Asian Parents - Is it just me or...

[WilsonTung]

... are they really outwardly unemotional to each other and their children?

My parents get along. They don't yell at each other or anything like that, but their relationship seems so boring. My dad never takes my mom out to dinner or buys her flowers or anything like that. They never hold hands, kiss, cuddle on the sofa, or anything at all. They don't wear their wedding rings, and they can't even remmember their own wedding anniversery (someone asked them once, and they were clueless).

They also don't say much to my brother or myself except "get good grades" or "eat more" or "what are you going to do after college?" We do talk, but never about personal things. I'm supposed to accept what they say and not disagree (after all, I am living in their house). It's quite sad.

 

[notfred]

are they really outwardly unemotional to each other and their children?

Yes, they are. All of them. Every single one.

I wouldn't actually know any Asian parents, but every single Asian person on this forum has started this thread already before, so I can only assume that they're all horrible, horrible parents.

 

[prodigy]

Are your parents FOBs or ABCs?

 

[spazntwich1]

My parents love me. My parents are white.

Thus, all white people are good parents.

See the faulty logic?

 

[notfred]

Originally posted by: spazntwich1
My parents love me. My parents are white.

Thus, all white people are good parents.

See the faulty logic?

Well, if EVERY white person in the coutry said that (or jsut every white person on the forum) you'd start beleiveing it, too.

 

[Danman]

Originally posted by: spazntwich1
My parents love me. My parents are white.

Thus, all white people are good parents.

See the faulty logic?

Well, not everyone's parents can be white.........there are different races and cultures if you didn't know....

 

[PlatinumGold]

hmmm. since i'm Korean and i have 3 kids, i think i'd fall in that category of "asian parent". OMFG.

generalizations are rarely fair tho, so i won't react.

 

[FatAlbo]

Originally posted by: WilsonTung
... are they really outwardly unemotional to each other and their children?

My parents get along. They don't yell at each other or anything like that, but their relationship seems so boring. My dad never takes my mom out to dinner or buys her flowers or anything like that. They never hold hands, kiss, cuddle on the sofa, or anything at all. They don't wear their wedding rings, and they can't even remmember their own wedding anniversery (someone asked them once, and they were clueless).

They also don't say much to my brother or myself except "get good grades" or "eat more" or "what are you going to do after college?" We do talk, but never about personal things. I'm supposed to accept what they say and not disagree (after all, I am living in their house). It's quite sad.

Nah, not you. You seem to have covered my family and me with that post as well.

 

[fatbaby]

it actually depends on how ur parents were raised

<--white washed

 

[joohang]

They are used to a different culture. That pretty much sums them up.

Just accept them for what they are but insist on living your life the way you want to live.

And not all Asian parents are like that, btw. Or perhaps you are misunderstanding them. My parents seem to behave the way you describe, but I get along with them fine. Just talk to them. Share your thoughts in a rational manner. Challenge them if they refuse to listen to yourself. If they do love you (and they likely do), they will at least listen to what you say and accept you for what you are, just like you (assuming that you do) accept them for what they are. It may take some time and it may take a few unnecessary conflicts, but if you fix yourself a bit and make some efforts to change your interactions with your parents, it's very doable.

To give you a generalization, East Asians tend to:
- believe in human perfectability. We are used to accept the fact that humans aren't perfect, and being imperfect is fine. Asians have a tendency to believe in putting in effort to become as perfect as possible.
- emphasize ritual over faith. This is a general observation from religious studies of Asians, and it appears to be true with many today as well. Make sure to be as polite as possible to your parents. Your behaviour and any body language that they may consider "inappropriate and rude" is far more important to them than whether you love and respect them in your mind. Show and express your love.
- if they try to control your life, politely ask them something like this: "Dad, are you able to read people's minds?" "No." "Who understand myself better, you or me?" "You." "Can you read my mind?" "No." "Then, shouldn't I decide on what to do with my life since I know myself better than you do?" --- Now don't say this exactly like I said, but something like that. Be as polite as possible.
- tell them that you grew up in a different culture, and while you try hard to understand them (so you are striving to be "perfect"), you have difficulties. Communicate with them when you get a chance.

As far as your parents' marriage life goes, that's up to them, not you. Perhaps they are happy with the way they are, and many people are. Just let them live their lives, and you live yours. Make sure that they don't interfere with what you want to do, though.

 

[freebee]

My parents engage in overt sexual acts in my presence. And they are asian. So there.

 

[fatbaby]

Originally posted by: freebee
My parents engage in overt sexual acts in my presence. And they are asian. So there.

and you know this...how??

 

[prodigy]

Originally posted by: fatbaby

Originally posted by: freebee
My parents engage in overt sexual acts in my presence. And they are asian. So there.

and you know this...how??

:Q

 

[PlatinumGold]

Quote

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by: freebee
My parents engage in overt sexual acts in my presence. And they are asian. So there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




and you know this...how??

because it is OVERT.

 

[prodigy]

Originally posted by: WilsonTung
... are they really outwardly unemotional to each other and their children?

My parents get along. They don't yell at each other or anything like that, but their relationship seems so boring. My dad never takes my mom out to dinner or buys her flowers or anything like that. They never hold hands, kiss, cuddle on the sofa, or anything at all. They don't wear their wedding rings, and they can't even remmember their own wedding anniversery (someone asked them once, and they were clueless).

They also don't say much to my brother or myself except "get good grades" or "eat more" or "what are you going to do after college?" We do talk, but never about personal things. I'm supposed to accept what they say and not disagree (after all, I am living in their house). It's quite sad.

Are your parents immigrants or american born?

 

[fatbaby]

ok i consulted mr. dictionary and found this for overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret

Sorry, but i dont know the meaning of every single word and assumed overt meant naughty =D

 

[prodigy]

Originally posted by: fatbaby
ok i consulted mr. dictionary and found this for overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret

Sorry, but i dont know the meaning of every single word and assumed overt meant naughty =D

You didn't have to know overt, it said "in my presence"

 

[joohang]

Originally posted by: fatbaby
ok i consulted mr. dictionary and found this for overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret

Sorry, but i dont know the meaning of every single word and assumed overt meant naughty =D

I learn a new word or two every day also.

 

[fatbaby]

Originally posted by: prodigy69

Originally posted by: fatbaby
ok i consulted mr. dictionary and found this for overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret

Sorry, but i dont know the meaning of every single word and assumed overt meant naughty =D

You didn't have to know overt, it said "in my presence"

i have ADDD

 

[tk149]

Originally posted by: WilsonTung
... are they really outwardly unemotional to each other and their children?

My parents get along. They don't yell at each other or anything like that, but their relationship seems so boring. My dad never takes my mom out to dinner or buys her flowers or anything like that. They never hold hands, kiss, cuddle on the sofa, or anything at all. They don't wear their wedding rings, and they can't even remmember their own wedding anniversery (someone asked them once, and they were clueless).

They also don't say much to my brother or myself except "get good grades" or "eat more" or "what are you going to do after college?" We do talk, but never about personal things. I'm supposed to accept what they say and not disagree (after all, I am living in their house). It's quite sad.

Sounds just like my parents. Hey, wait a second! Are you one of my brothers?

 

[LiLRiceBoi]

Sound like my parents. My mom lectures me all the time too.

 

[WilsonTung]

hmm... so my blatant generalization has stirred up more controversy at this late hour than I expected. To answer some of your questions:

Yes, my parents were immigrants who have been in the US for about 35 years. And I should add that I base this generalization on my cousin's parents as well as the parents of my Asian friends. Most of my Asian friends were born in the US to immigrant parents. I asked them if their parents ever went out to dinner by themselves (all of the children of immigrant parents said no).

I have never mentioned this to my parents because it is not my policy to interfere in other people's cultures or relationships. My parents are probably comfortable with the way they live and I won't disturb that.

Yet the lack of any cheerfulness in my house leaves me feeling empty inside.

 

[PeeluckyDuckee]

Wilson Tung,

Don't feel to sad, my parents are pretty much the same way. In the family, there's not much talk amongst anyone. No effort is put into creating some sort of positive atmosphere, or celebration of anything. Day in, day out, not much to get excited about. Romantic sparks? lol, I'd be happy if we didn't or they didn't get into any kind of argument each and every week.

Yup, respect your elders. Any disagreements should be kept to yourself and not be voiced.

 

[WilsonTung]

I guess the one positive thing they taught me was a good work ethic.

 

[QueHuong]

Sounds like my parents too, sorta. Yes, I'm Asian. But you gotta understand it's a cultural thing, so yes, it's probably an Asian thing. For example, older generation Asians (maybe just Vietnamese, I don't know) in general don't show affection in public. Secondly, (learned this from psychology "Exploring Psychology" by Myers), Americans tend to marry for the infatuation type of love. Then when that love goes away, there are no real compatibility between the couple. Hence the 50% divorce rate. Other countries emphasize compatibility and friendship in marriages. The latter emphasis yields lasting marriages. My parents don't hump like rabbits, but they're still married.

As for the unemotional part, I also learned (yes, from psych again), Asians (not Asian Americans) want to keep harmony within the family or social group. For example, if someone dies, there's little open mourning (that doesn't mean Asians are heartless, they're just taught not to show it) because it would disrupt the harmony within the group. On the other hand, Americans emphasize individuality, while Asians emphasize the collective whole. It's just a matter of different cultures.

Lastly, your case sounds a bit extreme. The people I know aren't "unemotional." My dad cried in front of me several times...not something a son would like to see though.