Are you a 'bootstraps' parent? Kick them out at 18, no matter what, still in school getting straight As, no smoking or drinking?

[Aikouka]

Sounds like a recipe for a great childhood.

I usually see this sort of response when I see someone suggest something that seems far more stringent, but honestly... it seems to be when people don't really understand it. Preparing a child to become an adult doesn't mean signing them up for tax preparation courses at 8, but rather, it's about ensuring that you're on a proper path to raise them to be responsible and capable adults. It does not mean that you cannot have fun. However, it does mean that you may have to be a bit of a hardass when they keep prioritizing having fun over responsibilities. I had to tell the girlfriend's kid that she couldn't sleep over at a friend's house because she just wouldn't clean up her room properly. I had actually tried giving them leeway in the past to do something fun and finish their work afterward, but I quickly learned that was a bad idea because the work never got done. If someone doesn't have the drive to do it to begin with, they aren't going to have the drive to do it later.

 

[nakedfrog]

I usually see this sort of response when I see someone suggest something that seems far more stringent, but honestly... it seems to be when people don't really understand it. Preparing a child to become an adult doesn't mean signing them up for tax preparation courses at 8, but rather, it's about ensuring that you're on a proper path to raise them to be responsible and capable adults. It does not mean that you cannot have fun. However, it does mean that you may have to be a bit of a hardass when they keep prioritizing having fun over responsibilities. I had to tell the girlfriend's kid that she couldn't sleep over at a friend's house because she just wouldn't clean up her room properly. I had actually tried giving them leeway in the past to do something fun and finish their work afterward, but I quickly learned that was a bad idea because the work never got done. If someone doesn't have the drive to do it to begin with, they aren't going to have the drive to do it later.

Yeah, I took this approach, that I was raising adults, not kids, but they definitely still had fun. My son has specifically thanked me for it, after encountering so many other kids in college that have no idea how to cook, or do laundry, etc.

 

[IronWing]

How many of you's are stuck with adult children in their 50's living with you...pretending they are earning a living doing swap meets and garage sales?? I just became aware of this...turns out there is a large sub culture of "adult infants" doing this and still living off their parents..

If everybody in the family is happy with the arrangement, good for them.

 

[K1052]

I usually see this sort of response when I see someone suggest something that seems far more stringent, but honestly... it seems to be when people don't really understand it. Preparing a child to become an adult doesn't mean signing them up for tax preparation courses at 8, but rather, it's about ensuring that you're on a proper path to raise them to be responsible and capable adults. It does not mean that you cannot have fun. However, it does mean that you may have to be a bit of a hardass when they keep prioritizing having fun over responsibilities. I had to tell the girlfriend's kid that she couldn't sleep over at a friend's house because she just wouldn't clean up her room properly. I had actually tried giving them leeway in the past to do something fun and finish their work afterward, but I quickly learned that was a bad idea because the work never got done. If someone doesn't have the drive to do it to begin with, they aren't going to have the drive to do it later.

I've seen some parents absolutely make their kids miserable and borderline abuse them in the name of "toughening them up" before curbing them at 18, making sure to drain every bit of possible joy from their lives. Each situation is different and should be judged as such. Parents that conscientiously prepare their kids for adulthood in a constructive manner should be commended. The other kind of parents I mentioned can drown in a full septic tank for all I care.

 

[dlerious]

I was living with my parents at 34 (17-27 was military and out of state jobs). I had 2 part time jobs from 28-33. I had to pay room and board and do chores while living with them.I'm kind of the same, as long as they're paying room&board and helping with chores, I'm OK with it.

 

[BoomerD]

Our youngest grandson(turned 18 in April) came to visit us over Christmas. Once he got here, his asshole dad told him, "you've graduated from high school (2 weeks before) so just stay there. If you come back here, you'll be homeless." Then gave away or threw away most of his belongings. He had the clothes on his back plus a couple of changes. We took him to Walmart and bought him a couple hundres $$$ worth of clothes and some shoes from Big 5.
Then, because we were't expecting that, we had to find bedroom furniture for him. Used but in good condition.
He's been working 40+ hours per week at the new pizza joint here, making more money than he knew existed. He told my wife, this is the happiest he's ever been. He has a 50" tv, playstation 4 (he bought) x-box 360, (ours) his own computer, (thanks to virtual larry) and more clothes than he's ever had...plys, his life is his own to do as he chooses. All I insist on is that he keeps his room and bathroom clean, and that he be in the house by midnight.

 

[nakedfrog]

I've seen some parents absolutely make their kids miserable and borderline abuse them in the name of "toughening them up" before curbing them at 18, making sure to drain every bit of possible joy from their lives. Each situation is different and should be judged as such. Parents that conscientiously prepare their kids for adulthood in a constructive manner should be commended. The other kind of parents I mentioned can drown in a full septic tank for all I care.

That was the phrase my step-dad used to justify his behavior.

 

[Aikouka]

That was the phrase my step-dad used to justify his behavior.

While I realize that it's typically used in a negative fashion -- usually with a bit of toxic masculinity sprinkled in -- the kids that I'm dealing with could probably actually use a bit of "toughening up". One problem that I deal with a lot is that they were never allowed to venture off and do things on their own (within reason), and as a result, are too timid and scared to do it now. We were all at the grocery store the other day, and I suggested that the two go check out the gaming store that was in the same vicinity. They were very dismissive of the idea and so was their mom. (Awkwardly, she even asked if she was being too over-protective.) Since I had never been there, I said that I was going to go check it out, and all of a sudden, they both wanted to go.

I remember growing up and checking out EB Games, Software Etc., or GameStop while my mom was in some other store in the mall. We didn't have cell phones, and it wasn't a big deal.

 

[pcgeek11]

Yeah, I took this approach, that I was raising adults, not kids, but they definitely still had fun. My son has specifically thanked me for it, after encountering so many other kids in college that have no idea how to cook, or do laundry, etc.

My son did the same after he was grown and away from home.

 

[IGBT]

Yes...many if not most parents fail to realize they are raising "Adult Infants" that will never leave home and never grow up. They end up on the streets after the parents pass away..

 

[Red Squirrel]

Shocking isn't it?

These parents are getting back what they raised.

New York parents win legal battle to evict son, 30

Michael Rotondo has defied several eviction notices from his parents, who told him to get a job.

www.bbc.com

I can't even imagine wanting to still live with my parents at that age. I guess some people just don't care about having a sense of independence. As much as I'd like to not have to work and stay home all day, I wouldn't want to do it while relying on someone else. There is also the awkwardness of not really having a place of your own to hang out with friends. Do you like, just invite friends over at your parents'? lol. One thing to do that when you're in your teens but as an adult it would be cringe.

That guy could have his own house and be half way to paying it off by now but instead is basically scrambling to find a place to live and a way to pay for it. Not a lot of good paying jobs anymore that support having a house. The mines are always hiring though. Tough work, but it pays a living wage.

 

[VirtualLarry]

The mines are always hiring though. Tough work, but it pays a living wage.

There's always room for mining.

 

[Torn Mind]

My grandkids' POS dad has a policy that when his kids tuen 18 or graduate from high school, he kickes their ass and throws them out of the house with only what they can carry. He beat the shit out of our granddaughter and threw her out before she turned 16. (Problem child)

Wait, who raised grandkid’s dad?

 

[BoomerD]

Wait, who raised grandkid’s dad?

He was raised in the ghettos of East Palo Alto by a junkie mom.

 

[Scarpozzi]

I'm not there myself, but can tell you I've seen the fine line between supporting and enabling. In my case, I moved out a month after I turned 18 and went to college....I ended up getting a job a few weeks later. My parents supported me through college some, but I was covering all my expenses and they were giving me small amounts of assistance for years.

I can say that I wouldn't be in the financial shape and position I am now without that help way back. It propelled my ventures along and I'm forever grateful. I plan on paying that forward to my kids as long as they realize it's not for free. They have to put forth effort or they lose some of that support. (not that my parents ever gave me that ultimatum) I just don't want to see them end up feeling too comfortable and getting lazy on me.

 

[Mai72]

I'm not there myself, but can tell you I've seen the fine line between supporting and enabling. In my case, I moved out a month after I turned 18 and went to college....I ended up getting a job a few weeks later. My parents supported me through college some, but I was covering all my expenses and they were giving me small amounts of assistance for years.

I can say that I wouldn't be in the financial shape and position I am now without that help way back. It propelled my ventures along and I'm forever grateful. I plan on paying that forward to my kids as long as they realize it's not for free. They have to put forth effort or they lose some of that support. (not that my parents ever gave me that ultimatum) I just don't want to see them end up feeling too comfortable and getting lazy on me.

Yea. There is a difference between enabling and supporting children. Enabling can have later dire consequences for the child. Setting strict boundaries can be difficult in the beginning, but can have benefits later in life. Because if people are forced to work for food and shelter, then they will do what it takes to survive. It feels great to have to not worry about those things, but then the person typically becomes lazy, and unmotivated. I've noticed that among the people I hung with in the past. In fact, a few are still living at home in their mid-40s. Always complaining. They don't have a car. No independence either. Humans will always default to idleness. Sitting around watching Netflix and gaming all day. We think that is what is going to make us happy. But, the truth is having drive, and working on projects brings us fullfillment. A life of living at home as a grown adult will bring on a TON of regret. Unless you have no choice. But, it should only be temporary. And yea, I understand that living with parents, and grandparents is normal within many cultures, but the men aren't sitting on the couch watching TV all day. Many are working and providing for their family.

 

[Dr. Detroit]

Myself: I was in the Army at 17 after graduating HS early.

My child: Community college working towards their 4yr University transfer requirements and working part-time while living at home. After 2yrs transferred to a University 400+ miles from home.

 

[nakedfrog]

Yea. There is a difference between enabling and supporting children. Enabling can have later dire consequences for the child. Setting strict boundaries can be difficult in the beginning, but can have benefits later in life. Because if people are forced to work for food and shelter, then they will do what it takes to survive. It feels great to have to not worry about those things, but then the person typically becomes lazy, and unmotivated. I've noticed that among the people I hung with in the past. In fact, a few are still living at home in their mid-40s. Always complaining. They don't have a car. No independence either. Humans will always default to idleness. Sitting around watching Netflix and gaming all day. We think that is what is going to make us happy. But, the truth is having drive, and working on projects brings us fullfillment. A life of living at home as a grown adult will bring on a TON of regret. Unless you have no choice. But, it should only be temporary. And yea, I understand that living with parents, and grandparents is normal within many cultures, but the men aren't sitting on the couch watching TV all day. Many are working and providing for their family.

I see way too many people out there climbing the same mountains I am that they didn't have to climb to believe that's true.