I didn't particularly like because I was always tripping over them. I think I can say with full confidence that the Henckels Birch Cutting Board saved my sanity--and my life.

Even a blind architect like myself can spot jealousy a mile away. Perhaps Mr. Astoria would care to put himself in my orthopedic shoes for a day or two, if he thinks it's so easy to abandon a great and visionary career for the daily doldrums of being both a tender yet forceful advocate for the handicapped and a witty, inimitable internet gadfly. Perhaps he'd like to try to get his narcoleptic wife, who already has one foot out the door (we call it "toeing the landing" locally, though she stomps, because I can't see. She'll still humor me that much, at least), to read to him, or not to rearrange the furniture once a week. It'll take more than folk tales to get me to give way. I've got more scary folk tales than Vladimir Propp.

And it gets better on the pages after that.


heh heh

 

[DrPizza]

Funny, but too much reading for the small amount of humor... Good writer he is... Andy Rooney (or other syndicated columnist whose every other sentence is funny) he isn't.