Argh.... Can someone read this and tell me what they think? (UPDATED)

[aphex]

Its a letter im writing to my professor to explain why i would like to attend law school, and subsequently a letter of reccomendation....

(This is not complete, but i have updated it using some of the suggestions)

Throughout the course of my college career, I have frequently contemplated and explored the many opportunities that will shape my future profession. From my humble beginnings growing up in the Appalachian Mountains in northern New Jersey, to my current standing as a Business Administration major at the University of Florida, a passion for knowledge has been a prevalent theme throughout the majority of my life. Although I spent a few semesters challenging and testing myself to find a suitable major, I have been very pleased with my final decision. This major has even granted me the wonderful opportunity to widen my horizons and spend a semester abroad at Hogeschool van Utrecht in the Netherlands. Even though I am thoroughly satisfied with the high quality of undergraduate education I have received here at the University of Florida, upon careful and deep consideration, I have decided that I wish to further my quest for knowledge and attend law school in the fall of 2004.

There are many reasons I have arrived at this decision, each of them bearing their own positive and negative points. On occasion, I find myself questioning why I would want to put myself through such a rigorous academic program; one that requires hours upon hours of nightly reading, possible public humiliation in a Socratic teaching environment, and the immense amount of debt incurred from endless student loans. In the end, I am able to place my answer within the confines of a single word, ?Passion.? The study of law has been one of a small number of subjects throughout my collegiate career that has offered me an unparalleled level of interest and intrigue. The two law related courses that I have had the pleasure of taking thus far, Business Law, and an Intellectual Property Law course taught in Holland, have provided me with a strong desire to learn more about the subject.

I know there are a few rough points, and im not sold on the path I am taking.

Constructive comments please?

 

[aphex]

Anyone?

 

[hopeless879]

IMO it's kind of bland. You should try to make yours more unique compared to everyone else. Make it more personal.

 

[scauffiel]

Well, I'm no expert but it sounds damn good to me. The only thing I'm not sure on is the spelling of any of these words: Hogeschool van Utrecht Netherlands. Beyond that, it sounds solid.

 

[aphex]

Originally posted by: hopeless879
IMO it's kind of bland. You should try to make yours more unique compared to everyone else. Make it more personal.

Good idea... I was thinking of going more into my childhood in NJ and the challenges i faced...

 

[Electric Amish]

Does he really need to know your reasoning and educational background?

 

[aphex]

Originally posted by: scauffiel
Well, I'm no expert but it sounds damn good to me. The only thing I'm not sure on is the spelling of any of these words: Hogeschool van Utrecht Netherlands. Beyond that, it sounds solid.

Its spelled correctly, though was hard as hell to learn how to spell sh!t over there though... Especially when the Dutch have phrases like
"Achthonderd Achtintachtig"

 

[aphex]

Originally posted by: Electric Amish
Does he really need to know your reasoning and educational background?

Considering he dosent know me well, yes. I think its very important to have solid information about me if he is willing to write me a strong letter of reccomendation for law school.

Unfortunately having 1500-3000 students in a class makes it rather tough from time to time to get to know your professors.

 

[Lalakai]

it has some good components but doesn't flow well. you make a good ending statement and explain your driving force that is pushing you to law school, but you take a rather circular route getting there.

an old mentor always told me that the first sentence in the paragraph should explain what the paragraph is about, then the paragraph should support that sentence. The last sentence should bridge your next paragraph.

try and reduce the number of times you use "I" throughout the letter.

without seeing the entire letter, it's hard to give complete eval, but try giving it to a friend and see if they can read it and not have any questions for you afterward, on what you were were saying and requesting.

good luck

 

[dullard]

That was certainly a quick bump. They must do things differently at the University of Florida, as I never had to write a letter to ask for a letter (I just went directly to the professors that knew me well and asked).

Thoughts:
1) It is overall very negative on yourself. As you said yourself you were quite unsure of your undergraduate carrer - frequently changing your mind and even for a while changing your school (going to the Netherlands). That whole part should be left out as it has nothing positive to add to this letter of reccomendation. Then to end the first paragraph it appears like you are abandoning the University of Florida (again). Are you going to graduate first? Or are you just going to leave in the Fall? If you are going to graduate why would it take "careful and deep consideration" to leave in the Fall of 2004?
2) This negativity follows into the second paragraph. You proved above that you were a bit wishy-washy in your major, then you say you question why you want to attend law school. A red flag comes up and shouts "Aphex may not follow through on law school as well." Then you claim you have passon for law. Someone with passon doesn't have these doubts - they just jump on in and work through the problems. I wouldn't have interpreted the second paragraph in this way if your first paragraph was positive about your abilities not negative about your experiences (basically the 2nd paragraph is much better than the first, and it clashes so much with the first that it brings the 2nd down).

 

[aphex]

it has some good components but doesn't flow well. you make a good ending statement and explain your driving force that is pushing you to law school, but you take a rather circular route getting there.

I agree 100%. I've been trying to fill in the brunt of the letter with more appropriate content, but for some reason i keep centering around the simple circular motion you mentioned....

I appreciate your input.

 

[aphex]

Originally posted by: dullard
That was certainly a quick bump. They must do things differently at the University of Florida, as I never had to write a letter to ask for a letter (I just went directly to the professors that knew me well and asked).

Thoughts:
1) It is overall very negative on yourself. As you said yourself you were quite unsure of your undergraduate carrer - frequently changing your mind and even for a while changing your school (going to the Netherlands). That whole part should be left out as it has nothing positive to add to this letter of reccomendation. Then to end the first paragraph it appears like you are abandoning the University of Florida (again). Are you going to graduate first? Or are you just going to leave in the Fall? If you are going to graduate why would it take "careful and deep consideration" to leave in the Fall of 2004?
2) This negativity follows into the second paragraph. You proved above that you were a bit wishy-washy in your major, then you say you question why you want to attend law school. A red flag comes up and shouts "Aphex may not follow through on law school as well." Then you claim you have passon for law. Someone with passon doesn't have these doubts - they just jump on in and work through the problems. I wouldn't have interpreted the second paragraph in this way if your first paragraph was positive about your abilities not negative about your experiences.

You hit the nail on the head, I definately recognize the negative undertone that i carry throughout the essay....

Im going to rework the essay to make it sound as if im not so unsure about my future... I guess i was just trying to get the point across that even though it took me awhile to find something i am truely happy with, i dont wish for my education and growth to end anytime soon, and that law is one of the subjects i have always been very interested in. Man, its hard to write an essay about yourself

Thanks for the input

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: aphex

even though it took me awhile to find something i am truely happy with, i dont wish for my education and growth to end anytime soon, and that law is one of the subjects i have always been very interested in.

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There you go. You just totally rewrote your first paragraph. It is much better this way. Flesh it out with a few positives about yourself and you are done.

 

[aphex]

Originally posted by: dullard

Originally posted by: aphex

even though it took me awhile to find something i am truely happy with, i dont wish for my education and growth to end anytime soon, and that law is one of the subjects i have always been very interested in.

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There you go. You just totally rewrote your first paragraph. It is much better this way. Flesh it out with a few positives about yourself and you are done.

Haha, sweet

Quick rewrite, (going to add that sentence you like in a moment)

Throughout the course of my college career, I have frequently contemplated and explored the many opportunities that will shape my future profession. From my humble beginnings growing up in the Appalachian Mountains in northern New Jersey, to my current standing as a Business Administration major at the University of Florida, a passion for knowledge has been a prevalent theme throughout the majority of my life. Although I spent a few semesters challenging and testing myself to find a suitable major, I have been very pleased with my final decision. This major has even granted me the wonderful opportunity to widen my horizons and spend a semester abroad at Hogeschool van Utrecht in the Netherlands. Even though I am thoroughly satisfied with the high quality of undergraduate education I have received here at the University of Florida, upon careful and deep consideration, I have decided that I wish to further my quest for knowledge and attend law school in the fall of 2004.

 

[aphex]

Updated...

 

[aphex]

^

 

[aphex]

Rewriting it again